The big punch - Redux

[2stepboogie]

The children take the brunt of the parents decisions.

My parents divorced after 24 yrs of M but you know what MK?

I never grew up wanting anything. They were both there for me. I love them both very much and I can't remember one sad memory as a child.

Matter of fact I would go back and be 9 all over again. I had a happy childhood even though they divorced the both took care of me and were present in my life. I never missed them.

Your D

Yourself

Everything is just not that important.

Go Skydiving

I went a few years ago and tasted my lunch twice but I would do it again in a heartbeat!!

[Redo]

Thanks 2step, LITB

It is good to know that D does not always mean that kids' lives get messed up.

I guess being a parent is one huge guilt trip
I was constantly worrying about how my lil girl will grow up. How she will handle adolescence. But now i don't. I have learnt to take things one at a time. Much more manageable.

[spellfire]

When we said GAL, we didn't necessarily mean go throw yourself our of a plane! :P

That really is taking it to a new level, literally. Let us know how it goes bud.

[Redo]

Journaling...

Okay, so yesterday's big news was that i called up FIL to figure out what i needed to do about wife's outburst when i tried to talk to daughter on Sunday. We did end up talking for while. Our discussion was civil. FIL kept telling me to 'keep my cool for a while and things will get better'. I kept wondering if that was because her family was getting on her case. But then came the other thought of 'if she decides to come back, Do i want that life back anymore?'. I thought i'll shelve that thought. No point in conjecture.

Today FIL calls up regarding some insurance issue for wife's car. He wanted me to talk to insurance company. I politely declined and suggested that wife call and talk as she knew her car better than I. Then FIL asked me if i called and talked to MIL(he asked me to talk to her yesterday). I told him i did not as i did not know what is there to talk about?. Anyway, i did call and talk to MIL back in january, hoping that i could keep an open channel with my in-laws. But they never called back. So i figured i better keep my respect and keep my distance.

Then i guess we again slipped into the D talk. FIL telling me how much he is hurting. I feel bad. I can understand that as i know even my dad is hurting. I always liked my FIL as he was hands on man. And i loved everything mechanical. I always got along fine with wife's family. I sorta adopted them as my own because i did not have any here in the US.

So along the convo, FIL asked me if i could keep my cool and ask wife again because 'i know how to talk to her'. This did get me ticked off even though i did not express anything bad to him. I again politely declined to talk to wife about the R talk.

I mean right now wife's ego is so built up that she truly believes that she is the epitome of virtue and what she did is justified. I told her several times that i understood why she did what she did and just 2 weeks back we did talk about reconciliation. But then she calls up 1 hour later and said she could never forgive me and not forget. Looks like she wants more dose of 'begging' from me.

I am really done with that phase of my life. I feel disgusted that i begged so much not just to her, but her mom, dad and sis days after she announced the D. The problem here is not that now i feel self righteous about myself. It is that, if she still wants me to request her to come back, it means that in her mind she has not done anything wrong. She will come back with the same attitude that brought us to this place.

I did tell my FIL that the day she accepts her role in this mess and tries to work it out with me for the sake of our family: That i'd be waiting as long my patience allows me to wait. That there are no guarantees.

I feel that at this point i cannot let go of that tiny amount of self respect that i have cultivated by myself. As Dennis Quaid says in the movie 'flight of the phoenix', "We are not garbage". I really let myself be treated like one.

I will try to hold out for her. I have not put myself on any of the dating sites nor look for one actively. But I am sure i'll wake up one day and say to myself 'Enough of the sh*t'. It will not matter then because I'll not turn back. I'll move on with someone else.

Most of this is venting. Just had to get it out.

[~ kd ~]

Myk, I want to touch on something here.

Culturally, is it important that in a stich like this, that you (the H) must make amends and court the offended W?

If so, how important is this to you? How important is it for you to follow cultural edict?

While I like my FIL and MIL, they are not calling me and asking me to talk to my W to work things out. Although some of the things they are doing for my W is allowing me to be upset, because it feels like they are enabling her to walk away. Helping reduce her stress. It is contrary to what I know my MIL said to my W last year, which was to "give it time to work out". And my FIL and I had joked many times in the past about how it was now MY responsibility to cater to my W as the M allowed him to pass the buck, he has taken her under his wing again... it's what dad's do...

In truth, no one is suggesting that I should be seeking out my W, whether my in-laws (and their partners, my W's siblings, etc) my own family, nor my friends. While there are many who believe that M and the vows are sacred, it appears that everyone is respecting that this is between myself and my W to work out, or not, as we so choose, jointly.

