What to do next

[JustStunned]

Journaling: No contact with W since May 23.

I was to have received a draft proposal from my L on Monday. I have sent an email to his office inquiring about its status.

I have set up reservations to RV camp at Gettysburg for me and our daughter; we’ll take the dog also. It should be a good time.

Today our daughter posted this to FB. It is directed to W. The impulse is to charge in and fix, but there is nothing for me to do but hunker down, turtle up and wait for the dust to clear.

When you've screwed up to the point I'm no longer taking your calls or texts the next logical step isn't to be waiting by my car when I get off work. Afterward you don't continue to text me. I love you and once all the dust has settled I may be able to forgive you. That day isn't today, so stop making me feel like I'm being stalked.

Life was so much simpler when I was a Sergeant!

[JustStunned]

Journaling, Venting, I’ve been off the boards for about a week. I’ve been trying to be too busy to think about all this. For the most part it was working. There has been a melancholy building for the last few days and it came in and slammed me today.

I am angry again at W for deserting us, just when there was light at the end of the tunnel. I understand she didn’t see it that way, I get it, but that does not make what she did right. Granted it was tough, but there are people in this world and on this board that would have traded places with either of us in a fracking heartbeat. She ran away from a good life that was about to get better.

About two hours ago while I was at the top of a ladder painting a gable end I received a text message. It was from W. I read it. After much thought I don’t think she meant to send it to me, I think she was attempting to post a status to FB.

I am so GD tired of hearing about how miserable she was, how wonderful her fracking life is since leaving me. I want to reply and tell her to get over it already; we all get it, you ran the F away 6 F’ing months ago.

I will not respond. I will not permit evidence of this effecting me beyond this post. I will wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will write W another letter expressing my feelings. A letter that will never be sent. A letter I will burn. A letter I may write and destroy several times.

I will continue. I will persevere.

[Telemark]

"She ran away from a good life that was about to get better."

No s**t...I feel the same way. My W and I had some serious bumps and bruises along the way, but nothing that called for throwing in the towel, especially since life was improving for both of us.

You seem to be handling things, JS. Good for you and for your D and S. They see you holding it together.

I, too, have The Letter That Shall Never be Sent. The draft is on my computer; I have rewritten it dozens of times. It is cathartic.

[JustStunned]

Thanks Telemark, ski much?

Journaling: The rollercoaster continues though as I come to the end of this ride the hills and valleys have smoothed out. I’ve had more up days than down lately but today is starting out as a down day. Life and relationships are cyclic so I am hoping this day bottoms out soon.

It is part of this melancholy, but I can’t help thinking about the old question if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does it make a noise? I know it does, but from my point of view why does it matter?

Six months in and I am still analyzing still evaluating, still finding behaviors I wish to change. I’ve made several changes and backslid also. I believe I have caught all of the backslides. For example I used to impugn the intelligence and parentage of other drivers. I find myself driving with more patience and courtesy now.

A distant relative “J” used to exhibit quite a bit of road rage. STBXW and I used to refer to my outbursts as channeling J. It bothered her and making this statement was a humorous way of expressing her tension. I wish she had been a little more assertive expressing her concerns. I wish she had felt comfortable enough with my reaction to assert herself. It is an indictment of how dominant my personality had become in our relationship that she was not.

It is no ones fault, it just was. It is in the past. It cannot be undone. There is another old statement that comes to mind about wishing in one hand and….

So I am not channeling J any longer. Being in control of my anger and demeanor has become a mission. I was disappointed in myself when I realized how much and often these outbursts would occur. I broke bearing, and this is not in keeping with the finest traditions.

Control is not enough, but control is what I am managing now. Do not let best get in the way of better. Real change occurs more often in steps than in jumps. I know self control is only a step on the path.

It matters to me, but how real is it. Lately no one is close enough to see it. Lately no one is in the woods to hear the noise. Someday maybe; until then I practice and change.

My melancholy is passing. I lead a team meeting Wednesday mornings. The act of putting on a happy confident face, being involved, leading helps to mollify the sadness. Change the scene, do something different, think about something else, act as if.

