The big punch - Redux

[~ kd ~]

I totally hear you, Myk.

I empathize with everyone involved in my sitch and how it affects them. From my W and kids, to my parents and family to my W's parents and family, to our joint friends and other acquaintances, both formally and informally...

Every one of them is having their own unique experience of our sitch. Some more emotionally than others.

It's OK to feel bad for your ILs. It's just that you don't need to own their feelings. You can't help them with their feelings. In the same way that you cannot help your W with whatever she is going through which led her to leave and not want to reconcile.

You are a good man and it appears you are trying to fix everyone else and you can not. It is time for you to give in and allow everyone else to have their own experience and emotions. They need to work all this out for themselves.

The only thing you can do is work on yourself. That does not mean that you forget. Please do not forget. That would lead to the likelyhood that you would make the same mistakes.

Rather than forgetting... how about forgiving...?

No... do not forgive anyone else... at least, not yet... first, forgive yourself.

And no... I don't mean forgive yourself for your mistakes... at least, not yet...

I mean forgive yourself for not being able to "fix" the problems for everyone else. Because I see something in you that leads me to think you have taken this entire burden on as your own and something that you will consider yourself a failure if you cannot fix...

Forgive yourself your inability to fix this. You cannot. And then you can move on to the rest of the work...

OK?

[Redo]

KD, that was a really good post with good info you provided there.

I thought i was off that emotional wagon. Looks like i am not.

Yup, after talking to MIL and FIL i did feel lil better that maybe we have a chance....

But absolutely there are lots of things that i need to do for myself to be a better man. I need to take this time to work on myself. I can feel that everyday. Mentally, physically i have never felt more independent, confident and mentally strong.

Yup, my journalling has lot of emotional stuff that i put out. More like dumping out my mind so i can get it off.

Your feedback has been great. I'll be sure to read it again and again

[~ kd ~]

A friend recently told me that my W posted she's exited to go to an outdoor, country festival. I thought to myself, and out loud to my friend... "She doesn't like country music..."

And that... was it... I know she is going to be there with her enabling friends. I am sure that OM will be there. And while I DO care that she's still on that path... I had very, very little, if any emotional attachment to that fact.

She is prepping the motor home for it. I do not feel like I'll be missing out on some fun event. She will likely drink a lot. I will joke I hope she gets a wicked hang over. She will likely hug OM, maybe kiss OM, or...?

And emotionally...? I've got nothing. It probably helps that I really don't like country music. lol!

And I know that, when she gets back, if she told me she's thought about it and is now ready to work on the M... I would consider it...

I'm not being flippant. There's a lot of thoughts in my head that could easily turn emotional. It's just not in me any more to be emotionally invested in someone who is behaving in a way that is not who I believe I married. Someone who I would not be married to on any given Sunday...

I can say the above, stop and ponder it for a few moments and then my mind wanders to what I need to do later today, or what this weekend might look like for me. And I don't feel any need to "vent" about it on my thread.

The nice thing about all of this, my sitch? I don't have people telling me that I should talk to my W, that I need to work things out with her, or in any way pressuring me because of their own needs or wants.

For me, I don't think there was any specific process that got me to this point. It was just a combination of time and GAL and accepting the truth that I cannot control anyone and serious, deep soul searching.

[Redo]

The biggest problem through my sitch has been the "dropping the rope" part. I guess it is because when i came here, i could be described as a good example for co-dependency (or doormat).

Thanks to lot of good folks here on the forums, I am slowly recovering. Honestly i dont think i ever took time to mature as a man. I guess that is why wife always joked that she was dealing with a kid.

I am learning now what it takes to be a man. And what it takes to be a husband. Good stuff. Sometimes i feel stupid that i never introspected myself these 11 years or sought help.

But after being on these forums for about 6 months now it feels so empowering.

