Preparing For Big D & STILL Here

[25yearsmlc]

Today I feel more detached than ever and actually want to be. I've been thinking about the reality before this all started again 2 almost 2 years ago. I wasn't happy at all. I was an angry man hiding from the truth. I said I would post our texversation from today. Now I seek different advice from before. Not on how to save my marriage, but how to protect my interests as we approach divorce proceedings.

You're joking, right? I mean this CONFESSION is over wrought, self indulgent and probably assuaged your guilt FAR more than it "helped" your children at all....and as for the legal matters, this was foolish and does nothing to protect you at all. It's incriminating. Period.


M: I told the kids what I did to you. Real healing starts with brutal honesty and genuine forgiveness.

Who says? And who says they "need to know ALL the details"? If you are so sure "they knew" already, then you needed to say nothing detailed...

12 step programs say to make amends UNLESS IT WOULD HARM SOMEONE, which is why you don't necessarily go tell your w about a one night stand 20 years ago that meant nothing to you BUT eases your guilt by dumping on her...In my opinion Be, this was a dump by you.


I refuse to leave a legacy of pain for our children and grandchildren. I have wallowed in hurt and anger for too long. I have promised myself I will stand up and lead my family through it's dark days.

You just shoved their faces in it. Wow, I don't get your goal here at all. I mean your real goal, since it's apparent you either don't know your real goal

or it doesn't match up with this behavior OR you are in major denial...

or I don't know what...


STBX: Wow. Don't you think I have some say in conversations about me. Don't you think I have a right to know what my kids know.


She is correct here, absolutely. This was NOT a solo conversation for you to ease YOUR guilt by sharing things with her that might humiliate HER,
AND

besides, even if they knew as you claim (which casts major doubts on the value of this "disclosure" anyhow)

I say that you violated her right to privacy. If my h had an affair or raped me or got drunk and hit me

I would want to shield the kids from that OR at least be the one to tell them.

If I am a victim,

LET ME BE THE ONE WHO DECIDES TO SHARE...[u]you are not the aggrieved party, SHE IS...so[/u]

THIS IS ANOTHER VIOLATION OF HER BOUNDARIES BY YOU...don't you see that?


M: They both already knew.

So you keep saying.

But having it said out loud, by a parent makes it in their face and confirms the details they likely avoided "knowing".


STBX: They knew something bad happened. D19 overheard something. I hate that you dump that s-it on the. This is why S17 doesn't want to live there. Too much stress and too many conversations.

M: There was no dumping. Again, they knew already. It's about being honest, showing true remorse and asking for forgiveness.

I don't agree that it was about that^^^...sorry but I don't buy it.

She's probably right about the "too many conversations" which means YOU talk too much

and you do what YOU think will make YOU feel better under the guise of honesty.

It's inappropriate intimacy. There ARE things kids do not need to know.

STBX: Because it's all about you. My children are not the ones who need to be asked forgiveness for what you did to me.


She's right again, and as you have the opportunity here to show her that YOU get it

you blow it again and you argue with her.

You don't validate her feelings.

Remember, SHE is the aggrieved party. NOT YOU, and not, directly, the kids.


Why not apologize to HER and let HER tell them you apologized for the "event"?
well Why not?

Oh, b/c YOU wanted to tell them...

to me that smacks of self indulgent behavior I cannot quite fathom.

M: I need to ask their forgiveness for what it did to them though. I don't know that you could ever forgive me or that I will ever forgive myself. The greatest gift you could ever give me is forgiveness for that, but that is not something I can put on my agenda. That can only happen when you are ready.

Oh....So why bother asking??

What a cop out. And another blown opportunity...

STBX: I can not forgive you. Because you rape me over and over with your actions. With your inability to let me go.

M: That is the greatest gift I can give you - your freedom.

Then get off the phone and stop sharing things about HER that SHE does NOT want shared...

I know that. If I really love you like I say I do, then loving you would be letting you go. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I can find the strength to do it.

STBX: Buy me out of the house. And let me be.

M: Do you have a date you need the money by?

