Hej! I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it can be tough. I was left once, though now I’m the one who is doing the leaving.
The cold rejection certainly is painful, and there are two things I know about it.
First, is that even if your WAW doesn’t show it, this is probably very heart wrenching for her and cold rejection is one way for her to cope. That means that you shouldn’t take it personally. How she acts toward you isn’t about you, it’s about what she needs to do to leave you. If you love her, you’ll understand that she’s doing something very hard (leaving) and has very good reasons that you may not be able to understand. Her very good reasons may not even be entirely true or rational or they might be, but they are hers and you have to respect that. If you argue with her, she will only fight harder to get away. If you try to understand (even the incomprehensible) you’ve got a chance at remaining her friend.
The second thing I know is that you can survive it. Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, get a copy. In the meantime, you should practice GAL (getting a life). That means putting your energy into taking care of yourself and your family, going out with friends, practicing or taking up hobbies. These are things that you should be doing for yourself no matter what the state of your marriage, but tend to slip over time and go flying out the window after one spouse walks away. Getting a life does two things for you: 1) it distracts you from the pointless abyss of pondering about your relationship with your wife and 2) it shows your wife that you’re still the cool person that she married. It seems odd that she wants to officially call it quits between the two of you, now, but wants to wait two years to move on it. On the other hand, if you want to work things out that gives you two years to bust your divorce. You can start with what she said.
What did she mean by you were a project? What was it she was trying to fix? Is it something you can or want to fix about yourself?
It also seems as though you’re saying she doesn’t want the responsibility of being the fixer of a fixer-upper house. Is the work at a standstill? Is it always something that has to be dealt with? Could you help her more with the house? Could you hire a contractor to help? Can you sell the house and change the situation? As the victim of an extended renovation, I know it can be very depressing when it goes on for years and seems never ending. One starts to wonder if one’s life is just going to be one long tedious project, and it’s not hard to imagine seeking an escape route.
Finally what’s this about you not being assertive? How much justification is there behind what she says? And who the heck does she think she is sitting in judgment on your assertiveness? If she thinks you lack assertiveness now, chances are she’s always thought that and at some point thought it was charming. I’ve found that a person’s strongest traits are usually both attractive and annoying. In relationships, it seems that it’s the responsibility of one person to endure the annoying behavior in order to reap the benefits of those occasions when it’s useful, and it is the other person’s responsibility to temper the behavior so that it’s not annoying all of the time. Likely your lack of assertiveness impacts her in some concrete way that you can tackle, even if this isn’t something you can fundamentally change about yourself. For instance, if she’s always the one who has to call the plumber and negotiate terms, then maybe you can steal yourself for an occasional round with the plumber, just so that she doesn’t have to do it. Or if she asks what you want for dinner, make a suggestion rather than saying, “Whatever is fine with me.”
That’s just a little food for thought. I am curious, though… why would you leave the country?
