Its my life

[GAL Man]

Firstly, Kaffe, thanks for your feedback, much appreciated, thought I had become invisible for a while then LOL

Hey GM. You sound otherwise well.

Nothing much about the convo you had with your W. An overall sense that you did well. Could you have done better? Sure. Could you have done worse? Absolutely! So use that as a benchmark for future convo and do better on those.

Vague comment from me? Yes. Point is it was your experience and for you to decide what could have been better. Make sense?

Yep, all a learning experience for me. Using the phrase I can do lots to make things worse, and not a lot (or nothing) to make it better

Regarding how you used to feel that you would get back with your W if you both acknowledged your contribution for where you are at and both worked towards making things better, there are a couple things to remember.

The LBS may never have the WAS admit and acknowledge their contribution to the sitch. Not good or bad, right or wrong. Just the way it could be.

While it would be nice, even considered to be a perfect condition, the LBS wanting or expecting admission from the WAS is a black / white condition. A possible deal breaker. And it is self serving.

We discuss how validating our S feelings (not their actions) is positive and appropriate. In being here and the reason and purpose for DBing is for us, that we are doing the work, does not mean that our S is doing the work or will ever do the work.

Your feelings of not being sure you want your W back could be because your W is not validating your feelings. You do not see her doing the work and you've placed a condition of her doing the work as a reason to consider getting back with her.

Or... it could be a condition of further detachment.

Only you know the answer to that.

Bit of both I suppose.

I have acknowledged my share of the blame so to speak, owned and dealt with it, and I know what effort would be required from me moving forward. If W is not willing to do this for her “share” however, I don’t want to get back with her as to me that would show lack of effort to make US work and acknowledge her contributions to the failure of our R.

I neither want my W back, nor do I want a D. If my W came to me today, a month from now, or a year from now, after we are D, I would consider if she is someone I would want to be with. Not because of the past. Not because of what had or had not been done, said, etc.

I would get back with my W for the same reason I married her in the first place. It would be because I love her and want to make a future with her. What I would know for certain, the only thing I would know for certain, is that I had owned my past short comings, not just in my prior M, but in prior life choices and Rs and that I have learned, grown and become a better man because of it.

Excellent way to put it, will bear in mind, fab

Love is a choice. Right now, your choice is not to be attracted to your W. Figure out why you feel "bad" about it and "fix" it...

Oh, let me be more clear about "fix"ing it... Fix feeling bad. IOW, you don't have to love your W or be attracted to her. Fix in you the feeling of bad about yourself and change it into a feeling good about yourself. Feel good about who you are, your worth.

I feel good about me, but I don’t know, I suppose I think I "should" find my W attractive and want to be with her as she is my W, that make sense? But I just thought she looked a mess…. Actually thinking about it I suppose I felt sorry for her, that’s why I felt bad. Well shouldn’t do as this was not a choice I made, I need to carry on my journey.

Thanks Again