I think yesterday's conversation with my MIL showed that. Usually i am so scared about wife leaving me that i compromise on everything. Agree to everything. But yesterday i told them that even if wife decided to come back, that she would have to change her attitude and way of thinking. And that if she did not change, then i would not want that person. Wow, after i said that, i had this rush. I am pretty sure my IL were shocked too. They always knew me to be the 'bookworm nerd with no life skills'. I am not sure how long this euphoria will last, but it does feel good to be empowered.

[Redo]

Journaling...

Not much happening on my side. Just waiting for those draft decree papers that wife said would be sent soon. That was 2 weeks ago. I am not going to be excited to see them. But i will not freak out either. I am slowly beginning to feel my worth. And i dunno, i have this weird feeling that wife and i will get back together. Might not happen right away, but i'll wait...

I guess my convo with the IL did help. We talked a lot. I did let them know that this time i am not going to beg my wife back. It feels liberating NOT to be driven by fear. I was always driven by fear of my wife leaving me.

On the other hand, i just realized...I hate rollercoaster rides, especially the part where the cart jets down the ramp!! I think i have ridden them only twice in my life. That led me to think "what the hell am i doing with skydiving then????. Thats like the ultimate rollercoaster ride". In any case, i am still gonna go. I have this compelling feeling of trying this thing once

[~ kd ~]

There are plenty of scientific studies that have proven that, if you put a group of women into the same house, eventually their cycles begin to match...

I didn't realize that was possible for guys, as well... lol

I am seeing so much of this right now:

"Unless my W does this, or does that, or changes her (whatever)... I will not take her / want her back!"

Really?

I like that you changed your tune a little, MyK, to say "I will not beg her back."

Does she have to change...? Or is there possibly another (other) option...?

As this: If you change to be a better man, is it possible that your changes and the person she is may actually match more closely and the two of you may simply converge back to M...?

Jest sayin'...

[Redo]

Does she have to change...? Or is there possibly another (other) option...?

As this: If you change to be a better man, is it possible that your changes and the person she is may actually match more closely and the two of you may simply converge back to M...?

Very good point KD. Maybe there is a better way to put it than saying that i will not take her back if she does not change.

Through out our marriage i was the only person who was tasked with changing myself. As i said, i was very immature in my thinking that i did not realize that in a marriage, both partners need to make changes for the other. Instead i thought that i could make changes for the both of us. Very bad. Because everytime i tried that it kept backfiring. In reality that does not work. At that time i was driven by fear. Now i realize where i went wrong. I set no boundaries. I was passive aggressive. When wife crossed them, i did not discuss them maturely with her and instead kept bottling them inside and withdrew. It did no good.

So when i say that wife needs to change, it is because only then our relationship can flourish. If wife came back with the same attitude she has now where she feels that i am the cause for all her pains, and if we got back, we would not last long. Nope, all I want her to understand is that she needs to be my partner and help me to make her happy and in the same way, i help her to make me happy. And there are lots of fine details in that statement. I just don't want her to think that bailing out is the solution.

[~ kd ~]

Good stuff, MyK.

There is another study (just so you know, 79% of all statistics are made up... lol) No truly there is another study, but I cannot quote the source, that indicates that in relationships / partnerships, as one partner steps up, the other modifies their behaviours and steps up in kind. This can be found in business as well as in M or other relationships.

IOW: If you step up and become the man only a fool would leave (and I'm pretty sure that MWD says it somewhere in DB or DR), the W actually has no choice (or better stated, the OS is given the example and shown the way to also step up to leadership) than to adjust and be with or on the same page as the H. The OS actually changes as a result of our changes.

Make sense?

[Redo]

definitely makes sense. And i agree with what you said.

I definitely agree with what MWD says about "Be the change you wish to see".

[spellfire]

I am not sure how long this euphoria will last, but it does feel good to be empowered.

It is a rollercoaster all of it's own. Just trust in the fact that when you hit the bottom cycle, you will be much better equipped to pull yourself out of it and get back that feeling of empowerment.

I usually get out and do something fun. Sometimes I just want to take in everything in this amazing thing called life.

I always say to myself "two steps forward, one step back" when things are tough. Sometimes you have to give ground in order to make groud.