New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[AloneAt35]

Thanks guys for getting me back on track. I don't know what I was thinking. I honestly THOUGHT I was DBing.

MrBond, No, I NEVER, ever contact Ex-P. The only reason he contacts me is to work out logistical stuff. (Not that it matters, but I had to follow up tonight's conversation with a very matter of fact email telling him that he needs to clear out the rest of his stuff because he is now living in a big house and I am being forced to downsize to a studio apartment.) What plan of action do you suggest - other than to NOT be soooo nice. I need help!

25years, I'm getting the sense that you think reconciliation with Ex-P is hopeless. That is probably what I need to hear. Its just so hard to accept. I want there to be hope. I want to believe that love is long-suffering and that love never fails.

I see how you were able to contrast the life you had back home with the much less appealing life your husband was living in Alaska...but I don't have anything appealing to offer EXCEPT my niceness. I'm losing our home, moving into a tiny apartment, have no children to maintain a connection, am accepting a higher-paying though less interesting job, and am (in every conceivable way) becoming *less* of a catch than I formerly was when I at least was credited with maintaining a nice home and lifestyle for Ex-P.

So, in short, ALL I have to offer is my friendship and love. Yet, he appears not to even want or value that...though it was my hope that he would. All is lost, I must let him go.

Yes, I need counseling soooooo badly, but its not in the budget. Ex-P has offered to give me some money (how much, I have no idea) but he wants to meet up on Thursday to do it. This will be the first time I've seen him in seven or eight weeks and I am terrified I'll break down. Well, at least I've now got a smokin' hot body from the depression diet. I doubt he'll notice but everyone else seems to. I bought a new lipstick. I never used to wear make-up.

25years, you ask if I ever get angry, yes I do, but very rarely. They say that depression is anger turned inwards, I can totally vouch for that. If someone does something mean or unfair to me, rather than hate them, I hate myself. I do feel really, really bitter that ex-P left me without warning, started a new relationship within hours, slept in our bed after being with her - before I found out, carried on with OW insensitively in front of me for weeks, and has ruined me financially, emotionally, and in every other way. I'm bitter that he lied when he said we'd always be together. I'm bitter that he destroyed the only future I ever wanted or expected. I'm bitter that he also took my past by claiming that he fell out of love with me long ago...it was all false.

Yet, I still want him back because I remember the person he WAS and not the selfish, insensitive creature he seemingly became overnight. It is so, so sad. It is pathetic, I am pathetic. I'm not ready for a new screen name yet. I'm not even ready for tomorrow. I was packing up stuff today and came across an envelope full of home-made cards he made me for every birthday, anniversary, etc. They were so sweet, so full of love and care and effort - and now I have to believe that it was all false.