Holding, Hopeful, but Realistic

[Cadet]

Eric,

Much appreciate your parsing of my post. We all do this for free, and I know you want me to "get it" as it is apparent you feel I don't quite yet. I am trying and all these collective insights are most important to me.

However, I do like to get understand where people are coming from when the dispense advise to me. I see you first joined the forum in Jan-10. So what's the status of your sitch? You've got 188 pages of posts dude, so I'm hoping to get a quick run down on you. Ran out of time to track down your current status. You definitely sound like you been down this road for a while, so I'd be much obliged to hear about how your sitch has evolved.

I am not Eric but I have read pretty much all 188 pages of stuff.

To summarize His wife cheated on him.
He came here, we beat on him with enough lumber to build 5 houses.
He grew and finally started to get it.
He is still a work in progress.
His wife is still in a fog.
He is striving to be the best DAD in the northeast, except for me naturally.

MW you remind me of myself, wanting to know how everyone's sich came out so you could see whether their advice was the magic formula that you needed to follow to be successful.

You come here to save your marriage and what you find out is that you need to save YOU.
If your marriage survives - great.
But I will say that everyones marriage that is here is over at Bomb Drop.
Some of us will reconcile with our spouses and some of us won't.
Until you save your self you are not going to reconcile with anyone.

Eric gave you great advice, where he has been or what lies ahead is not relevant.
He will be fine, I know that because he has so much lumber sitting in his back yard.

[ericmsant2]

MLC

My sitch is as follows:

- Bomb drop 9/2009...followed by a ton of confusion on her part.
- OM EA identified in 10/2009 - started in 8/2009 - He was her second cousin.
- STBXW was a stay at home mom for over 16 years (although she did work part time the last 4)
- I made the typical mistakes the first…oh…say…10 months.
- I dropped 68 lbs in a month
- New full time job for STBXW started in 12/2009
- STBXW started new PA with her new boss 12/2009
- 10/2009 – 1/2011 – I become primary care giver, maid, cook…pretty much did everything in the house.
- 1/2010 – STBXW now wants a legal separation. FTR, I was still in the martial home and sleeping in the same bed with her.
- 2/2010 – I start an R with someone…only to realize I was so not ready. No one know about the R. it was short…very short.
- 4/2010 – huge blow up at the house…I confront about OM….I secured a lawyer…
- 4/2010 – I throw her out of the bed room. My kid do not know about OM.
- 4/2010 – She files for D
- 5/2010 – I decided to give her the master bedroom as my attny tells me NOT to leave the home otherwise I have no shot in hell to get a 50/50 split with the kids. I start sleeping in the family room. Most of the time on the floor.
- 6/2010 – Met someone and begin to date. She, the kids, no one really know.
- 8/2010 – I am beginning to really look inside myself. I begin to really accept and understand my role in this and the fact that she is gone…
- 9/2010 – First four way meeting with attnys. She asked for the house, the Durango and full custody. I give her the house and the car.
- 10/2010 – I think I am done but I am not sure. The R I began in 6/2010 is close to ending.
- 11/2010 – Second four way meeting with attnys. She now no longer wants the house. Says she is going to leave in Jan. At this point I am emotionally drained.
- 12/2010 – She changes her mind about leaving and now says that she wants to stay until Feb or Mar…a few weeks later…she wants to stay until June. My kids ask me to please let them stay in the house. An old friend finds me on facebook. We start to date. Once again no one knows.
- 1/2011 – I am still in the house but have really begun to detach. I am beginning to understand and see things very differently. I now want out. I want out of the home…not for her…nor for my kids…but for me.
- 2/2011 – I’m done and come to realize that for my healing I need to leave. I come to realize the home environment is not healthy for anyone, especially my kids.
- 3/2011 – I find a wonderful rental that I want to move into. Attnys say no. I tell them F – It. I’m out….that I need to heal and this is no longer good for my kids.
- 4/2011- I move out and my true healing begins. I feel great…the changes that I wanted to make start to take hold. I still have good days and bad days…but all I like what I see when I look in the mirror.
- 5/2011 – The R I started in Dec…ends. The women wants to move in. I say no. I come to realize that all she wanted was for me to rescue her. We have our third 4 way. I secure temporary order to get 50% of my kids. Court awards her less that she was asking for (she wanted everything….to quote my attny….”if she could get the crumbs off your plate she wanted that too”).
- 6/2011 – Living my life as a single parent 50% of the time…the other 50%....I live. Life is good. I come to realize so much about myself, about the process. I can look back and be grateful for what has happened.

