New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[AloneAt35]

Thanks so much Tank, for your support and understanding.

You really hit the nail on the head about my life experience - or lack thereof. I missed all of those 'normal' experiences of adolescence and young adulthood and now I feel so badly that I am struggling with just handling normal adult responsibilities. (In fact, I'm not handling them so well at all.)

I'm trying to act strong and confident, but I am so anxious spending time alone and am so depressed on top of it. The emotional fallout of the last few months and losing the person I assumed was my soul-mate is just indescribable - worse than death for me.

I try to tell myself that the pain is actually making me stronger and better - that this isn't a step backwards, its actually a step forwards even though I feel far LESS competent than the woman I was. The fact is, I wasn't all that competent to begin with, but my relationship with Ex-P masked that.

Also, I was very close with Ex-P's family, and I am shocked that no one has contacted me since this all began. I miss them so badly and have spent every holiday with them for the last 20 years. Holiday situations at my own family were never so good and I just miss my inlaws' love and company and support.

A few weeks after I found out Ex-P was leaving me and about OW, I wrote them a long letter telling them how much I loved, valued, and would miss them all - especially my MIL. I never sent the letter for fear of the reaction from them and Ex-P. Blood is thicker than anything.

You are also correct that there are few issues left to untangle. It was weird that as much as Ex-P wanted to be done with me, he dragged his feet every step of the way in terms of actually moving his stuff out. It was almost as if he was just too lazy or preoccupied with OW to even shut the door on his old life to make things simpler for me to get the house on the market. He actually left me a list of repairs & cosmetic improvements that he wanted me to make before I put the place on the market - and he expected me to do everything while he spent weekends traveling to be with OW.

I imagine that I'll see him two more times: once tomorrow to take care of some financial matters (we have to go to the bank together) and once when our house is sold and we'll both have to be at the closing.

I went through a period where I delayed answering his calls, etc. It didn't seem to matter at all. But it is *somewhat* true that the more you pull away, the more they seek attention (not necessarily in a good way). For example, today he sent me an email about tomorrow's meeting, I answered in just a few short words (all that was required). It resulted in two more emails with silly reminders about stuff we already discussed. I'm not answering because I already KNOW those things. I'm not a moron.

How is your own sitch going Tank? I see that you were also highschool sweethearts (though similar in age...Ex-P was a bit older than me but I had just started my junior year when we met). Did you have similar issues of trauma associated with the abandonment/separation with your significant other?

Dating a significantly older guy in highschool meant that I didn't have many friends because their parents thought I would be a bad influence, etc., so I lost my closest friends and just adopted Ex-P's friends as my own (truly, I would have been a 'bad influence' because Ex-P was in his 'rebellious stage' and provided all sorts of substances). I lived with Ex-P all through college and, at the time, I missed being involved in campus activities and developing friends that way, etc. Now I feel like I don't know how to 'make friends'.

I also think about my future with men. Ex-P was my first and only...I'm actually scared of men and feel like dating would be very off-putting and I wouldn't know how. I see a lot of loneliness ahead of me. I'm so scared.