So...am I still a newcomer?

[any chance?]

You need to get a grip. You are demonizing yourself, and that is a useless exercise. Yes, you made mistakes in your M, as did we all. People make mistakes, sh!t happens, things go wrong. Take ownership of your mistakes, accept them, learn from them and move on. You MUST do this. Wallowing in self-pity is not going to help your sitch at all, not in the least.

You need to be strong, confident and demonstrate you have a new and different direction in your life. Your WAW will notice this. You might not be able to forget the past, maybe you can forgive yourself, but you sure as h*ll don't need to relive it.