I really appreciate the bluntness of some of the posters here. It's a really tough time and I have a burden that is being hard for me to lay down. I'm trying to decide if the best thing here is to limit communication even more or to just go dark. Right now she has pretty well got everything. She's happy with all her freedom and she still has me here to help her out when she starts getting down. In some ways by being here for her I'm probably adding more fuel for the divorce. My wife has been my best friend for the past several years and not really having any other friends makes this all that much harder. I know that when someone stops talking to her she usually starts missing that person at a random time. So far there hasn't been a day that has gone by that we haven't talked even though most of the times it has just been a couple sentences said to each other and every couple of days her and my BIL come over to shower. That part might be corrected this week though if they get to stay where they are. They plan to have the gas turned back on then. I realize not supposed to believe a lot of what I hear but still it's hard not too think especially when she says she plans to file next month.
I need to badly get a life as well. Which I'm finding is hard to do when even at my busiest times I'm still thinking about her. My life seems to just be standing still and that isn't living. The feeling of being helpless in a situation isn't one I'm having an easy time coping with.
On an up note I got another job interview this afternoon. Not sure it's going to pan out though. I believe they said it's for a second shift job and that's a hard shift for me to do. I need to keep my afternoon's available. My family is really struggling at this point in time on a financial and emotional level. I need to go see my dad in the hospital again today too. We really don't expect him to be around much longer..
It is difficult to feel like you've lost your best friend.
But, if your W has done all this to you is she really being your friend right now?
I understand the desire to keep the road back paved and downhill, and I respect that, but I think it shouldn't come at the expense of your self-respect. So, keep it smooth, but only in ways that you will be proud of down the road.
I know that, for me, I find that I struggle with being assertive w/o feeling like I'm being a jerk or being punitive, but if you don't respect yourself and act as if you expect it from others, I don't know how happy you are going to be whether or not your W returns.
The other half of this formula is to be respectful of your W and her needs but recognize that right now, your relationship isn't the same as being married and living together.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Someone can provide a process for you. A step by step program on how to detach... thing is... it ain't gonna help you any...
It is not easy. Some use the "act as if" method. IOW, you are single. Now that you have a clean, empty page of your new life, how would you live it?
Other's might use the denial method... "I don't love my partner, I don't love my partner, I don't love my partner..."
There are a million ways to leave your lover...
What ever method you use, it will take time and it will take effort.
As you practice detachment, the faster you catch yourself in pity or longing for your W, your past life, your M... and the faster you can course correct... the closer you will be to detaching.
And GAL plays a huge part. Distracting yourself by doing things that are positive in your life and done specifically and entirely for you to become more the person you want to be, will go a long way to helping you.
And always, good luck! You deserve to be the best person you can be!
If you want to investigate detachment and get some ideas on how, Left_In_The_Bay posted the following article about detachment in another thread, recently:
It is not easy. Some use the "act as if" method. IOW, you are single. Now that you have a clean, empty page of your new life, how would you live it?
I didn't get out of house a whole lot before me and my wife started dating. Trying to find stuff around the house to do now and looking for a job to boot. yay me...
I'm curious why you did not get out a whole lot before... and if that's the case... how did you meet your W? What was the eventual "spark" that got you two together?
And regardless of that, I understand that you are feeling pain and not wanting to go out much. I also understand that as you have no job (or you don't have a good or well paying job, since you are looking for one), you likely contribute money to be a factor in getting out...
Both... are reasons...
There are a million ways to GAL... Many of those require no money... they do require effort... they do require letting go of your reasons...
Take a walk, go for a bike ride, when you go to the store (because I don't think your groceries are delivered to you), take some extra time to do things close to where your store is.
It's not whether you have the opportunity...
it's whether you are prepared to MAKE the opportunity...
I'm a pretty shy person overall. I moved to this state a month before my wife did and she ended up working as a temp at the same job I did. She actually seen me and liked all my tattoos and requested a transfer to my area and we just got to talking from there. We were just friends for about 6 months before we started dating. The rest is history as they say.
I don't have a job I got laid off just a few days before my wife left me. So about two weeks ago. Got stuck with all the bills so money is really really tight at the moment.
I got for walks with my dogs and jog at the park but still no matter how busy I am my mind still just focuses on what's going on now and wanting to prevent this divorce from happening.
