It seems like everything between my W and I, is just the same. No better, but no worse either. We continue to live together with the kids, in the same house, separate beds. If iI had to put a label on our R right now "platonic", would be it... Living like roommates. I am doing my best to follow the 37 golden rules.
With every day that passes and with reflection, I am recollecting the things that I did to contribute to our current sitch. As a good friend reminded me today at work, over lunch, "it takes 2 people to fail a marriage", and although I heard that before, today, I began to accept the fact that my W also needs to share some of the burden for this too. Up until today, I could only see what I had done.... This reflection is good, it helps me to examine my "opportunities".
I find it tough to not show emotion when I think about things, because I love my W so much, and am disappointed where we are now. I want nothing more than to see her smile at me or call me "baby cakes" like she used to. I don't know if it makes me weak to admit that I am still in love...
I am trying hard to keep my sanity, by reading and journalling. I am currently reading "Hold onto your N.U.T.S." I'm am also making sure to stay engaged with the kids, I LOVE every second with them and they love it too. I miss doing things as a family with my W. Lately she has her activities with them, and I have mine. I also am having a tough time seeing the effect on my parents. They miss my W because she will avoid them at all costs. My W avoids them because she knows that they know our sitch and that makes her uncomfortable. They (my parents) are really hurting.
Things are really tough at work right now. It is VERY difficult to be online with customers screaming at you about the stupidest things when I know that in 2 months I will be out of my job. I am worried about how I will pay the bills, especially my medications... Also my therapist visits will no longer be covered, so I am not sure how I will cope with any more bombs.
Does anyone have any advice on other books I can read that would help me to "build a better me"?
I am trying to remain vigilant, stick to the plan, and most importantly work on myself. I would give anything to be out of this hell...
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
