Was it a tactical error? I don't know. I ultimately decided that nothing I proactively did regarding acknowledging the day was going to hurt my situation, but that NOT doing something COULD actually cause damage (W may have interpreted as me being the old Denver).
So that's why I ended up sending the text.
Denver,
First......That might have been the single longest post I have ever seen!!! hahahaha You may have de-throned "Epic-Eric" as the de-facto king of long posts (that is not to say that I can't post some long ones myself).
Okay, down to business..........
Your operating from a place of fear......it is normal. I know because of what you posted right up there. You basically said it in bold......
you were afraid that your W would make some sort of interpretation.....
Another way to look at the statement up there is to try to take out the "but" and make it sound the same as you originally intended........
The "BUTS" will get you everytime........
It really highlights when YOU are trying to justify something that you know is wrong or when you are saying something but don't really believe what it is you are saying.......
Think about it.........
Take a scenario where you are trying to apologize to someone for something you did or said to them. Often we really blame them for what we did instead of really "Owning our words/actions"
Therefore, we say......
"I'm sorry......BUT you made me do it."
translate....
"I'm sorry......BUT not really."
Soooooo......
Until you deal with that fear of how your W may or may not interpret something you do or say.......
you really are not in a position to interact with her........you will eff up the sitch.
Clearly the debate going on in your thread is passionate and thought provoking.....
I am going to tell you that IMO both sides are correct.....
(how was that for being diplomatic )
25 is trying to get you to deal with the internal demons that plague you and me and anyone else that is here and has been betrayed........that anger beast is a real b!tch.
You never really get rid of it.....and you shouldn't it is part of who you are........it is part of who I am.
You take my cheerio's away from me, I am going to get mad/angry.
It is how we deal with it and ultimately react to it that determines how others view us and interact with us.
25 is imploring you to see past your pain and focus on how your W is feeling. How she could get to a place where she could leave the marriage and cheat.
Now to be clear......There is nothing you did that caused her to cheat.......that was her decision and she will have to own that, and more importantly YOU HAVE TO LET YOUR W deal with it on her own..........and she will in TIME. (It will be very hard on her.)
This is what 25 is saying.....that you actually have to have some compassion for her in order for your heart to be in the right place to do what you need to do.
Now, you very much need to stop engaging as some of us are imploring you to do.......
However
you need to do it from a loving and compassionate place.
Hard to do.
I will continue to push you to do the right thing until your heart is in the right place to do something different.
As long as you are operating from a place of fear, and make no mistake......YOU ARE............you have not adequately dealt with the underlying issues that re-inforce that fear.
One of those issues is ANGER.
When SBH, Starsky, Faith and anyone else that advocates an action that might come off as punitive or retaliatory, it is mistaken as being anger that has not been dealt with adequately.
Here is the problem.........YOU definitely NEED to take the actions that are being suggested......
however if you have not dealt with your pain and the very valid emotions that come with your pain then your actions will wreak of ANGER.
This is really where I come down in the middle.......
You need to pull back because you are really not ready to deal with her "in-decision" yet. Now there is the added benefit that by pulling back you might actually attract your W back.....ie the dance of the pursuer and distancer.
I think that this is where we all start to disagree......it is not that we neccessarily disagree with the course of action it is that we disagree with the motivation behind the action.
Some here are trying to motivate you from a place of pride and self respect........nothing wrong with self respect and pride IF you have done the hard internal work to deal with YOUR PAIN and ANGER and it has really become part of who you are.........part of your "skin" so to speak. (nickel to Mach).
Denver, I can tell you that while you might have identified some things that you need to work on or are working on.......your words here tell some of us (ON BOTH SIDES OF THE DEBATE) that you still have some strides to make.
BTW.....these strides are not meassured by how much your W is being nice to you or is doing things with you or anything to do with your wife.
GET IT??????
I can tell you that even after you have done the work you never are ever really done.......I can tell you that some of the most thoughtful, introspective and loving MEN here on these boards still struggle to keep their motivations pure and true.
Their actions remain the same, hopefully those actions are motivated by Love.......however Anger can creep back in sometimes and it has to be dealt with again, but we learn as we go........
I will repeat the drum beat........
Stop engaging your W, close FB, drop the timelines, focus on Denver.........
Your W will be in the same place YOU left her..........
She definitely has some of her own shat to deal with.
(that is not to say that I can't post some long ones myself).
