WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Interesting day -

W apparently e-mailed landlord about renewing the lease in her name. I don't know if this was a sneaky move or just her trying to make sure that if I decide to move out, she can keep the place. She wants me to believe its the latter, but I know from experience hunting for apts with her that she would not be above offering the landlord more $ to make sure she got a place. So, offering to renew for the year rather than month-to-month is not something beyond her playbook.

W called and we ended up having what I would call a 'challenging, but more respectful' conversation. At 40+ minutes, also the longest conversation since she walked out on me. Probably broke a lot of the DB rules, but maybe not so much in spirit of me doing something differently. She called about the apartment and if I knew what I was going to do with it, I informed her that I did not know yet and was not planning to decide in the near future.

We ended up talk about assets and I informed her that I was considering filing for spousal support but was not sure. This really set her off - I think in her mind I was going to just take the hits and leave, without doing this. I could and I'm sure there are benefits to it, but it doesn't change the fact that I've spent our entire M moving around in support of her career often to the detriment of my own (and, in retrospect, my sanity). It doesn't change the fact that the agreements we made were being kept by me, even as she began to internally devalue me as a result. It doesn't change the fact that because of the sacrifices I made in the name of our PARTNERSHIP, I'm now in a much weaker position in terms of the career I've been pursuing and may in fact have to abandon my goals. Going it together was the idea, and the sacrifices that I made were with that in mind. All the while, her career has grown and blossomed so she has become the primary (90%+) breadwinner. It will create a hardship on her - the fact is, I was always very self-conscious about how much less I was contributing financially and avoided spending a lot of our money as a result - was this the best way to deal with it? NO. But, it was the way it was dealt with, and spousal support is probably going to cost her way more money than she was actually contributing to me as a spouse. I bought maybe 1 or 2 new items of clothing in a year - she would buy 2 or 3 a month.

This notion of partnership sticks me a little still - I spent money I had saved or inherited to keep us feeling 'safe' when we were first starting out, and I have never refused to cover bills or rent, even if it meant that my accounts were taking a hit w/o being replenished (in fact, I never once took money from her account into mine). But, since I was not contributing in the way that she tacitly decided I should, this apparently became a source of resentment for her.
She told me 'I can't believe you would do that to me..' and I don't think she really sees the irony - that she, who is saying 'I need to do whats best for me and my future' and is choosing to divorce me, would expect me to also do 'whats best for W and her future (comfort and convenience)' and choose to forgo spousal support because it might make things harder for her. It is as if she has no idea how difficult this whole thing actually is for me - maybe because I'm not being a big enough whiner, I don't know.

I'd rather find a job that I like, am good at, and pays the bills. It would be much more empowering and would take care of my own personal issues a lot more. But, for now I'm keeping it on the table as an option that I can consider as far as 'whats best for me.'

She said it feels like I am trying to force her to come to the M by doing this, and to be honest, that may be a small percentage points of it - to the extent that I'm aware that she may be less inclined to rush ahead as fast as she has if she realizes it might actually make things hard for her. But, my primary intention is to assert that I have contributed and sacrificed in many ways and do not plan to walk away taking even more hits, just because it would be easier on her.

We had a bunch of R talk - about how she never really did work on the marriage, how what she did this past year wasn't fair to me, how I have acted unfairly towards her in the past. We also discussed how the fact that I don't really understand why we are getting divorced makes it hard for me not to sum it up as "I was going through a lot of issues. I got help for those issues. She cheated on me. I wanted to try to work it out. She chose not to, and is leaving the marriage."

This conversation was challenging but did not get disrespectful or heated. She has a hard time accepting that she didn't really ever 'work' on the marriage, and said that she feels like she did want to at some point, but didn't know how or wasn't insistent enough. I have told her that I think she is running away from me as fast as she can, because she is afraid to confront the ugly side of what she did, and she says "I think I'm just choosing a different path." If that isn't euphemism, I don't know what is. The path of adultery, lying, and manipulation? Avoidance? I guess it is a different path, but I do wonder if she will find happiness along it.

She says "I fell into and out of love with you." I asked her if she thinks that she could have done anything about that. she said no, then yes. She said she wanted me to be a different person, and got mad that I wasn't changing, and then decided she shouldn't be trying to change me. I asked her if there was a specific trait she felt was so much a core part of me that it would never change. Didn't get an answer. Then I asked her if she believed those things she had a problem with were really me or if they were situational. She said "probably situational." I left it at that.

I am getting a little bit better at listening and asking questions, which is good - but I still talk way too much under the circumstances - she has complained a lot about me intellectually overwhelming her, so I am working on it not just for this R, but because I know I do it to try and control the outcome - not good for me or anyone else. The problem is, many times she has looked to me to 'coach' her and tell her what to think under stress and be emotionally stabilizing, so its still a challenge to let it go. I'm glad I am doing it though - I think i will be a happier person for it in the long run.

I am trying to learn to 'fight fair' even though this M is likely ending - I feel like its a good thing for me, to be able to get out ahead of these fights and choose to act in a way that goes towards resolution rather than rightness. Again - this can only make me a happier more peaceful person if i do it w/o becoming a doormat. Speaking of which - it occurred to me that in some ways, being a doormat is a very controlling behavior. Any thoughts on that?

She apologized for not speaking up earlier, for having the A, and for jerking me around so much, and I did acknowledge and accept her apology. I think this was a positive, even if perhaps it was more transactional for her than meaningful.

I did allow myself to get sarcastic when she said "I don't hate you, I don't wish you ill, I still really care about you" and I said "I'm not so sure about that last part..". In truth, I'm not sure - at this point, I feel like she says these things more for her benefit. I wonder if there is a part of her that does hate me, and does blame me for her A, and does feel like I ruined our M. I know I've got a 50% role in the R, and I have been spending much of my time examining that role. But, if she ever wants to bring those things up, I should acknowledge them and own it. I just don't think she will. I do feel like I should apologize for my sarcasm - that would be a 180 of its own in some ways.