So its officially been one week since my H told me he was looking to rent his own house. He's been gone for over 8 months now, yet this still hurt a lot. For some reason the fact that he was living with his Mom still gave me a little bit of hope that he may come back. Now I'm sure he's about to sign a 1-year lease. He really hasn't said two words to me since our 'talk' on Friday night. The odd text here and there asking about the kids, or making kid arrangements. No more kissed good bye - which up until Friday he ALWAYS did - even if it was just on my forehead. He actually seems mad at ME. I've been very pleasant though during our few interactions, and I actually haven't contacted him once. I've only responded to the odd text he has sent me. There's so much stuff I want to talk to him about - not relationship talk - just life stuff! Up until a few months ago, he was still my best friend. I still told him everything that was going on in my life etc - even though he didn't really talk about his life - but thats nothing new. I want to tell him about the stuff going on at work, I want to tell him the neighbourhood gossip, I want to complain about my family, I just want to talk to him the way we used to. He's been gone so long now that I've somewhat accepted that he will never love me again, but I'm finding this is the hardest part, letting go of my best friend. I don't even feel like I can babble on about our kids and all the cute or not so cute stuff they've been doing. I know he loves our kids, but he just seems so uninterested in talking to me. He's not mean or anything, and will answer me if I ask a question, he just seems like he has no emotion left for anything. Even when our kids are acting like little hams, where my gutt is about to burst from laughing so hard at them, he is just barely smiling. I am starting to get really worried about him. I know he says the anti-depressants he's on aren't really helping, I just wish wish WISH he would keep talking to someone, or tell the doctor they aren't helping or something. He is just SO UNHAPPY. The unhappiness just POURS out of him right now. I love him to death and I want him to be happy - I just honestly truly don't think he is going to be any happier if we get divorced. And that's the part I struggle with the most - if I knew he would truly be happier without me, I think eventually I would be able to accept that, and I love him enough to let him go. But if he's not going to be any happier, well what's the point? Okay enough babbling about this. I'm been having okay days. I'm crying less - but every time I see him packing something or notice that a drawer has been emptied, I feel sick to my stomach all over again. Last day of school is tomorrow for my 5 yo, so I am hoping to take some days off here and there to take the kids on some day trips. I also finally got my little one into the same daycare as the older one - after an entire year - so my life is about to get a little bit easier in terms of drop offs and pick ups (right now i spend about 90 minutes a daily simply dropping them off at at school/daycare, and picking them up from two different daycares). So the kids are excited to do some fun stuff this summer. I want to make it as fun as I can for them. I'm also planning a short trip with my closest friend, who is going through a very similar thing right now (although in her case, she wants to leave her H b/c he is an alcoholic and compulsive gambler). Funny thing is that her H and my H are good friends - the four of us used to live across the street from each other and pretty much became best friends. They moved about an hour away, but we're still close. The guys don't talk much though. Its so weird, we are both going through he** in our marriages - and I'm the one whose been 'left' and she is the one about to do the 'leaving' yet I would much rather be in my shoes. I can't even imagine what she is going through. Her H treats her like total garbage. My H has never done that to me - and never would, and is appalled at the way his friend is treating his wife. So in some ways, my life isn't so bad. I try to remind myself of this as much as I can though its hard..
So tell me - is there really any reason for me to hang on to any hope? I know only I can truly know and decide when its time to move on, but I really don't see my marriage ever reconciling. Should I still not believe the stuff he says and does? I'm really struggling with that one right now... sigh...