MLC, to truly understand where I came from, my past, the process I went through…you really need to read my posts.

[beatrice]

Cadet, I would respectfully slightly disagree with you on whether it matters where Eric has been: if you offer advice to people they have a perfect right to ask nicely what your background is.

For example there are posters here who have reconciled after a couple of years [and that is great] but some then urge others who have waited longer than that not to do so. It is important that we know their sitch: what we advise others is usually what worked for us, or, what we learned from doing it wrong. Either is good, but there us a difference. If i am taking advice i want to know if they have actually walked a path like mine, or a different one . . . and what they learned

[MLC World]

Eric,

Honestly, I have to say your reactions to your W's MLC were a train wreck which made you your own worst enemy. You apparently finally learned to stop working against yourself and are now apparently much stronger for the experience. Do you think you were going thru a bit of your own MLC in the process, or were just subconciously mirroring her behaviour?

I'm not saying I'm all high and mighty, but I did learn very quickly which behaviours were causing me the greatest issues, not only with my W, but with my kids and myself. Somehow you figure I still don't "get" it? Believe me, I get the general concepts, but admit I am still learning everyday about myself and my sitch. However, I'm sure there is much I can still learn by taking the time to read your entire thread, and I promise I will.

Again, all our sitchs are different. My W's MLC has been much more low-grade compared to your W's. Therefore, my reactions have been more subdued, less emotional, and have allowed me time to think instead of just being angry all the time. Another difference is her basically giving me 100% custody of the kids, while not pressuring them to stay or even come to dinner on a regular basis. She is trying, but she just does not want to create ill will by forcing them. I think her approach will eventually gain her success, as she continues to be a very good mom whenever in their presence. However, she will likely always have issues if she tries to integrate OM into their lives. The affair started in our own home (he was a painting contractor during our remodel). She lied to all of us for an extended period, and the girls frankly still don't trust her. The love her for sure, but trust is very low. Feelings of betrayal and abandonment also cause them issues. W and I both figure time and good counseling will slowly heal these wounds.

Honestly, I am more interested in the journey at this point, and not the end destination. I choose to make this as positive as possible, but realize I am fortunate on many levels in that circumstances make it easier for me to focus on the positive.

I am not seeking a magic bullet for my sitch. I "get" there is no such thing. However, in order to seriously take someone's advice, I like to know if I can respect what they say based on their own actions. Words are great, but actions speak volumes.

You are obviously a caring person to take the time to critique my threads. I can only be so kind as to return the favor.

Good luck to you on your journey Eric. Sounds like you are all set with a lifetime's worth of lumber, according to Cadet. Let's keep up the dialogue.

World

[MLC World]

Thank-you B.

You are much more eloquent and succinct than I.

You all teach me many new things everyday. I come here to slake that thirst for knowledge and understanding each day. Sometimes I learn quickly, sometimes I need a frying pan upside the head (for that I can always count on J3B, Cadet and Eric - thank-you guys!).

All my best to you.

World.

[25yearsmlc]

World,

I admire how fast you get that you have to have a PMA and you really seem to.

I do take issue, a bit, with one "piece of your piece". Not to quibble but

for me, and many others I suspect,

the paradox of DBing is that

I became much more attractive to h,

and he became a lot more interested in working on the m and HE changed too

Only when I became detached

and finally knew no matter what HE did,

I and the kids would be fine...and I meant it.

I had an awakening

after so much internal pain and suffering. I kind of ended it, ya know?

I just could not tolerate being miserable anymore and I had kids to model healthy behavior for...


I expected to be single at the end of '05. I gave us a 10% chance of reconciling and so, I moved on.

AS IF A SWITCH GOT TURNED ON..h "woke up" after this happened.


So when someone says "don't change to get them back",

it's said with the proviso, I think,

that only when it's NOT FOR THEM, might it become the very thing that gets them to notice.

Confusing? Heck yeah...but still, I think it's true. Hope this helps clear up what I've said.

And Beatrice, while you raise a good point about posters' history here, I think it's important that people learn also from our mistakes.

What did NOT work for us is just as important as what did. Maybe more.

That's b/c while none of us can say "this WILL work", we can usually say what will NOT work...make sense?

[MLC World]

Ya know 25, that was the best bit of un-sancitmonious, straight-up talk I've yet received.

