Thanks, jb. I'm holding it together here at work but inside I'm falling apart; the old familiar stomach knot and dry mouth are back again.
There are moments when I see my life w/o my W in it and I feel that I can really move on. Then I fall into the trap of picturing my wife the way she was before all of this, and my mind screams, "How did this happen? Why didn't I see the warning signs earlier?"
W is an Injustice Collector. She is still angry at me over an offhand remark I made while we were at a friends' house...11 years ago. She has trotted out almost every angry word I have spoken and every thoughtless action I have committed in her justification of this. I have replayed all of this over and over in my head and lately it is difficult for me to forgive myself and not take on all of the responsibility for the breakup.
I know I need to get past that, but there are a lot of "if only"s circling me.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
W is an Injustice Collector. She is still angry at me over an offhand remark I made while we were at a friends' house...11 years ago. She has trotted out almost every angry word I have spoken and every thoughtless action I have committed in her justification of this. I have replayed all of this over and over in my head and lately it is difficult for me to forgive myself and not take on all of the responsibility for the breakup.
Telemark, you do need own the parts for which you are responsible. You need to forgive yourself for those parts. That being said, she needs to forgive you for your transgressions, which she obviously hasn't done. She needs to do it for her. She's harboring all of this hurt and it's tearing her up. It will continue to do so until she's able to forgive you. If she moves on to another relationship, she will carry that baggage with her. It's up to you to unload your own baggage.
She has said she's forgiven me but keeps reminding me of what I've done. I had anger issues that drove her away, but I thought they had been absent for years and that we were really coming to a good place in our marriage.
I have been working the 180s regardless and trying to be the man I should be. I think it's too late to save my M; hope it's not too late to save me.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Tele: In part, conscious or not, your W seems to be demonizing you. This provides justification for her actions to her. I know this feeling all to well. What you CANNOT do is let that demonization drag you down. This is her view in her world right now, and should not be your view in your world. Try to keep it in perspective. M's are partnerships, and there are two sides to all aspects.
Have faith in yourself and your positive changes, and keep it up. Hang tight.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
jb and AC, I hear both of you. How do I stop the continuous stream in my head of the wrongs I did inflict on her and our M? I'm sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes as all of these memories are just flooding in.
If only, if only, if only...I know that thinking is useless, but I can't turn it off.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
You need to get a grip. You are demonizing yourself, and that is a useless exercise. Yes, you made mistakes in your M, as did we all. People make mistakes, sh!t happens, things go wrong. Take ownership of your mistakes, accept them, learn from them and move on. You MUST do this. Wallowing in self-pity is not going to help your sitch at all, not in the least.
You need to be strong, confident and demonstrate you have a new and different direction in your life. Your WAW will notice this. You might not be able to forget the past, maybe you can forgive yourself, but you sure as h*ll don't need to relive it.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
You need to forgive yourself. I know from experience it's not easy, and I'm not sure I'm all the way there yet. All you can do with your W is extend the invitation to forgive you. She may never give this gift to herself, but that has to be her problem.
Concentrate on what you can control and change, and that's the moment right now and moving forward.
I'm OK now; momentary breakdown. I read AC's response, got up and went outside to walk around our building (it's a big building). I also prayed; I prayed that God would forgive my selfishness and mean behaviors in the past, and that He would guide me in my new behaviors and actions. And I prayed that I could forgive myself and get on with things.
I've always been very self-critical and have not had a high opinion of myself, so it is easy for me to fall on my own sword. I'm slowly - very slowly - pulling away from that. Today was a step backwards. Tomorrow will be 2 steps forward.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
