Have you read laura Munson's article "Those Aren't Fighting Words"?
It's one approach a w took with her h's MLC...
more later...
hang in there. And I'm glad the D is on hold.
Don't stop GAL... and
although I get why you don't want to date...
can you at least create some mystery with your w
so SHE fears she might lose you??
I think it's part of real GAL and I think, "gamey" as it is, it can work
(besides SHe is acting like a teenager so...hey, do what works)
take a class, go to seminars or join a club. Something involving OTHER new people...
it's important. What are your GAL?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your question about a WAW/MLC is intriguing. Not that it matters but I label my wife MLC much the same as world becasue she left everything basically for freedom, singlehood, bars. To basically abandon your kids screams me,me,me. Maybe WAW do the same and there is no love for anybody. Do WAW dispose of there family(father,mother sisters etc) as well?
Just curious. My expertise(not by my choice) is MLC and the effects that it has had on everyone around them.
Also I agree with the dating thing as well for world. Not that your looking for someone. It just helps moving on as a normal functioning person with freinds both male and female. Face it this is a distinct possibility for the future.
Thanks for jumping in on Worlds thread and sorry for the hijack.
Hang in there world you are doing great and I commend you for your interactions with your wife. Also 25 thanks for your contributions. You bring a lot of self reflection to many on this board and it is welcomed as we all proceed through this journey.
As far as GAL, I been stream fishing with buddies a bit. Dropped this activity several years ago when my workaholic tendencis really kicked into high gear. Got a fishing trip with 3 buddies planned for several days in August, so I am stoked about that.
Went out with friends wine tasting this past weekend and plan to go back for more next weekend. Met and glanced at a few women and it was fun to flirt a little! W texted me that afternoon to say I could still come by and pick up some things D13 left at her place. I texted back "can't tonight, busy, later this week?". Both daughters went to W's for dinner later and said mom was really seemed curious what I was up to. I had not told them what I was up to that afternoon.
Overall, my heart is generally not into dating. I did sign up for Match.com for a couple of weeks, got lots of hits, but later realized it was not fair to these women that are all looking for LTR's when I was clearly not. So I dropped it and decided to just focus on me and the kids. If someone does come along, I might not be opposed to casual dating though, but will have to take it play by play. There is the part where I've told the kids that mom's confused. We are still married and I tell them I love her. So dating would send them a mixed signal. I am not a doormat, I just choose to not have to seek validation for my manhood as a reaction to the current sitch.
I am the head of my own company, so time continues to be scarce. I mostly just meet friends for drinks / dinner or have them over for dinner. W's step brother is coming for BBQ tomorrow night. Going out of town to visit friends this weekend. I have a very wide support network, both here and out of state. Again, the girls are my #1 priority. My youngest - D13 really just wants to hang out in the neighborhood with friends. Says there is nothing to do at mom's farm. It is her summer, so I try to be here to police them. Can't really leave her with 13 / 14 year old boys for too long, if you know what I mean? Really, I'm OK with this. My time will come.
You are right though. I've really got to try and meet NEW people. This is a must and my new goal. Thank-you!
W's interest in spending time with family has really picked up lately. Yesterday again, after bringing D13 home from tennis, she and I sat around the backyard and had a couple of beers in the sun. I just let her talk. She seems to feel more and more safe around me without fear of a blow-up (none in 2 months). Today she is picking me up at 3 pm to go see D13's tennis match, then wants us all to go to dinner. These are all positives, but I try not to read too much into it.
Just read Munson's article. Wish I had learned this lesson early on, but it appears infidelity was not in her sitch. Boy does that really scramble everything (including my mind for a few months!). However, the theme of not actively participating in the roller coaster - very important. Even more important and missing from her article is maintainng a positive attitude.
Sorry for the long response. Just journaling and the above is more for me to sort out my thoughts than anything.
One of the simple things I've changed is that I've let my hair get much longer. W always said she preferred it that way. I may be 49, but I've got a thick head of hair, so it don't look too bad.
W has taken notice and complemented me. I am in a conservative profession, so typically I kept my hair style shorter for business reasons.