[Redo]

Do not let best get in the way of better

Definitely a fine adage JS. As you said, as time goes by the emotional bumps will smooth out.

You know as the saying goes, after darkness will always come sunrise. So it will in your life too.

Keep the good work going.

[Telemark]

"Thanks Telemark, ski much?"

Used to; lived in Killington, VT in the mid-1970s with the displaced hippies. Sure miss those carefree days. But I haven't skied in years. "Telemark" refers to my passion for the Fender Telecaster & my first name - Mark.

My anger and control issues also helped lead to the demise of my M, and my W kept her feelings about that bottled up for years. Now it is a conscious decision to not be that person anymore. Some days are easier than others.

[BeingMe]

It matters to me, but how real is it. Lately no one is close enough to see it. Lately no one is in the woods to hear the noise. Someday maybe; until then I practice and change.

But, you know, JS. Does it not feel good to have control of yourself? I know that I am much happier being in control of my anger. I cannot remember when last I had an anger rage ... years. But, I still think about it, and feel embarrassed at my behaviour. I learn from the past, live in the present, and hope in the future for better things to come, whatever it may be.

Others will notice the changes you are making. Being a more centred human being attracts people.

Take care.

[JustStunned]

Thanks MyKarma, Telemark and BeingMe, I appreciate the words of encouragement. You are right. Thanks you for validating.

Journaling: I guess it is obvious I now have internet access from home again. Yea. I don’t really have much to journal about and the dog wants to play. It is tough to ignore 220 lbs of Mastiff.

For the last month weather permitting I have been painting the exterior of the house on nights and weekends. I am taking tomorrow off work to push the job through to finish. Sandi posted something on 9s thread that validated for me some of the changes I will make here if I can keep this place. For now getting a maintenance coat of stain on the outside is cathartic sort of like plowing a farm field.

DelinquentGirl posted about her anniversary. Mine is due in August and I wasted some energy wondering how I’ll react to it and other holidays. I’ve gotten through other anniversaries associated with tragedies so I’ll get through these. The first couple of years are the hardest unless something triggers a memory.

Soon I will have to start a new thread. I’ve decided to remove this from my signature

Running away is easy and does not promote much self improvement

It is an indictment of STBXW. It is an expression of anger aimed at her. It is a negative. It is dragging me down. It is gone.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi JS-

Just popping in to say hi and let you know I'm thinking about you.

A 225 lb Mastiff? I absolutely love that breed. They are beautiful.

[JustStunned]

Thanks for checking in DG. He’s only 2and a half so he still thinks like a puppy sometimes. He is Brindle Apricot, quite striking. He looks a little bit like a tiger at first glance. Massive, laid back, and loyal they’re known as gentle giants. Wonderful dogs if one can get past drool.

Journaling: Still more painting to do, I expect to finish weather permitting over July 4th. I have to figure a safe way to finish the chimney. Three of the four sides are complete. The roof pitch under the fourth side is too steep to safely stand on. I guess this will be my reason for finally getting that rappelling gear. I could just tie a bowline and use a rope, but the harness, carbineers, and figure eight would be safer. Besides I’ll have another use for them next year.

One of my SILs commented STBXW seems to be stuck in the angry I’ve been wronged, I’ve been hurt, I’ve been abused, help me, me, me stage, while I have moved on and seem to be doing well.

It is not all a façade. In many ways I have. I’d rather be doing something else, but I’ll play this hand for now and see what the next one looks like. There is a certain amount of peace that acceptance brings. I certainly have more me work to do, and doubtless chaos will ensue again.

Looking back many of her demands, accusations and outright lies were designed to hurt and keep me off balance. I understand she was actually told to tone it down by her support group.

I started reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It is too soon to know if it will help me to move further. It is speaking to me.

I’ve decided to have my own MLC when this is all over, budget permitting of course. It is all a matter of planning. Greenhorn on a crab boat, what to do with the dog?, IRT yeehaw, or maybe Sturgis.

Realistically, I’ll probably visit the kids and camp a bit next year if mom’s health holds up. Our son will be back from Afghanistan and there will be the new grandchild. A trip to DC to play tourist would be nice. IDK, but I have to look ahead and find some fun.