The big punch - Redux

[Redo]

Journaling...

Okay, so yesterday's big news was that i called up FIL to figure out what i needed to do about wife's outburst when i tried to talk to daughter on Sunday. We did end up talking for while. Our discussion was civil. FIL kept telling me to 'keep my cool for a while and things will get better'. I kept wondering if that was because her family was getting on her case. But then came the other thought of 'if she decides to come back, Do i want that life back anymore?'. I thought i'll shelve that thought. No point in conjecture.

Today FIL calls up regarding some insurance issue for wife's car. He wanted me to talk to insurance company. I politely declined and suggested that wife call and talk as she knew her car better than I. Then FIL asked me if i called and talked to MIL(he asked me to talk to her yesterday). I told him i did not as i did not know what is there to talk about?. Anyway, i did call and talk to MIL back in january, hoping that i could keep an open channel with my in-laws. But they never called back. So i figured i better keep my respect and keep my distance.

Then i guess we again slipped into the D talk. FIL telling me how much he is hurting. I feel bad. I can understand that as i know even my dad is hurting. I always liked my FIL as he was hands on man. And i loved everything mechanical. I always got along fine with wife's family. I sorta adopted them as my own because i did not have any here in the US.

So along the convo, FIL asked me if i could keep my cool and ask wife again because 'i know how to talk to her'. This did get me ticked off even though i did not express anything bad to him. I again politely declined to talk to wife about the R talk.

I mean right now wife's ego is so built up that she truly believes that she is the epitome of virtue and what she did is justified. I told her several times that i understood why she did what she did and just 2 weeks back we did talk about reconciliation. But then she calls up 1 hour later and said she could never forgive me and not forget. Looks like she wants more dose of 'begging' from me.

I am really done with that phase of my life. I feel disgusted that i begged so much not just to her, but her mom, dad and sis days after she announced the D. The problem here is not that now i feel self righteous about myself. It is that, if she still wants me to request her to come back, it means that in her mind she has not done anything wrong. She will come back with the same attitude that brought us to this place.

I did tell my FIL that the day she accepts her role in this mess and tries to work it out with me for the sake of our family: That i'd be waiting as long my patience allows me to wait. That there are no guarantees.

I feel that at this point i cannot let go of that tiny amount of self respect that i have cultivated by myself. As Dennis Quaid says in the movie 'flight of the phoenix', "We are not garbage". I really let myself be treated like one.

I will try to hold out for her. I have not put myself on any of the dating sites nor look for one actively. But I am sure i'll wake up one day and say to myself 'Enough of the sh*t'. It will not matter then because I'll not turn back. I'll move on with someone else.

Most of this is venting. Just had to get it out.