M: I think it's good that I talked to the kids about it, because now they don't have to keep it inside.

Why on earth do you keep talking about this nightmare?

OMG...as if they needed it out in the open.

IMO you were way out of line telling them without discussing it with her and getting HER permission first. It's very telling you didn't discuss it with her. To me, it's disrespectful and just about the opposite of all that you claim to feel.


They are the innocent victims of all our mistakes.


"OUR MISTAKES"...what?? You raped her?

That's not a "mistake", it's a crime, and it's not "ours," it's YOURS...


If we had simply honored our marriage vows, their life would be a beautiful one. I can't change the past, but we can all have a better future with no secrets....

Vague and unhelpful...why are you still on the phone with all this justification and pursuit? It sounds preachy...

STBX: I have always done that and always will.

M: Somehow you and I should put aside our anger, hurt and distrust.

You really MUST just focus on your own work and not make it a joint venture.

You are in no position to talk about what SHE has to do...seriously...

What little contact we have from now on, just can't be negative---
I want our kids to be able to know how strong our love and bond once was and how special something like that is. So that they never make the mistakes we did. The best way to show them now is to exit gracefully.

STBX: I have tried very hard to do just that. I don't talk about you to our kids. And I tell them we just grew apart. They don't need details. It's not fair to them.

Correct on this...she's 100% correct ^^^^

(Truth? she doesn't want them to know of her 9 year affair with OM/Boss - and really either do i)

OH, now I get it....SO REALLY,

THIS IS ABOUT HER SINS?

YOU WANT HER TO "CONFESS" TOO??
good grief...

talk about your "real remorse" and forgiveness....I see something else.


M: But, we didn't really just grow apart -

Amen...^^^

or we couldn't have been so close in the months after separation. (when we dated, went on 2 vacations together etc)--- I certainly don't think we just grew apart like others do. But, I do agree they don't need to know all the details.

1) why are you still talking about ^^^^ this??!!!

And

2) it was YOU who gave them the details!

Now you deny that they "need to know all"...which is it?

But I will not hide my wrongs from them. I want them to know I am far from perfect, but that I have learned from my misdeeds and am so truly sorry and will never believe any wrong I did should be condoned or repeated. Just forgiven.

who is forgiving whom? What are you talking about?

No response.

"No response"...wait, I don't get it. What on earth were you expecting, and from whom and WHEN? (Maybe you should Be glad you didn't get a response.)

When you told her all this stuff, you expected what?

HER to forgive you, then & there?? That's more than UNreasonable. It's odd.

M: One more thing I need to tell you.

NO, YOU DON'T "NEED TO"....

Just BE different. No more talking...yikes...

I have now realized how much it took for you to invite me to you apt - your safe place for the first time. That one single act took more courage, trust and love than anything I did to try to save us over the last year and a half. It must have taken all you had to reach out lik that. I will always be grateful for that and what that allowed us share in the months after. You CHOSE to love me in that moment, when you were vulnerable and scared. I am not sure I really understand the depth of courage it took, but I will be forever honored and grateful for it.

No response.

Be grateful you did not get a response. You are mind reading and telling her what she felt and why and what it took HER to do, instead of asking her...

although NOW was NOT the time to be discussig this anyhow. WAY too much for one conversation. How on earth could anyone process all this at once AND

feel forgiving?? (While also saying she can't forgive til she's ready...)




Some people may thinks it's strange for me to say the last part when I know she was continuing her affair with OM/Boss at that time. But..I actually do feel that way. I hate her affair and that she still won't be honest, but at the same time know she was trying in her own misfit way.


THIS ^^^ part is very revealing b/c it's the only thing that shows me WHY you felt compelled to confess all. NOW I GET IT...

This is about YOU throwing down the gauntlet to your w,

by dumping the very personal humiliating event[u] your wife suffered at your hands/u], on your kids

ALL so SHE will confess all....wow.

Wow...lots of typing. Any thoughts?

I hope you will bravely check your true motivations for all this...

Also,

you should say a whole lot less.


Good luck.