So...am I still a newcomer?

[Telemark]

Thanks, everyone. Reading your words of encouragement is a great help.

Fortunately my mental state right now is much better. I went to our fiddle player's house this evening to help him with some plumbing problems and congratulate him on the arrival of his new granddaughter. He echoed your advice. Also provided some very good beer.

Came home and put the final topcoat on my W's late grandfather's desk I am repairing and refinishing. It's a project I've been working on for months; regardless of what is going on between us, I want to complete it for her to enjoy.

[Telemark]

I'm getting to the end of my rope with W's EA. She is spending nearly all of her time either in her bedroom or in her office texting away. I also heard her talking to him last night-our bedrooms adjoin each other, and I could hear her tell him she loved him, she missed him and wished she were with him.

To hear my W speak those words to another man was one of the most gut-wrenching things I have experienced.

I am not able to detach while this behavior is right under my nose.

I do not deserve to be disrespected in my own home this way, and I think it is time to say:

"W, you continue to maintain an EA with the OM, when you had assured me several times you were not doing that. Infidelity is something I should not have to endure in my own house. If you want to continue your relationship with him, you need to find your own place to live."

I'm not giving up, but I'm not giving in.

[jbnati]

Man, I am so sorry, Telemark. That is so tough.

I would tell you that she's going to do what she's going to do and you shouldn't pay any attention to what she's doing but it's nearly impossible when it's in your face.

Are you truly ready throw down the ultimatum? I believe there's something about this in DR under Infidelity.

[any chance?]

Tele - sorry for your pain.

This is a tough one. My initial reaction is to agree with you - the massive disrespect is simply not right. But then I waffle, and remember the ideas that I have read several times in different books (DR among them) that most A's fade after a short period of time, that the WAW really is not fully aware of the pain she is causing, etc. For now, I urge you to calm down, take a step back, and take a deep breath. Do nothing in haste....

I hope the vets on this site, especially the wise women, will chime in on this one.

Good luck. Hang tight.

[Denver_2010]

I'm getting to the end of my rope with W's EA. She is spending nearly all of her time either in her bedroom or in her office texting away. I also heard her talking to him last night-our bedrooms adjoin each other, and I could hear her tell him she loved him, she missed him and wished she were with him.

To hear my W speak those words to another man was one of the most gut-wrenching things I have experienced.

I am not able to detach while this behavior is right under my nose.

I do not deserve to be disrespected in my own home this way, and I think it is time to say:

"W, you continue to maintain an EA with the OM, when you had assured me several times you were not doing that. Infidelity is something I should not have to endure in my own house. If you want to continue your relationship with him, you need to find your own place to live."

I'm not giving up, but I'm not giving in.

Telemark - Tell me, has your W talked about leaving and finding her own place? Has she talked about D?

I apologize that I am not fully informed about your sitch.

Listen, I have been where you are now. However, my W had already made the decision to leave and move into her own place. She also was in the mindset that OM was just a friend at that time. She had no intention of anything happening with OM... While I believe her that she really did think that, I also believe that on a subconscious level, she knew that it would progress once she moved out...

And I knew that it would as well... even though I was in denial.

Okay, so what should you do?

1) If you give her an ultimatum, which I would not blame you for doing... You MUST be prepared for her to choose her A and to move out... you must also prepare yourself that the EA will progress to PA... because it will.

You also must be prepared that this will be the end of your M.

why? Bc once you throw that ultimatum out there, it is very difficult to take back. It is also a boundary. You will read on this board that you MUST enforce a boundary if you set it. This is true IMO.

Can you imagine telling your W, end the EA or move out... she moves out and THEN you try to DB, get her back, and be patient with the A? Ain't happening. At least not with you maintaining any level of credibility or respect from your W.

I personally don't suggest the ultimatum/boundary for this reason. Not if you still want to save your M.

2) Ignore the EA, go on living your life, but not doing anything different.... If you choose this, the EA could last a VERY long time and may eventually progress to a PA.

If you choose this, the EA may eventually burn itself out and then you and your W may choose to work on your M.

3) State very clearly that you do not approve of the EA, go on living your life, and then do something different.

