I can tell you right now that being detached is not about hating your S. It is loving them from a distance. It is where you let go to the point that you do not concern yourself with what your H is doing because you are focused on yourself and your journey. I can also tell you that it takes a while to get to that place.
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I really dont understand how anybody can act this way towards his family. Be loving and kind and generous and then walk away, sleep with OW and not contact for days on end.
It is quite possible that your H does this ^^^ because he is cycling. He goes for days on end having fun and no responsibilities. He then starts to feel guilty and misses his family. He comes and spends some time with you and S. He makes sure you're still there. This relieves some guilt and assures him you're where he left you. He leaves and it starts all over again. This is the rollercoaster. Right now you're aboard with him. You have the choice to get off and not participate on the ride. This is where being detached helps immensely.
So many things that DBing recommends are counter intuitive to how the LBS thinks they should handle things. I am not advocating being cold and uncaring toward your H, but giving him the impression through your actions that he may lose you if he doesn't get himself figured out. Do not verbalize this, just be mysterious, busy and happy with your life.
Sweetie, you're very new to this and I don't discount the fact that you have needs too. We all do. All I wanted at the beginning of this was for my H to wrap his arms around me and tell me it was all going to be OK. That didn't happen, may never happen and probably won't happen anytime soon. You know what? I'm busy with my own journey, happy to be finding myself again, and now absolutely know that if it doesn't happen, I'm going to be just fine.
It takes a long time for the MLCer to figure themselves out. If they come home too quickly w/o dealing with their issues, you may find yourself back here in a few years.
Be grateful for the time you have, use it to help make you the very best RNP you can be. You will come to view it as a gift.
