It seems stupid, because really it's not what it's about. It's about the feelings inside her that were rubbed raw and allow her to feel devalued and you didn't do that. That comes from within her.
This is a suggestion only, and my personal take. I'm not a professional or even an effective DB'er myself. So take it for what it's worth and tailor to your own situation.
What you can do is agree with her that it's her PERCEPTION that you didn't go out, and you understand she's hurting although not exactly how unless she tells you. State that you're willing to change that pattern and work with her.
This is an argument that has the potential to keep going around and around with no resolution if you can't break out of it.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
That's what I'm figuring that it's something else. I have no idea what though because she's not telling me. She has a lot of self esteem issues and not feeling good enough for anyone. That may even be the root cause. She said she's been unhappy for awhile and I said if you don't tell me we can't fix it.
When we were arguing earlier she said she wasn't willing to work on it and she doesn't want to fix it. blah blah blah. Which is part of DB'ing basically working on yourself I guess
Right now I'm just thinking of just not even talking to her. Way she's going right now there's no way she wants anything to do with me.
"When we were arguing earlier she said she wasn't willing to work on it and she doesn't want to fix it. blah blah blah."
Blah blah blah? Hollowed, you might want to put the cynicism aside while you are in the middle of this, even if it's just posting here. Your W may be saying a lot of things that make no sense or that you've heard before, but somewhere in her words are clues to her perception of why your M is on the rocks.
Minimal or no communication might be a good idea now; gives both of you a chance to step back from each other.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
It doesn't make sense to me really. her reasons have changed several times already. I don't want the responsibilities of marriage...I need to be free...I just want to be alone...I've been unhappy for a long time but tried to convince myself I was...I need to stand on my own two feet..some of it may be true. A lot of things other people did as teenagers she hasn't been able to experience until we got married. I was the person that taught her to drive. That took her out and what not. I've been taking care of her and helping her with problems since we first met. I've had to shoulder a lot in our relationship.
I've been with her through a lot of her bi polar cycles but if that's what may be going on now this is by far her worst one yet.
Her brother calls her emotionally abusive and manipulative. I know she has some issues and I know I am responsible for some of the things in our marriage but it's really hard to just drop the rope here so to speak. Especially when she seems to be going out of her way to hurt me.
I mean literally in 2 weeks it has gone from I'm her best friend...she will always love me to she cares but doesn't love me anymore. It's a really confusing time. I realize that she must be on some kind of emotional rollercoaster herself but I'm sitting passenger on this trip.
I truly love my wife and have always accepted that she does have some problems but the way this stuff keeps changing is just getting insane honestly.
She says she acts happy most of the time because she doesn't want me to know that she has been thinking of leaving off and on. Which if I had been talked too we might not have gotten to this point. I dunno. It's just really hard for me to pinpoint exactly where the problem or problems occurred.
I understand that, and the confusion you are feeling. My W bottled her feelings, frustrations and pain and we never got to the heart of our problems.
But I've found that talking about the R or M is useless right now. Each time we do, I can sense my W pulling away, so I've stopped all conversations except those that are absolutely necessary.
Your W is in a world of confusion & fear, but she needs to find her own way out of it, and that may not happen for a long time. Regarding the presence of an OM, that's something else you have no control over. Our W's are looking for someone to soothe their pain, and it's not us.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I've done really good about not talking about the relationship or the divorce. Today when she mentioned was really the first time it's been mentioned since she told me for certain she wants a divorce and one instance where I apologized for some things I realized I did wrong. Outside of that when we talked we got along just fine.
When she was talking to me today she said that we just argue when we talk and such. To which I told her we don't. Outside of this recent stuff we hadn't had an actual argument in a good 6 months or so. While I have felt we were starting to move forward a little bit today seems more like a few steps back and maybe that's the reasoning behind popping up with saying ILYBNILWY.
I know she usually misses people when they aren't in her life anymore and as hard as it is to do so especially with like I have said I'm so used to having to hold her hand through things I need to figure out how to just let her go.
Well she randomly started texting me again about the separation/divorce. I really don't understand why I figure everything that needs to be said has been said concerning that. I guess she doesn't have it in her to come actually talk to me about it. Not like there is a different answer here or anything. I told her if a divorce is what she really wants I won't deny it. I want to save our marriage and at this point if that is what she really wants I can't help her anymore. I have to somehow prepare myself to move on with her
This has been a roller coaster ride I really don't like. I'm stepping off of it. It'll be hard but I feel like it's breaking me mentally. I just simply can't do this any longer with her. It's been tempting to look at her facebook and I'm trying hard to not look at it. Kind of makes me mad I was in a place most of the day yesterday where I just simply didn't want to talk to her anymore because of the things she said then she starts talking to me nicely again and it's like I just get sucked back into her insanity. I still hope our marriage ends up being able to be saved but this is just getting nuts and as hard as it is I have got to try not to talk to her. It's my only option left her I think. Which has been told to me over and over I'm just hard headed apparently.
Told she doesn't love me anymore and later we have a big blow out over all this. I tell her I'm tired of her telling me I'm her best friend and then treating me like crap. Around noon she starts texting me again saying she wants to be friends. I never reply.
About 6:30 last night when she gets home she's texting me again about the separation/divorce and the way she's wording things is like she's wanting me to talk her out of it. I just simply said if you want a divorce I won't deny it or anything. I have stood behind you on many things throughout the years but the reasons your giving me for the divorce I won't support you on. after that she doesn't text me for a little bit.
I get another text about an hour later. Her asking if we were going to see a movie next weekend. I said ok. Not my smartest move really. She sends me another about 10-15 minutes later saying I don't want to go to a movie with you. I plan to have my stuff moved out then. I said ok then don't ask me to go. She starts trying to argue and I said look your trying to argue I'm trying to be cordial. You want to argue I'll just turn my phone off. She then started being nice again saying I want to be friends with you but I'm not comfortable hanging out with you right now. I said that's ok I can find other things to do. Then she said she was going to bed because she's going in to work early this morning.
