So...am I still a newcomer?

[Denver_2010]

I'm getting to the end of my rope with W's EA. She is spending nearly all of her time either in her bedroom or in her office texting away. I also heard her talking to him last night-our bedrooms adjoin each other, and I could hear her tell him she loved him, she missed him and wished she were with him.

To hear my W speak those words to another man was one of the most gut-wrenching things I have experienced.

I am not able to detach while this behavior is right under my nose.

I do not deserve to be disrespected in my own home this way, and I think it is time to say:

"W, you continue to maintain an EA with the OM, when you had assured me several times you were not doing that. Infidelity is something I should not have to endure in my own house. If you want to continue your relationship with him, you need to find your own place to live."

I'm not giving up, but I'm not giving in.

Telemark - Tell me, has your W talked about leaving and finding her own place? Has she talked about D?

I apologize that I am not fully informed about your sitch.

Listen, I have been where you are now. However, my W had already made the decision to leave and move into her own place. She also was in the mindset that OM was just a friend at that time. She had no intention of anything happening with OM... While I believe her that she really did think that, I also believe that on a subconscious level, she knew that it would progress once she moved out...

And I knew that it would as well... even though I was in denial.

Okay, so what should you do?

1) If you give her an ultimatum, which I would not blame you for doing... You MUST be prepared for her to choose her A and to move out... you must also prepare yourself that the EA will progress to PA... because it will.

You also must be prepared that this will be the end of your M.

why? Bc once you throw that ultimatum out there, it is very difficult to take back. It is also a boundary. You will read on this board that you MUST enforce a boundary if you set it. This is true IMO.

Can you imagine telling your W, end the EA or move out... she moves out and THEN you try to DB, get her back, and be patient with the A? Ain't happening. At least not with you maintaining any level of credibility or respect from your W.

I personally don't suggest the ultimatum/boundary for this reason. Not if you still want to save your M.

2) Ignore the EA, go on living your life, but not doing anything different.... If you choose this, the EA could last a VERY long time and may eventually progress to a PA.

If you choose this, the EA may eventually burn itself out and then you and your W may choose to work on your M.

3) State very clearly that you do not approve of the EA, go on living your life, and then do something different.

What I would do if I were you.

It sounds like you have already told your W that you do not approve of the EA. I'm not sure in what way that you have done this. Either way, I might consider sitting down with her and calmly, clearly and unequivocally telling her again that it is unacceptable.

Then... GAL like you have never GAL'd before.

a) Go out - Even if you just drive somewhere and sit in your car. I'd suggest actually going and trying to have fun doing something.... go listen to live music, something... and stay out LATE. Change it up... Do things that ARE out of character for you ... at least what your W knows of you.

b) don't tell your W where you are going - If she asks where you are going or what you have been doing, you tell her that as long as she is in an A that she no longer has the right to ask you this type of question.

c) Become very mysterious - Go buy yourself some new clothes. Go get a new haircut. Buy some new cologne. Whatever it takes to change it up... be an enigma to your W. In other words, give her a taste of her own medicine without breaking your M vows and violating your own morals.

d) Give this time ... my guess is that she will begin to wonder what is going on with you... if she is LOSING you... and she will become interested in you.

The result? Hopefully, the more that she begins to see you as interesting and mysterious, the less interesting and appealing the OM will become.

You HAVE to figure out a way to turn the tables man.

Right now your W knows that she has you. You are her H, she knows that you want to be M'd, that you are there if and when she decides to be your W again... YOu have to create some doubt in her mind.

My 2 cents.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is the worst.

Good luck man.

BITS
Denver