Dazed and confused...

[lstincali22]

I guess I screwed up; I don’t guess I know I did. Yesterday I decided to go to spend the day with SS14. I took him to pick up some baseball gear that he needed got lunch with him and overall we had a great time together. As we were out and about I received a text from W about the 4th asking if I could cook certain food that one of our friends requested, I said sure , she responded with how much they loved what I was going to make and thanked me. So here is a little background before I get into what actually happened

I have been feeling used lately, and these feelings have been lingering and creeping up every so often. I can’t understand how W can say she doesn’t want a relationship with me but yet say she needs to stay here because she has nowhere convenient to go where she can still spend time with the kids. She needed new glasses and contacts and I have FSA that covers that medical stuff for our family that she used to pay for everything,
any how I feel like she just using me for financial stability at this point and it really feels as if she has no respect for me as a person.

Back to the story, I ended up taking my SS14 to his ball game after picking up S9 from day camp. Everything went well then W showed up w one of her GF and didn’t come over to say hi to S9 or I, she just sat next to her friend and chatted for the entire game. W came over to us and I asked what are you doing here? She responded with F had to get her daughter. I left it at that. As the game ended I asked if there were any plans for dinner, W said no but I am hungry. I suggested we hit a local place to eat and she agreed.

Fast forwarding to dinner it was quite uncomfortable sitting there, SS14 had a bad game so he wasn’t very talkative and W just doesn’t talk to me that is.

W finally brought up the subject of her watching our 2 month old nephew over this weekend. I was a upset about it and asked why she didn’t bother having a conversation with us about this, I have no problem with her watching him but it would be nice if she would at least talk to us about it as a family. A 2 month old can have an effect on all of us.

That’s all it took, It was taken by her as me having to control everything, she said, that she knows it’s my place and that now she realizes that she has to make sure she runs everything by me to make sure she has my permission. That was by no means what I was trying to get across I wanted her to just talk to us about a decision that may affect us all.
Needless to say dinner ended badly we both drove home and it continued when we got home.

I was angry at this point, I couldn’t believe I was going down this road but I continued. We went back and forth for a while arguing we finally calmed down and just talked and that’s when she told me that she feels Abandoned and doesn’t believe that I love her. She thinks that I am trying to work things out just for the sake of the kids not for us.
She said that any time I get upset that it validates exactly how she feels and that I prove to her that I don’t love her, she said that she feels like she is sitting in muck and that all I do is push right back into it.

I told her that I completely understood how she felt and that by no means did I want her to feel that I way. I told her that I feel that I am sitting in that muck as well and that it would be great if we could help each other out of it. She said that she doesn’t see any type of future for us and that it would be better if we went our separate ways. I then asked, “Do believe you will be better, off without me?
She said that she didn’t know that she would be better off without me but she knows she will be better off without the muck and she doesn’t see us being able to get out of it together. She told me that she doesn’t even feel that she wants to get closer to me.

I can’t believe that I allowed this conversation to occur. All I do is seem to validate why she needs to go. She feels like she should get her own place at this point. It ended with me asking her not to make any irrational decisions in this state of mind, I told her that I wouldn’t talk to her for the next 30 days about anything but the boys, to give her a break from me. Boy did I screw up. Where do I go from here?