WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Just got back from a nice evening hanging out with some friends. Was able to avoid talking about the M too much, which was nice.

BUT

Ran into a mutual friend of W and myself @ the bar though - he asked where W was. I ended up telling him the rough sketch of the situation - the problem is, I can't really explain "what happened" as far as "why" we are getting divorced other than to guess that "W cheated on me for a year and doesn't want to try and work it out." I feel conflicted about this:

When W was pretending that she still wanted to work things out, I covered for her, big time. I told two people - people I trusted would not spread it around and whose insight and counsel I considered most valuable. I didn't tell my family, and I didn't tell my friends who asked about her when I ran into them - I found an acceptable truth. But here's the thing - I don't like to lie - it makes me feel gross and I find lies have a way of catching up to you.

I'm not going to lie on W's behalf - I'm not going to lie about my role in this situation either, but the fact is she did cheat on me, and only made the slimmest of pretenses of trying to work it out before walking out the door again. Telling me "I think I cheated on you because I wanted you to divorce me." I think there is a term for kind of post-fact reasoning/distortion. That is also one hell of a way to leave your lover. But, it doesn't leave me with much in the way of understanding why we are actually getting divorced and what was 'unworkable.' So, I have to go with the facts I have been given for the time being.

W has also told me 'everybody knows about the situation' and 'the whole town is talking about it' So I have been under the impression that mutual friends already knew the scene. Given, as a mentioned earlier - most of these people are 'her friends' I've avoided contact with a lot of them because I expect there is some 'side taking.' I was actually surprised he was so friendly at first as I figured there would be the awkwardness of the whole situation..

Anyways - I'm trying not to get too caught up in the "should" or "shouldn't" of this whole thing, but there is a part of me that feels a little icky about it - I am certainly not going around telling everyone I see or looking for opportunities to explain it, but a lot of the people I know here have never even seen me w/o W within 50 meters of me, so they are going to ask. But, it does put W in a tough spot.

Talking with my IC yesterday, we discussed how in many ways this whole situation seems to be manifesting some of my own deeper fears: rejection and abandonment. I'd say I'm experiencing that in spades. It also appears to manifesting W's big worries - she is always worried about how she looks to other people and if people are mad at her or judge her. And now she has created a situation where she actually may end up being judged by people by her real actions and choices.

I feel empathy for her situation but I don't think that I should have to be dishonest or cryptic because she chose to follow the path she chose, but doesn't want anyone else to know the parts that don't make her look good.

I'm sure that some of you have 2x4's ready for me, and I'm more than happy to experience them - if someone has a better way of responding I'm all for hearing it - I'm not used to even running into people I know at bars, let alone handling a subject like that.