I would submit that if your inlaws or any other come to you and ask you to try to work it out or involve yourself in your W's affairs, that you indicate the following (if it is how you feel):

"While I am still open to reconciliation, I am still working things out in my own life. I have let W know that I would consider working things out, but I can not force her to work things out."

That's it. I expect that by this time, you know that you cannot control her. By saying the above, you are simply affirming to yourself that you cannot and will not attempt to control her.

So unless there is some cultural protocol that you should be following and feel is important to you, then you are doing the right thing for you and the best you can do.

[JustStunned]

MK what KD posted is so much better than the flip response about sky diving I was about to post. Weigh it carefully

[Redo]

KD, you gave me a nice thinking material. Let me see how i can answer it.

Culturally, is it important that in a stich like this, that you (the H) must make amends and court the offended W?

Culturally, no. I just to my MIL (there will be another long post on this later). What i get is that they too dont like what their daughter is doing and they think that if I court her again, she might change her mind.

I definitely dont have a problem courting my wife. I'd love to do that as a matter of fact. The problem is, just as of this saturday she just blamed all of our marriage problems on me. This tells me that she still needs to realize and accept her role in this. I have realized and accepted my role and now i know what i need to do to keep my woman happy and keep myself happy at the same time. I learnt a lot from these forums and books that i have read.

I could get hit 2x4 here, but i feel that her family did enable her to get to this point. My wife has a bad short temper and is very stubborn. Her family knows that very well. However they never point out her mistakes. She is an adult. She should be able to handle criticism. They instead give excuses. MY MIL told me that reason why wife blew up like that on sunday was because she was depressed. If thats the case, she should be seeing an IC. Hell she has her entire family of about 40 to take care of daughter.

I would submit that if your inlaws or any other come to you and ask you to try to work it out or involve yourself in your W's affairs, that you indicate the following (if it is how you feel):

"While I am still open to reconciliation, I am still working things out in my own life. I have let W know that I would consider working things out, but I can not force her to work things out."

So funny you should say this because this is exactly what i said to my MIL when she called me a while back.

I also told them that i would hold out for as long as i can. But then i would move on. That i am not going to waste my life on a person who likes to be in misery by not accepting what happened and moving on but instead keeps on re-hashing the past and not seeking help.

I told them that this is not easy for me, but i have been put in a position that i never chose. They too agreed. They too did not know what to do because apparently everytime they bring up this topic, wife is becoming hysterical and starts crying. She's depressed. She needs help.

[Redo]

JS: Hey wait up till saturday when i post my skydiving experience. Lets just hope that the chute opens

[~ kd ~]

Cool enough, Myk.

So of course you know the standard response here is, what are you doing for yourself, etc, etc... And you are GALing and that is great.

Here's the thing and is written of often. Gotta love the "helpful and well meaning family and friends"... NOT... that can also be read as "meddling".

I am sad to see that you are still caught up in the roller coaster (drama). Both indirectly and directly (by way of FIL and MIL).

When are you going to get off? And I mean that with complete sincerity and caring for you.

I am not suggesting you go dark with MIL and FIL.

I am suggesting finding ways to check your emotions at the door and not read into anything they are saying. Accept it as well meaning information and then... drop it...

It's the 7 step rule... I recently heard this said of Tiger Woods...

Why is TW such a great golf player? Is it because he practices more than anyone? He does not. Is it because he is more accurate than anyone else? He is not.

He attributes it to his 7 step rule.

When he makes a bad shot, he allows himself 7 steps of being upset and analyzing what went wrong before he lets it go and gets focused on his next shot.

When he makes a great shot, he allows himself 7 steps of being elated, before he lets it go and gets focused on his next shot.

I am sure that you will let me know that you are simply posting observations and venting. I've said the same and believed the same. And I believe that is true...

still...

How is the information you are getting helping you? If you need to vent, it means that you are still attached to the drama... still riding the roller coaster.

More fact, less drama...

"Talked to FIL today. He said he was hurting."

"Talked to MIL yesterday. She said W was acting like a child."

Simple information and statement of fact.

Rather, I see a lot of emotional investment from you in your journaling. It appears to me that you may need to look at detaching further.

Does that make sense?

[Redo]

Just feel bad for my IL. It is hard to see your daughter suffer like this and harder to see a grandchild grow up in a broken family.

I am getting philosophical here, but why do some people find it so hard to try to forget the bad stuff that happened in the past and look forward to the future.

Initially i thought it was a problem with my wife. But now i feel it could be a problem with me? Maybe i am not being in her shoes correctly to see all the suffering she experienced due to my behavior. And i guess maybe it is own selfishness that i want her back. If that is the case, I just have to let her go. Maybe she will be truly happy without me.

I dunno. All this is hurting my head