New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[AloneAt35]

Hi 25years,

I followed the rules. Boy did I look cute (short-shorts, scoop neck t-shirt, new lipstick, 'good hair' day). No mention of it from Ex-P though he said I've lost a lot of weight. He looked handsome as heck (I said nothing). He said I kept looking at his ring...I wasn't looking at it. I said, "I'm actually looking at your new haircut" (I used to cut his hair). He said he hated his new haircut at first, but I thought it looked good so I said "its fine".

He kept on saying how good I was doing. No doubt he remembers that before I discovered DBing, I did everything wrong (crying, begging, claiming I couldn't live without him, etc.) and he was surprised I was holding it together so well now. He offered me a hug before leaving and I accepted, he gave me two. He said, "It was good seeing you, keep up the good work." It was all SO PARENTAL and so detached...like we had never been a couple - like I was a child he was leaving at summer camp. He was calling me by his nickname for me throughout, and when he left I said, "goodbye [nickname for Ex-P]" then he looked kinda sad. I don't know whether he was pitying me, worrying about me (he said he worries so much), or was just surprised I used his nickname - but it just slipped out because it had been a comfortable encounter.

I said I would see him again when the house sold. He said, "maybe I'll see you before then." I doubt it.

That was it. During our brief encounter I mentioned my mother was visiting over an upcoming weekend. He said "what's the occasion?" I said, "My birthday." He sighed a long, guilty sigh but I stayed upbeat. He also mentioned his trip to meet OW's extended family was canceled, I just said, "oh". He started talking to me about some aspects of his new house. He said "You remember seeing the pictures, right?" I said, "You never showed me any pictures." (He had been insanely secretive about everything during the time he was buying his house - I didn't even know what town it was in.) He said, "Oh, I'll send you some pictures, I'm surprised I didn't already."

That was it. He acted as though he was his old self: friendly, helpful, concerned for my well-being, etc., it's just that he is in love with someone else and never was with me.

So depressing. He will never see me any other way than as a "friend", almost like a kid brother or something.

I could take 'glamor shots' of myself in lingerie and he STILL wouldn't see me that way. How can I change this perception of myself? I feel like I can't - and that is why he left me.

By the way, he set up an "emergency account" for me with 5K. I said, "I don't intend on using it." He said, "use it." I felt I was being bought off. At the bank, he was extremely agitated and paranoid that all mail come to my address (though he wanted it to be a joint account - he could have trusted me enough to give me the money no strings attached). He was paranoid about the bank sending emails to his account and OW finding out. Even though they have only known each other a few months (supposedly), she certainly keeps financial tabs on him.

Sigh, I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss the life we had. Mostly, I miss spending time together.