What I would do if I were you.

It sounds like you have already told your W that you do not approve of the EA. I'm not sure in what way that you have done this. Either way, I might consider sitting down with her and calmly, clearly and unequivocally telling her again that it is unacceptable.

Then... GAL like you have never GAL'd before.

a) Go out - Even if you just drive somewhere and sit in your car. I'd suggest actually going and trying to have fun doing something.... go listen to live music, something... and stay out LATE. Change it up... Do things that ARE out of character for you ... at least what your W knows of you.

b) don't tell your W where you are going - If she asks where you are going or what you have been doing, you tell her that as long as she is in an A that she no longer has the right to ask you this type of question.

c) Become very mysterious - Go buy yourself some new clothes. Go get a new haircut. Buy some new cologne. Whatever it takes to change it up... be an enigma to your W. In other words, give her a taste of her own medicine without breaking your M vows and violating your own morals.

d) Give this time ... my guess is that she will begin to wonder what is going on with you... if she is LOSING you... and she will become interested in you.

The result? Hopefully, the more that she begins to see you as interesting and mysterious, the less interesting and appealing the OM will become.

You HAVE to figure out a way to turn the tables man.

Right now your W knows that she has you. You are her H, she knows that you want to be M'd, that you are there if and when she decides to be your W again... YOu have to create some doubt in her mind.

My 2 cents.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is the worst.

Good luck man.

BITS
Denver

[~ kd ~]

TM, I will chime in here...

I do not regret moving out. Some think that being apart would be harder than staying in the same place... I don't know about that... I couldn't imagine what it would be like to live under the same roof as my W, knowing full well an EA, and possible a PA, was going on.

I moved out for additional reasons. I am better for it.

The point being, once I moved out, there was no need for my W to "sneak around". Even though she was doing a horrible job of it while I was still living there. Moving out didn't enable her nor did it condone the EA. But it certainly would have made it easier for her.

As much as I'm sure it really hurts to be witness (hearing) about the continued EA, you are still in a position to be the man only a fool would leave.

I'm not exactly sure how you might say it, but I'm thinking something along the lines of...

"W.

While I appreciate that we are living under the same roof simply as room mates, it is still difficult for me to overhear conversations you have with (state OM's name, if you know it).

I ask if you could be a little more discreet with your conversations, as I am still feeling sensitive about it."

That might sound too forgiving. Like you're condoning the EA. It might be the best option, though.

If you tell your wife to pack or drop OM, she may choose packing, as Denver suggested.

If you tell your wife to drop OM, she is likely to just think "screw u. I will do what I want."

You could affirm you do not condone the EA if you feel you must, but if you simply assert your feelings, then you possibly put you into the EA equation, every time she picks up a phone to talk to him. This could have benefits in many different ways.

[Denver_2010]

I'm getting to the end of my rope with W's EA. She is spending nearly all of her time either in her bedroom or in her office texting away. I also heard her talking to him last night-our bedrooms adjoin each other, and I could hear her tell him she loved him, she missed him and wished she were with him.

To hear my W speak those words to another man was one of the most gut-wrenching things I have experienced.

I am not able to detach while this behavior is right under my nose.

I do not deserve to be disrespected in my own home this way, and I think it is time to say:

"W, you continue to maintain an EA with the OM, when you had assured me several times you were not doing that. Infidelity is something I should not have to endure in my own house. If you want to continue your relationship with him, you need to find your own place to live."

I'm not giving up, but I'm not giving in.

Telemark - Tell me, has your W talked about leaving and finding her own place? Has she talked about D?

I apologize that I am not fully informed about your sitch.

Listen, I have been where you are now. However, my W had already made the decision to leave and move into her own place. She also was in the mindset that OM was just a friend at that time. She had no intention of anything happening with OM... While I believe her that she really did think that, I also believe that on a subconscious level, she knew that it would progress once she moved out...

And I knew that it would as well... even though I was in denial.

Okay, so what should you do?

1) If you give her an ultimatum, which I would not blame you for doing... You MUST be prepared for her to choose her A and to move out... you must also prepare yourself that the EA will progress to PA... because it will.

