KML, I'm not sure I get that, but it's as good a reason as any I suppose. I don't pretend to understand why she left. Or why she told me she never loved me etc. I made peace with the idea while I like a good puzzle, there are some things I won't understand.
Is what it is.
As for the benefits. I think that it really doesn't matter much. If it helps her out, that's fine. I think what bothered me more is that I can see her using that as a, "well, you owe me for <insert something here> and it equals what you pay for the benefits." I really don't want to get into that game. The money is inconsequential. Always has been.
I realize through this that I have the key. I can leave whenever I want. I knew that all along. And I want to leave. My latest realization was how she tries to keep me connected with the push pull. Looking back, I see that's been going on for a long time but wanting divorce is a big giant push. Again, is what it is. I can't figure it out and I gave up trying for Lent. In 2010
I choose to not talk to her because she is abusive. The less I talk to her the more she finds a reason to try and contact (control?) me. I do not want that. She wants to leave? Fine. I have to deal with that. She wants to remain in my life? Nope. No more than absolutely necessary. She is welcome to deal with her issues with the new boyfriend, by herself, or however she chooses. I have no say in any of this other than to heal myself. To do that, I have to stop the push pull that she has been trying to incorporate. I see that. I've been told that all along, but I truly see that clearly now. There is no other way to be finished and more importantly healed.
Almost to the next step. I can file in two weeks and will hopefully have a sep agreement prior to that. Been a long road, but the next part is about to begin and I am looking forward to that. Never thought I'd say that, but I still, to this day have nothing left to give. I'm tapped out. I can afford grace and dignity, but that's about it.
Enough. I started a new job and I'm swamped. I really like it though
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