Think I will let it go just past my shoulders. Kind of a rebellious thing, and given W has the same attitude (to the extreme!), she seems to kind of dig it. Like telling the everyone I do as a want and am not concerned what you think.
Small changes can have a big impact. Updated clothing, new music on when she comes over, our home is clean and cheerful, some new household items have been bought since she left. Got to throw her off her game a bit. Let her know our life goes on.
What's the current status of your sitch with your W? Angry, neutral, or amicable? Any sucess getting positive interactions out of her?
She has filed the D papers? What now and what is the timeline for the D process?
How are you going to unravel your rental properties?
How are your kids doing, and how are you helping them deal with the situation? Is your W still distant to them?
My W would love to see the kids more, but the kids are ambivalent about seeing or staying my W. She does not push it. Think this is why she's been hanging around my house more these days. I know she misses them, but cannot seem to extricate herself from her decisions and current entaglements. Slow by easy she seems to be opening up.
Just curious about how things are going.
Otherwise, hope all is well with you and your kids this week.
One of the simple things I've changed is that I've let my hair get much longer. W always said she preferred it that way. I may be 49, but I've got a thick head of hair, so it don't look too bad.
W has taken notice and complemented me. I am in a conservative profession, so typically I kept my hair style shorter for business reasons.
Think I will let it go just past my shoulders. Kind of a rebellious thing, and given W has the same attitude (to the extreme!), she seems to kind of dig it. Like telling the everyone I do as a want and am not concerned what you think.
Small changes can have a big impact. Updated clothing, new music on when she comes over, our home is clean and cheerful, some new household items have been bought since she left. Got to throw her off her game a bit. Let her know our life goes on.
For you?
Because you like it?
Or for her?
To win her back?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I was just about to make the same comment J3B made.
Who are these changes for? And before you shoot off a quick answer....raise your right hand and repeat after me...I solemly swear...... just kidding.
One other thing I noticed in your thread MLC...
Timeline....
You listed a timeline and also implied rather posted that if she moved on...then YOU would.
IMO, that is reactive...not proactive. IMO, that is not making a choice for YOU based on YOU.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I think there is little bit of duplistic nature in all 180's. So is it for her? No, I've always worn it a little longer, now it's just even longer. Is it to effect a change in her demeanor toward me? Possibly. It's an experiment. Textbook DB'ing the way I read it.
You guys can't have your cake and eat it too. Changes made to ones self should only be made for one's self, while expousing the virtues of DB, like 180's, going dark, etc. These techniques are all manipulative behaviuors designed to extract a changed / positive response in the other person. It is because we care for the other person and seek to change our circumstances through our actions. As idiotic as the whole hair thing seems, it is but one of my efforts, no matter how small.
Eric, the timeline is a function of reality. Not set by me. I laid out the circumstances I would stand after the D vs. not standing. I will play my cards as I see fit during this whole process. I can only control my own actions, so I see my efforts as definitely proactive. However, I must prepare to be adult enough to accept possible future circumstances. As it has been said, all our sitch's have different flavors. I will choose to look at things positively either way things work out.
Eric, the timeline is a function of reality. Not set by me.
Sorry MLC I disagree....the timeline is SET by YOU and ONLY YOU.
I do agree with.....
Quote:
I will play my cards as I see fit during this whole process. I can only control my own actions, so I see my efforts as definitely proactive. However, I must prepare to be adult enough to accept possible future circumstances. As it has been said, all our sitch's have different flavors. I will choose to look at things positively either way things work out.
So what does standing mean to YOU?
Quote:
These techniques are all manipulative behaviuors designed to extract a changed / positive response in the other person.
Initally they usually are. That is...until you really start to live YOUR life for YOU. It has been my experience that at that point, you really no longer need to communicate any changes...cause they truly are for YOU.
Quote:
It is because we care for the other person and seek to change our circumstances through our actions.
Once again,initally I would agree...changes are made to seek a change in the other person or in our circumstance. That said, when one realized the mistakes they made albeit it to a spouse or in the manner in which they live thier lives AND decide that this is the person THEY want to be...well then the changes are made NOT with an EXPECTATION of the spouse returning but becuase the person wants to change for themselves.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
