I don't think I'm being punitive. I am angry at my w but unless I'm talking to her, I do a pretty good job at acting vs. reacting. In the depth of my soul, I don't hate her. I don't intend to start.
I'm sure it is a mixed bag but I do know one thing.. there was emotional abuse on her end. I'm sure my current hurt blows it bigger, but it was there. My w acknowledges it (although never calls it abuse) and now after 2 months I do too.
She doesn't want to deal with it and I can understand that, but I need to deal with it now because it's affecting how I look at life. The feelings of a double edged sword with GALing because my w punished me, or because she doesn't want anything to do with me right now. Not talking about it for me isn't allowing me to acknowledge it..until I can acknowledge it, I can't forgive it.
I don't feel the need to punish her for her actions, but it is the pink elephant in our lives. The one that's keeping her distant from me, and the one that is keeping me from moving forward.
I've gone ahead and agreed to meet with her. She's agreed to do it in therapy. I plan on listening to her and validating her feelings. She wants to talk about r... I'm ready to hear what she has to say. However, I also need to talk about r. I need to talk about the abuse. I believe in Solution Based Therapy.. so I want to talk about it and let it go.. but I can't not talk about it. I know it will hurt her, but I will do my best to do it as loving as possible.
It's hard to explain but as a CoDe.. I have to do what's best for me. I let my compassion turn into controlling. This is a 180 for me as well. I've often never expressed my feelings about the way she treated me because I didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to make her feel bad, didn't want her to punish me. What did it do.. it just gave her permission to keep doing it.
Like I said.. I'm not sure I'm healthy enough to be in an r right now. I love my wife unconditionally.. but somewhere I began loving her so much, I stopped loving myself. Idk. I may be making a mistake with my m, but I think I will be making a big step towards detaching and hopefully taking better care of myself.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
