I need to clear up a lot of the details regarding all this. I will be as blunt and honest as possible.
First of all, I admitted to the awful thing here when I first returned in August of 2009. Also, there was no penile penetration. I don't know how graphic I can be here, but it involved my hand and mouth. I am not in any way making less of what I did, but simply want to make things clear. There is no excuse for what I did. It was disgusting, illegal, and I feel terrible for how it made her feel.
D19 did not hear the event. She heard us talking about it after. Also, both kids knew before I told them. STBX lied to me and said she had told no one. Yet, she told S17 and all but told D19 - see my earlier post. Also, years ago she told everyone she works with that I had raped her then, when I hadn't!! That part I will never get my head around. I think she has been telling her staff for years that I am an awful man to justify her affair with her Boss, so no one would come and tell me the truth. No actual proof, but I so think so.
I have been thinking for quite some time, that one evet ended our marriage and that has made me feel even more guilty. But, the real truth is our marriage was over well before that. STBX says she wanted to leave many years ago - and has been having the affair with her Boss for 8-9 years. That night was the final breaking point for her, but there would have been another. Again, I am not making light of my actions! But, the real truth is that I had never done anything in our marriage prior to that to justify a divorce or even her leaving the home.
25 you may get angry at this part..but please just think about it for a moment. What I did was horribly wrong, but if it was so traumatic to STBX, why did she stay with me for months after? And why did she invite me to her apartment for the first time, and really just to have sex? Why did she willingly and actively have sex with me during separation? Once she even bought a new sex toy "for us". We never did use it, but that doesn't matter. Once when we were on vacation together after the event and during separation, she said our sex was now "dirtier". A couple months ago, when she was openly involved with OM/Boss and i was the only one who didn't know, I took her to a concert. That night she (purposely?) opened her legs when I bent down to pick something up and also moved her dress for me to look down at her breasts. She is a very attractive woman and has always used her sexuality to her benefit and always had power over me. She did these things with me while she was "with" OM. Had the truth not come out, I wonder how long she would have continued to flirt with me etc while being with him. Somewhere I posted a list of things she said and did during the months they were open, but I didn't know - they include comments like "I'm going to go play with myself"..."those pants make your penis look puffy"..."we should have dinner together"...."you look dapper today"....moving my coat aside and saying "I want to see how hot you look today". That is just some. I was so confused during that time period that I posted here and asked what it all meant. I believe she was just playing with me because she could, and still wanted me as plan B.
None of this excuses what I did, but if you folks are going to discuss the situation (and I appreciate you doing so) then you should at least, have some idea of the spinning world we have lived in for years. That's why I finally realize we really need to end it. I am not the man I once was and it's because of what I have gone through.
As for telling my kids, my motivation was wrong in virtually every way. But please remember that they already knew and I was almost sure they did. Much like I was sure of lots of things that they have had to keep a secret - like when for months they had to keep the secret of STBX and OM being openly together from me. I think that me telling my kids got it out in the open and they at least know I am not hiding from it and am truly sorry for it.
I could choose to "even up" things and tell them all about STBX and OM, but I won't. I will let them blame me "80%" as my daughter says and let them continue their view of their Mom. That is one loving thing I can do right.
Finally, it does not make what I did better in any way, but I know I am not the kind of man who would molest his wife. The 6 years I spent here is proof of what I am. My anger and rage at STBX and OM built to such a point that in one horrible, disgusting action, I allowed it all to come out and hurt someone I love so deeply. She may never forgive me for what I did, but I hope she also looks back and everything else I did for 23 years together. That one action does not define me as a man. It will forever haunt me, as the worst thing I have ever done in my life, but I am truly sorry and was still willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to STBX if given the chance, until I became aware of just our poisonous our relationship has become.
I hope that clears some things up. I am now working on my anger. I promise.
In response to 25's comment about her making it clear she wanted out:
STBX said and did so many confusing things that she didn't "make it clear she wants out". Do you go on 2 vacations, date, crawl into my bed, flirt, suggest another vacation together (much of that while openly with OM), if you are making it clear you want out? Those are things you do in a relationship or when you are trying to create one, not end one. She did all of those things right up until the day I found out she was now openly with him. Only then, did things change and we start moving towards divorce. 2 days before I found out, she called me at work to suggest putting my name in a contest at the restaurant and suggesting I come to the draw night there. And about a week before that said to me "I have a job interview and am considering vacation with you". Those things actually happened just days before the truth came out. Look back at my posts from mid April. You will see how confused I was. I wish I knew how to link those posts to here.
