You are going to drive yourself crazy looking at those records. And you know it.
I bet that your heartrate accelerates before you even look, and depending on what you find it gets worse or stays about the same for a little longer. You are subjecting yourself to unnecessary fight/flight responses because the fear of what he might be doing is overwhelming you.
It is going to drain you and make it harder for you to deal w/ other things. Spent enough time doing it and you are going to find yourself lacking energy for things that are important to you. Please - for your sake - stop making yourself suffer.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I do notice that you are saying when you find no evidence, you do NOT feel guilt for checking up...
???
What if you found out that your H has been snooping on you... and found a number he didn't recognize... so now... he's assumed your in an A and are simply trying to coerce him... or some such...
How would that feel? Would you be angry? Would you expect him to feel guilty for even considering that? Would you GUILT him for doing that?
Trust me DG, I understand. Every time I talk to my sister, she is convinced my w met someone. That could be the only reason why she would pretty much completely cut off contact with me after 10 yrs.
And you know what.. she may be. But I told her when we separated that I wouldn't look through her stuff. (It would be so easy, I know all the passwords). I've been so tempted. God knows it's so hard when you never saw the bomb coming to not try to protect yourself from ANOTHER bomb. For me, its not about trusting her really. It's about being someone I want to be. I want to keep my promises. I want to live my life in a positive way w/o worrying when another action she does will hurt me.. Plus if she looked at my stuff, I'd be p!ssed.
Hug... You've looked, now stop it! Whatever your spouse does.. he does. But take the higher road on this. Don't put yourself in situations where you can hurt yourself.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
You know I have struggled with detaching and obsessing about my wife. when I do manage it, I feel so much better as I am in control of my life and my happiness.
Every time you focus more on him than you , you are empowering him and preventing yourself from moving on with your life. Look DG, we all know how much you love him and how difficult it is to truly detach , but it is essential. I am finally feeling good and I mean its real. It took a long time and I will probably back slide again but the valleys get further and further apart and then I think you will just feel good, period and realize.
Hey, I once lived a life without her/him and i was fine. My last few years were not great because of our relationship so maybe I can do this again and find some happines with or without them.
Make it happen DG, just do it one minute at a time. Im pulling for you Sweetie cause you deserve it.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I do notice that you are saying when you find no evidence, you do NOT feel guilt for checking up...
???
What if you found out that your H has been snooping on you... and found a number he didn't recognize... so now... he's assumed your in an A and are simply trying to coerce him... or some such...
How would that feel? Would you be angry? Would you expect him to feel guilty for even considering that? Would you GUILT him for doing that?
Just wondering...
I can't say for sure how I would feel if I found out he was snooping on me. I know I don't have anything to hide so as far as I am concerned, he can snoop away.
I can't describe how I feel when I don't find anything. Relief mostly, and then angry with myself for acting so childish and being a stalker. It makes me feel like a hypocrite.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Every time you focus more on him than you , you are empowering him and preventing yourself from moving on with your life. Look DG, we all know how much you love him and how difficult it is to truly detach , but it is essential. I am finally feeling good and I mean its real. It took a long time and I will probably back slide again but the valleys get further and further apart and then I think you will just feel good, period and realize.
9
Thank you 9, I appreciate your support. I am really, really going to try to stop. My first goal is to not check them tomorrow. (I don't have a computer at home).
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
DG, I used to be a habitual cell phone record checker and email snooper. It was constant, all day. I would check them at work, I kept my laptop open at all times with everything pulled up. I was a slave to all of it. If I found phone numbers I didn't recognize, I would call the number and then hang up just to see who answered. To sum it up, I had a huge problem. Sometimes I would confront him about texting a certain number more than I cared for and he would always have an explanation. I even woke him up one night before he moved out to question him about something. This was the nail in my coffin. I have since learned that by me waking him up that night, he felt that I could never change and decided to sign the lease to his apartment. I failed at DB and I paid for it.
Then my husband moved out and changed all of his passwords. He transferred his cell phone to an account of his own. At first when I couldn't check everything, it felt like someone cut off my arm. Then I felt...FREE. Free from obsessing, checking, having my world revolve around numbers on a screen. As funny as it sounds, it wasn't until my access was cut off that I could finally take a good look at what kind of wife I was to my husband. I didn't like what I saw in the mirror and now I have really started working on "me". DB has been paying off, in baby steps, but I am going to continue doing what works.
I know that this probably too long, but I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly what it feels like to NEED to look at the phone records. Life is so much better not looking at them. I promise.
Take care.
Me: 35 H: 33 M: 3 1/2 years, together 6 years No kids Bomb #1: ILYBNILWY 1/25/11 Signed 6 month lease: 3/16/11 Separated: 4/2/11 I'm moving..alone: 9/27/11
I can't describe how I feel when I don't find anything. Relief mostly, and then angry with myself for acting so childish and being a stalker. It makes me feel like a hypocrite.
I don't want to say, "good"... but... good...
Not to make light as I, like others... like 9 said above... I understand what it's like to be so attached, how hard it is to detach... and I too am pulling for you!
What I was hoping to find is that you do feel a certain "buyers remorse" after you do your checks. Use that to your advantage and try to really amp up that feeling before you snoop again.
The only way to quit something is to keep quitting...
Hey DG. Just reading your thread here. Don't beat yourself up too much for snooping. I've done it too (obviously). However, very rarely does anything good come of it...
Unless...
You find OP sitting on your S's toilet and it leads him/her to ending that R.
LOL!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