You also must be prepared that this will be the end of your M.

why? Bc once you throw that ultimatum out there, it is very difficult to take back. It is also a boundary. You will read on this board that you MUST enforce a boundary if you set it. This is true IMO.

Can you imagine telling your W, end the EA or move out... she moves out and THEN you try to DB, get her back, and be patient with the A? Ain't happening. At least not with you maintaining any level of credibility or respect from your W.

I personally don't suggest the ultimatum/boundary for this reason. Not if you still want to save your M.

2) Ignore the EA, go on living your life, but not doing anything different.... If you choose this, the EA could last a VERY long time and may eventually progress to a PA.

If you choose this, the EA may eventually burn itself out and then you and your W may choose to work on your M.

3) State very clearly that you do not approve of the EA, go on living your life, and then do something different.

What I would do if I were you.

It sounds like you have already told your W that you do not approve of the EA. I'm not sure in what way that you have done this. Either way, I might consider sitting down with her and calmly, clearly and unequivocally telling her again that it is unacceptable.

Then... GAL like you have never GAL'd before.

a) Go out - Even if you just drive somewhere and sit in your car. I'd suggest actually going and trying to have fun doing something.... go listen to live music, something... and stay out LATE. Change it up... Do things that ARE out of character for you ... at least what your W knows of you.

b) don't tell your W where you are going - If she asks where you are going or what you have been doing, you tell her that as long as she is in an A that she no longer has the right to ask you this type of question.

c) Become very mysterious - Go buy yourself some new clothes. Go get a new haircut. Buy some new cologne. Whatever it takes to change it up... be an enigma to your W. In other words, give her a taste of her own medicine without breaking your M vows and violating your own morals.

d) Give this time ... my guess is that she will begin to wonder what is going on with you... if she is LOSING you... and she will become interested in you.

The result? Hopefully, the more that she begins to see you as interesting and mysterious, the less interesting and appealing the OM will become.

You HAVE to figure out a way to turn the tables man.

Right now your W knows that she has you. You are her H, she knows that you want to be M'd, that you are there if and when she decides to be your W again... YOu have to create some doubt in her mind.

My 2 cents.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is the worst.

Good luck man.

BITS
Denver

Hey Telemark... I just reread my post to you are realized that i hadn't been specific that I listed 3 OPTIONS that you have... at least as I see it.

Again, personally, I'd go with option #3.

Denver

[Telemark]

jb & AC, thanks, as always, for your thoughts and advice. I can always count on you to suggest other ways to approach this mess.

Denver, W has discussed moving out but has not brought up D. She says she is still in our home only because she can't afford her own place, although she had no problem sending the OM several hundred dollars last month (he's unemployed and is depending on my W to help him pay his bills ) . In previous R/M talks, though, we've agreed that if W moves out that is probably the end of the M. This EA has been in full bloom since February, and was exposed/admitted to in March (Monday, March 7 at 1:15 PM to be exact, but who's counting...). To my advantage, OM lives about 1700 miles away so I don't have to deal with her actually being with him.

KD, living under the same roof while all of this is happening is a nightmare. I leave the house as early as possible and come home as late as possible. It is heartbreaking to be physically "close" to my W and still know that she has no desire to R.

All, thank you for your comments and advice. I am going to ride it out as long as I can and not throw down the gauntlet just yet; I will not be the one to put the last nail in the coffin. My W has also told me she is confused and scared, and she really does not know what she wants. Those comments help me remember she is on her own bizarre journey that I have no control over.

I have been GALing as hard as I can, and it is those times I feel better about myself and my sitch. When I'm out of the house, I can cope. When I'm in the house, I should wear headphones and blinders.

[any chance?]

Hang tough, tele....

All things in good time....your sitch is temporary, and shall be resolved at some point. I understand your pain and torment, and we both feel our sitches are endless nightmares. But they will end. And we will move on. And we will be happy down the road.

Keep the faith. Work on the GAL

[Telemark]

Thanks, AC. To quote George Jetson:

"Jane! Stop this crazy thing!"