That certainly puts things into a whole new perspective -- thank you. I'm sorry you had to be so graphic, but I think it was necessary to clear the air.
Regardless of what you did (or didn't do) to your wife that night, it's clear that she got to a point where she again felt safe with you. She's continuing to use that night as a weapon against you, because . . . well, because she can.
Starsky - Thank You! I felt like people would take it as me demeaning the event or trying to excuse it. I'm not. I'm just trying to get people to understand my confusion about everything. I don't think lack of penile penetration really makes a difference. I also should have mentioned again that she was passed out on pain killers, sleeping pills, and I think alcohol when it occurred. It started innocently enough, with me crawling into bed with her and caressing her. Then..she didn't react and then..I tried harder, honestly believing she was just sleeping.....and then I lost it and I was rough and the act became out violence and anger, not love and sexuality.
At the risk of 25 punching the crap out of me...I think she's using that night as a means to justify all her actions and as the reason to not come home. She has been in live with 2 men for years and never wanted to have to make a choice. Only now, that they went open with her relationship, has she had to do so....and that event is the trump card in not choosing me.
How long will you be holding onto this (bad) mistake in your life?
I understand you need to work through it and doing so is great. Important, even.
You are getting a lot of discussion regarding it in your thread here.
You are holding on to it and if you choose, you will hold onto it until your death.
You have owned it, you have apologized for it, and ultimately you have to forgive yourself for it. Not in any empty way. But forgive yourself in a way that you have absolute conviction that you would never, ever do that again because you are now a stronger man.
I am getting that you are ashamed by it. I understand that you feel remorse for it.
Eventually, you really have to get on with the rest of your life and being a better you.
I am getting better with it every day Kaffe. What I am trying to work through is the reality of just how much damage it did. For some reason, I need to know that in order to fully forgive myself.
I would never do anything like that again. There is no question. I only became a man that would so such a thing because of my unrecognized and unresolved anger and I am dealing/have dealt with that. I am a stronger man than I was then or at any point in my life. I am just a confused man who still believes his marriage never had to end.
I am going to focus on this issue when I see my counselor today.
OK, that's fair. Talking about it with your counselor is a good thing. There's something more, I'm sure, just as you've indicated as a "reason" for the action. It is just a reason and the action was an action. The two, while in your mind it seems so, are not necessarily connected. But I'm not asking you to believe me. Just putting that out there.
Here's whats more I see...
You indicate you want to find out how much damage the action caused.
The fact is you are actually punishing yourself more and more, by each "confession" you put out there. You really appear to need to punish yourself because...
You feel you need to be punished, and punished really, really hard. To the extent that your wife needs to punish you, your kids need to punish you, your doctor needs to punish you, your counselor needs to punish you, we need to punish you...
all for a sense of being "right" about how much damage you caused...
I might actually stop buying it, soon... The only judge you will ever truly face in this, on this earth is you. And you have imparted a massive sentence. And you are convicting yourself over and over and over again, for the same crime.
Honestly Kaffe, I haven't. Just admitting it to a couple friends and my Mom helped me. The more I get it out, the less it eats at me. And the more I understand that one single action did not end my marriage the more I feel like I can forgive myself. I am getting there.
I think she's using that night as a means to justify all her actions and as the reason to not come home. She has been in live with 2 men for years and never wanted to have to make a choice. Only now, that they went open with her relationship, has she had to do so....and that event is the trump card in not choosing me.
Really Starsky? She actually didn't even make a choice when they went open. Only when I found out and since then things have changed dramatically in the last 2 months. Literally one week before I found out, she said "I have a job interview and am considering vacation". I think I said this before, but if I had not found out, how long would things have gone the way they were - her with him, but flirting with me, suggesting dinner, going to a concert etc...etc. I really wonder what her motivation was during that time. Was she just playing with me because she is so angry?