I will have to ponder this, as I've yet to "give up" on the "control" I perceive that I have. What others have termed "drop the rope". The ultimate Go Dark, but truly mean it, not as a "method" toward achieving an end "goal" of marriage restoration. I'm not there yet, but am traveling toward it.

Thank-you for this. I am left speechless.

World

[Cadet]

I am left speechless.

Perfect - Fake it until you make it and keep doing just that.

[ericmsant2]

MLC,

Honestly, I have to say your reactions to your W's MLC were a train wreck which made you your own worst enemy.

This is an understatement….train wreck doesn’t really describe it. I was thinking more along the line of a catastrophe.

You apparently finally learned to stop working against yourself and are now apparently much stronger for the experience.

Actually, I think the strength was always there..I finally allowed it to shine through. You will see what I mean IF you read my entire thread.

Do you think you were going thru a bit of your own MLC in the process, or were just subconciously mirroring her behaviour?

Interesting observation…Honestly, I think I may have had my own crisis prior to hers and believe that hers just may have snapped me out of mine OR forced me to really look at myself.

Somehow you figure I still don't "get" it?

Actually, I do not feel that way. I only providing my experiences….Everyone of us is different and each sitch is different.

Believe me, I get the general concepts, but admit I am still learning everyday about myself and my sitch.

The learning about yourself piece…I think is a life long journey. For me, the biggest issues to face were being honest with MYSELF…Someone I know once gave me an interesting perspective on this. We often say that we need to look in the mirror at ourselves, which is true and this in and of itself, is hard BUT The harder thing to do though or the real “work”….is being able to CONSISTENTLY hold that mirror up.

However, I'm sure there is much I can still learn by taking the time to read your entire thread, and I promise I will.

Everyone learns at a different pace buddy….take your time.

My W's MLC has been much more low-grade compared to your W's. Therefore, my reactions have been more subdued, less emotional, and have allowed me time to think instead of just being angry all the time. Another difference is her basically giving me 100% custody of the kids, while not pressuring them to stay or even come to dinner on a regular basis. She is trying, but she just does not want to create ill will by forcing them.

I think her approach will eventually gain her success, as she continues to be a very good mom whenever in their presence.

Are you saying that she is not a good mom when she is not in their presence?

What is success to you as it relates to parenting the kids? What do you want to see?

However, she will likely always have issues if she tries to integrate OM into their lives.

1) Likely is not “always” – my point is…she could probably say the same about YOU i.e. he will never change, blah, blah, blah. Do not underestimate her. Better yet….why do YOU underestimate her (that is if you feel you are)?

2) How the integration works is in some ways NOT up to you. How you deal with it and what you show your kids is.

Honestly, I am more interested in the journey at this point, and not the end destination.

How so?

I choose to make this as positive as possible, but realize I am fortunate on many levels in that circumstances make it easier for me to focus on the positive.

A good mindset to have….my only comment would be that it is NOT just “circumstances” as much as it may be a person’s POV or as DB would suggest “how you look at it”.

Good luck to you on your journey Eric.

God Bless,
Eric

[MLC World]

Hey Eric,

I have only just started on your thread, but plan on getting deep into it this weekend. As far as your comments, you make some solid points and do ask great questions.

Wish I could figure out how to do the "Quote" thing. Every time I try it, it copies the entire post. I've called DB, but Karen said she did not know how to work that feature. Quick solution, if it is not a bother?

Some quick answers to your questions:

1) My point was my W is very good to her daughters at all times and I know she loves dearly. She tries extra hard in their presence to be loving and positive as she's kind of "lost" them over the last 6 months due to her R with OM. She kind of boxed herself into the corner by her actions, but I know she's trying hard to extricate.

I already consider her successful in that she has kept her R with OM away from them. We are both learning to co-parent and will be successful if both kids feel safe in our presence, separately or together. I think we've achieved that already. As I've said, OM is / was but a symptom and not the cause of her MLC. Actually, I've got no idea what is the status of their R at this point. Don't care either.

2) I am more interested in the journey because of don't know the final destination. I can't control it (dammit!). It's about living for today and seeing what postive changes I can make in my life and have the best impact on those around me. Each day brings new insights and surprises, some good, some not so good.

3) Circumstances can make all the difference in the world in influencing your POV. It was only when I realized how lucky I actually am, and stopped feeling angry, forgave my wife, and feeling sorry for myself, that my POV changed. Many on this board have it way tougher than me, so it is much harder for them to get a PMA.

Keep up the good work Eric. Even though I may not always agree with you, I highly value your input.

Peace.

World