I need to clear up a lot of the details regarding all this. I will be as blunt and honest as possible.
First of all, I admitted to the awful thing here when I first returned in August of 2009. Also, there was no penile penetration. I don't know how graphic I can be here, but it involved my hand and mouth. I am not in any way making less of what I did, but simply want to make things clear. There is no excuse for what I did. It was disgusting, illegal, and I feel terrible for how it made her feel.
D19 did not hear the event. She heard us talking about it after. Also, both kids knew before I told them. STBX lied to me and said she had told no one. Yet, she told S17 and all but told D19 - see my earlier post. Also, years ago she told everyone she works with that I had raped her then, when I hadn't!! That part I will never get my head around. I think she has been telling her staff for years that I am an awful man to justify her affair with her Boss, so no one would come and tell me the truth. No actual proof, but I so think so.
I have been thinking for quite some time, that one evet ended our marriage and that has made me feel even more guilty. But, the real truth is our marriage was over well before that. STBX says she wanted to leave many years ago - and has been having the affair with her Boss for 8-9 years. That night was the final breaking point for her, but there would have been another. Again, I am not making light of my actions! But, the real truth is that I had never done anything in our marriage prior to that to justify a divorce or even her leaving the home.
25 you may get angry at this part..but please just think about it for a moment. What I did was horribly wrong, but if it was so traumatic to STBX, why did she stay with me for months after? And why did she invite me to her apartment for the first time, and really just to have sex? Why did she willingly and actively have sex with me during separation? Once she even bought a new sex toy "for us". We never did use it, but that doesn't matter. Once when we were on vacation together after the event and during separation, she said our sex was now "dirtier". A couple months ago, when she was openly involved with OM/Boss and i was the only one who didn't know, I took her to a concert. That night she (purposely?) opened her legs when I bent down to pick something up and also moved her dress for me to look down at her breasts. She is a very attractive woman and has always used her sexuality to her benefit and always had power over me. She did these things with me while she was "with" OM. Had the truth not come out, I wonder how long she would have continued to flirt with me etc while being with him. Somewhere I posted a list of things she said and did during the months they were open, but I didn't know - they include comments like "I'm going to go play with myself"..."those pants make your penis look puffy"..."we should have dinner together"...."you look dapper today"....moving my coat aside and saying "I want to see how hot you look today". That is just some. I was so confused during that time period that I posted here and asked what it all meant. I believe she was just playing with me because she could, and still wanted me as plan B.
None of this excuses what I did, but if you folks are going to discuss the situation (and I appreciate you doing so) then you should at least, have some idea of the spinning world we have lived in for years. That's why I finally realize we really need to end it. I am not the man I once was and it's because of what I have gone through.
As for telling my kids, my motivation was wrong in virtually every way. But please remember that they already knew and I was almost sure they did. Much like I was sure of lots of things that they have had to keep a secret - like when for months they had to keep the secret of STBX and OM being openly together from me. I think that me telling my kids got it out in the open and they at least know I am not hiding from it and am truly sorry for it.
I could choose to "even up" things and tell them all about STBX and OM, but I won't. I will let them blame me "80%" as my daughter says and let them continue their view of their Mom. That is one loving thing I can do right.
Finally, it does not make what I did better in any way, but I know I am not the kind of man who would molest his wife. The 6 years I spent here is proof of what I am. My anger and rage at STBX and OM built to such a point that in one horrible, disgusting action, I allowed it all to come out and hurt someone I love so deeply. She may never forgive me for what I did, but I hope she also looks back and everything else I did for 23 years together. That one action does not define me as a man. It will forever haunt me, as the worst thing I have ever done in my life, but I am truly sorry and was still willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to STBX if given the chance, until I became aware of just our poisonous our relationship has become.
I hope that clears some things up. I am now working on my anger. I promise.
