It has been several months since I posted but I need some help ASAP. Here is our story since I don't know how to post old threads.
I found out in November my husband was having an online EA with a women several states away. Once I discoved it he fell apart and stated he had been unhappy for months and did not know if he wanted to stay married. I begged pleaded etc all the wrong things. At the time he promised to end the EA. Things through the holidays improved but his drinking increased. In January I learned the ea had turned into a PA. I confronted him and he denied everything....he finally confessed when I showed him the evidence I had. Again he said he would stop wanted to try to make it work. However over the next few months feb-april he removed his wedding ring and moved into the spare bedroom. In April-May I started receiving email from the ow "friends" informing me of their affair and emailing pics of them. I discovered he had created a fake facebook page and was texting/emailing the ow constantly. I again confronted him and stated that while I wanted to save our marriage I would not continue to if he maintained contact with her. He agreed but "moved out" two days later only to return after 3 days. He was here everyday so it was like he never left. He stated when he returned that he wanted to save our marriage and would stop all contact with ow. This lasted about 2 weeks and I again discovered text messages confronted him and told him to leave. He stated he would end it and apologized. He again decided after a few days to move out per his IC recommendations to sort everything out. Again he returned after only 3 days. This time I put my foot down and said I was done. He said all the right things and recommend we attend MC. It has been about 3 weeks and we have been to MC 1 time with another session for tommorrow. He was so attentavie at first showing definate change but the last several days he has been withdrawing again stating he is not happy, is it worth it, would we be happier apart etc. I am beyond upset and feel so jerked around. I thought we were piecing but now I don't know. I know he cares deeply for the ow and I so angry about that! I have been busting my but doing 180's being supportive I just don't know what to do at this point.
I realize that detaching is extremely difficult, however the sooner you detach, the better off you will be.
It was difficult for me to detach. It took me to see that there isn't anything I can do to save my W from herself. As a matter of fact, it wasn't until yesterday's craziness that I realized that I can't do anything to protect. We have to allow them to take their journey and deal with the consequences of their decisions/actions on their own.
You can't fix him or try to explain to him what he is doing is wrong. He feels justified in what he is doing and his mind is in a fog.
Put your focus completely on you, because that's all you can control. Of course shield your kids as best of you can from the craziness.
What are your 180s? Are they true 180s that will stick or are they 180s to get your H back? Are you GAL?
I hope this helps.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
This is what I last posted to you, back in mid-March. You never replied. Did this ever get done?
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Rileybug,
Would your husband agree to send a no-contact letter to the OW, asking her to respect his wish to be left alone (zero contact with her, ever again, period) so that he can work on his marriage?
Unless and until he agrees to FULL no-contact with her, it's going to be near-impossible for you to work on your marriage, when there's a third person in it whupping up your husband's hormones.
Starsky
He sounds like he's weak and addicted, and unable to end his affair. Without full no-contact, and full transparency, you're going to continue to see the same kinds of fits and starts -- and deceit -- that you've experienced so far.
It helps not feeling so alone and crazy. He is not contacting her now but for how long I have no idea. This women is truly in love with my husband and has pictures all over her facebook wall of the two of them. She has done some crazy things but he is so blind to it all. He swears he has not cotacted her since moving home 3 weeks ago. We have rented out our second home last night so he can't just up and move out and he still talks about our future. I am just so sick with waitig for the shoe to drop and him freak out again. I need to GAL!! I feel like I am just sitting around caring for the kids unitl he gets home so I can put on my happy face and show him what a wonderful life we have....I feel very pathetic.
My 180's have been to no longer flip out and yell at him when I am frustrated, no name calling, showing interest in things he enjoys, being more supportive of his second business. Tying to be more upbeat. These were all complaints of his. He walks on water in the ow eyes, she is a great ego boast for him.
I am trying hard not to bring up my doubts with him about our relationship. I feel like a cheerleader when he say's things like "I'm sad, I'm depressed, I don't know what the future holds for us" how should I respond? I do my best to avoid him when he is like this so I don't get pulled into r talks.
You didn't answer my question, and I'd submit to you that your "fuzziness" on this (boundaries, no-contact, transparency, etc.) is where you keep going wrong when letting him back in so easily.
He did agree to no contact. He unlocked his iphone and facebook accounts and has stated he was not going to contact her any longer. He did not show me his email to her but state he told her he had to work on his marriage and could not speak with her. I did see a message she sent saying "I know we can't talk but I can't do this I can't live without you" So I know he did tell her he needed to stop speaking with her. He did not respond to it. My question is how to I believe him? He gets angry if I do question him and it sends us back 10 steps. Do I just take his word for now and drop it and try to move on and trust him at his word. I have stated I will not tolerate any contact and our therapist went over the same thing in our last session.
My question is how to I believe him? He gets angry if I do question him and it sends us back 10 steps. Do I just take his word for now and drop it and try to move on and trust him at his word. I have stated I will not tolerate any contact and our therapist went over the same thing in our last session.
