Don't know where I am

[Harrier]

I am not strong enough right now. If not for my kids...I don't know what I'd do.

Something fundamentally changed last night. I lost hope. I know hope isn't a plan and some would say that hope clouds the issue and hope makes things worse. But it was nice to have.

I have told her that I accept moving out, in fact I've been consistent and she agreed that I've been saying sooner rather than later.

I'm stuck right now. I can't move out right now due to finances. GAL is tough. I never was much at faking it that's why moving out would be easier as I wouldn't have to fake it as much.

Nothing has affected my R with my kids and she knows that.

I should focus on the future but she's really put me in a bind on this because if I say to her that I don't want any kind of post-divorce friendship - she says I'm being selfish by only wanting it my way and that the relationship and her must not be that important because I don't want her in my life.

Then she accuses me of not fighting for any kind of relationship. (Because she did when we first met. I told her I didn't want to date her and she insisted that we still be friends and worked to make that happen.) What she doesn't get is that its just too damn painful to have her in my life if everything goes the way I think it will. She wants it both ways.

I also really need to think about what I want in this M and if she can give it.

I asked her this "What if we go through all this and you decide that you want to stay together, but I decide I can't? What would you do?"

She said "I'd beg you not to and ask what I can do to changes things."

So this morning we are getting the kids in our car. now sometimes she gives me a hug before I get into my car. Today I was just wanting to get to my car and I was waiting for her to finish buckling in our son. As I went past her she squeezed my shoulder.

Oh well.