Regarding dark w/ kids... I thought so, too... then about a month or so ago, I came across something on the board that actually showed that you really can be dark, even w/ kids... That's where I am, right now.
In fact, it would be pretty much the same as a court ordered parental n/c in a high conflict D. Pick ups and drop offs by third party. Visit scheduled through a third party (and/or there's an online calendar for this type of thing)
Anyhow, just putting it out there. It's up to you how dark you want to be... what's the value for you vs. trying to "teach her a lesson"?
As far as letting them go, I'm not really a good benchmark. Not sure how clear I've been on my sitch about how OK I really am if we get D.
Now understand that I am going to DB to the very end, because I believe in M and I am committed to it and I can't lie, I do love my W. So I will be DBing the mediation and DBing the D.
What that means is, I neither help out with the process, nor do I resist the process. Rather than put stuff out there, initiating the process, I only respond. And when time frames are set, I respond only by deadlines.