You don't. I lost count from your post, but I think he is a five or six-time habitual liar and cheater. It's up to HIM to rebuild trust, not up to YOU to trust him.
My recommendation would be to separate from him, and let him demonstrate to YOU -- over a period of time (six months would be a good ballpark) -- that he can date you, exclusively, and get his life together.
You need to treat him like an addict (affairs are HIGHLY addictive). If someone was an alcoholic, and had fallen off the wagon five or six times, and was pleading with you "But this time is different!" . . . what would you do? Wouldn't you lovingly say "I still love you, but I love MYSELF too much to allow myself to be subjected to this pain again. Get help, and stay sober for six months, and we can talk again about you possibly moving back in. Let's date each other -- EXCLUSIVELY -- during that time, and see where things go."
He did agree to no contact. He unlocked his iphone and facebook accounts and has stated he was not going to contact her any longer. He did not show me his email to her but state he told her he had to work on his marriage and could not speak with her. I did see a message she sent saying "I know we can't talk but I can't do this I can't live without you" So I know he did tell her he needed to stop speaking with her. He did not respond to it.
There's part of your problem, right there. A no-contact letter should be proofread - -and delivered/mailed -- by YOU, the betrayed spouse, so that nothing can be added or deleted or otherwise "softened" by him after he shows it to you. PHone numbers and e-mail addresses have to be changed.
He never broke contact, and he kept getting sucked back in, it would appear.
He gets angry if I do question him and it sends us back 10 steps. . . .
Rileybug, I'm going to tell you something that if you learn ONE THING through this, learn this:
You no longer concern yourself with "How will he react? Will he be angry? How will his reaction make ME feel?"
Instead, replace it with: "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right here in front of me?"
When you do The Right Thing, you do not care one whit how the other person responds. You don't SET OUT to be a b*tch, or make him angry intentionally, but how he reacts to The Right Thing to Do is HIS problem, not YOURS.
Do you see the difference? It's extremely powerful. When you can courageously do The Right Thing, and then calmly stand in the face of his blowback and say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I did what I thought was best" . . . then you will truly be liberated and equipped to move forward.
I would like to follow up or add some back ground to what Starsky is telling you to DO, which I completely agree with.....
This is really where the rubber meets the road BTW.
The feeling or the place you need to arrive at is a place of happiness and contentment with YOUR life......as an individual.
This is usually a long process and it usually takes marital problems, especially an affair to blow the "blinders" off our eyes to realize that we have totally lost OURSELVES in our marriages.......
so much so that when the marriage is threatened it is as though someone is stealing the very air we are breathing.......
I gotta have air (the marriage) to survive so I am going to do whatever I can to save the air (the marriage) so I can breathe (survive and be happy).
It took most of us 10 years plus to get to this point where we are soooooo very dependent on our marriages for everything that we forget how to take care of ourselves as individuals.
SOOOOOOO
It is going to take awhile to shake that "DEPENDENCY".
Guess what????
The WAS is also still "DEPENDENT" on the M also.....that is why they keep coming back or they try to keep us hanging on the line while they figure their sh!t out.....they are sooooo confused.
When you as an individual figure out that you actually don't need your marriage or your spouse to flourish, be successfull, be a great parent, make a lot of money, be beautiful, be lovable, and most important BE HAPPY (which is a culmination of all those things) then you are actually in a position to be a great "partner" in a healthy marriage.
Now........lets assume you are there already.
and for the record you are not there and this is how I know VVVVVVV.
Originally Posted By: Rileybug
I am trying hard not to bring up my doubts with him about our relationship.
Okay back to the discussion.....we are assuming you are in that happy blissful place, you know that place we are all trying to get to when we GAL !!!!
When you are there then it is soooooooo much easier to do and say the things that Starsky is telling you to do.......
in fact it is soooooo easy that it will actually come to you naturally.
This is the "Fake it until you make it part", you do what needs to be done even though you are not neccessarily prepared for the outbursts you will get from your wayward spouse.
In a way you are taking away the Marriage from them just as they were taking the marriage away from you in the form of an affair.
Make sense??????
You are now "acting" like an adult who would not put up with ridiculous, child like behavior.......you are making your adult spouse make a choice.......
either start acting like an adult or I am not going to be here to entertain your imature behavior.
Now a word of caution, many of us LBS suffer from the "anger" of being betrayed and do these actions from a place of anger, resentment and superiority..........this is a trap that many fall into........
This is the internal work that is required to dispense with these feelings so that we may lovingly be firm with our wayward spouses.
Sounds easy and as I type these words I know I am completely oversimplifing a process that took me over a year myself and something I still to this day have to watch out for, even in divorce.
MWD says in DR.......This stuff is not easy......
It is the hardest thing you will ever do.
AND
IT TAKES TIME..............(How do I get that into 72 point font???]
cannot emphasize the TIME factor enough......for everyone.
There needs to be time for you
for your husband
for your marriage
but in time all this will become crystal clear.
hindsight is 20/20
hope this helps
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
