I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[ClingingToHope]

The Friday thing sorted itself out. Turns out XW thought she had the kids this weekend and was offering for me to ride down with her to see D12 when camp let out.

She forgot, so I had to remind her, that we're on the normal schedule now. The D agreement said she gets the girls on mother's day weekend and I get them on father's day weekend. This is normally my weekend.

She texted back "Ok then you can pick up D12. I can stay with D8 till you get back or you can take D8 your choice."

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling -- lots to go over. It's my weekend with girls. I had to pick D12 up from theater camp. After, we had to go to XW's to get D8 and I struggled being there again.

Weird control things popped in my head. XW was doing yard work and not going out after. The fact I still care is bad.

Later, getting D12 to sleep she said something like "when the divorce is final" and I told it is final. It's been final for two weeks. She was mad. She said she and D8 have been asking for weeks but XW won't say anything.

Saturday, more texting back and forth with Church_31. She actually has the weekend off and asks if I want to bring the girls to the beach. She is taking her nephew and brother-in-law's son.

I desperately want to -- but it's the girls' decision. D8 wanted to practice bike riding without training wheels. She gets it after about 20 minutes and just wants to spend the rest of the day riding. So no beach with Church_31 for me.

Still, in the parent memory book it's a great day. D8 was soooo proud of herself.

Weired acceptance stuff. After getting it down, she wants to ride to XW's and I say that's fine. So she does.

Later, we get two of D8's close friends from school and they spend three hours together, including two more trips to XW's.

All in all, a great day for D8.

That night, I asked them both if it was OK if D12 act as "baby-sitter" for an hour. A friend was celebrating getting engaged and I wanted to go for an hour.

The girls are up for it and I go and stay an hour and when I get back XW is here. Turns out D8 wanted a "real baby-sitter" and called XW 15 minutes after I left.

So she's sitting in my living room. D8 runs up saying "don't be mad." I wasn't. I'd had a good time and I was strangely OK with XW being here. Later ... I think I knew why. Because she obviously wasn't going out and I still care about that, which is bad.

After XW leaves, D8 is all excited and talking about mom and dad being together and I tell her mom and dad are divorced. And D8 was very, very upset. I figured if D12 knew then D8 should know. XW had two weeks to say something and didn't. I don't know why.

Sunday, I text Church_31 about if she's going to church. She's a morning person like me. She says yes and it turns out we are going to same service and she asks if I want to sit with her and her parents.

Yes. So that's what I do and I really tried to focus on the message. It was a tough one for her. The pastor talked about living life between dreams and reality. An example he used was about his son's marriage. They can't have kids and it's been difficult.

Church_31 can't have kids and she's said in group that that was very difficult to accept.

After, I walk out and talk a bit with her and her parents. When it was over, her dad says "it was nice to meet you. I've already heard a lot about you."

That can be taken a lot of ways. I really like this lady though. Fingers crossed.

Then D8, D12 and I go eat. I had some free tickets to independent league baseball and D8 doesn't want to go. She wants to ride her bike. So I work out a deal where she takes her bike to her friend's house and that friend's older sister and brother, who D12 is friends with, goes with me to the game.

It was a good time. After, D8 wants more bike riding and XW brings over her bike so I can ride with D8.

So we go on a ride. Finally, bed time and both girls want to talk about mom and dad. And I answered there questions as best I could. They are very very confused and will be for a long time.

For the longest time, I felt dead inside at times. Life was safe, comfortable, decided. Now, everything is just topsy turvy. I can't wait to look back at this time five years from now.

As our pastor said, there's always a long way to go to see how your story ends up.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling -- Well, the best laid plans ...

More texting with Church_31. Asked her what she was up to this week. She mentioned work, a water park, a date .... Then she asked me what I was up to.

A date?

I got that in the morning and thought long and hard about what to do next.

Finally, I thought to myself that it's time to step up to the plate. I texted her at night asking what she was doing Saturday. I know she's working until 7 p.m.

She said she has to get up early Sunday to work so she's not sure if she's going out Saturday. What was I doing?

Nothing special, I replied, but I texted her I really like hanging out with her and I have friends going to this one place.

She texted back that she loves that place and if she has enough energy, she'll text me Saturday, if that's OK.

I know Wii and a couple of others are going to hammer me for even trying. But anyone who has followed my sitch knows I'm very interested in Church_31. I was waiting for a sign and the sign I got is that I better get in the game.

She's supposed to be with the church group on July 4 as well. We are all watching the fireworks together and I'm going to formally ask her out.

If I get shot down, it's OK. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[mishka422]

You know CTH, you're right. If you are getting the feeling that you better make a move or lose the opportunity then you are probably right. Just be careful and slow. Knowing someone in a social sense is totally difference than knowing them in a dating sense but the comfort level of the social relationship can make things move faster than you are ready for right now.

Good luck!

[ClingingToHope]

Church_31 and I texted some more this morning. She said she's sure she can get out for a little while on Saturday and that's fine with me.

If Saturday and Monday goes well I'll see if she's free when I get back from my trip to Minnesota.

If not, I'll be disappointed. But I'd be more disappointed if I didn't at least try.

Kid thing/acceptance thing.

XW texts last night, saying there's no way she can both drop girls off and pick them up from camp. So could I either drop them off or pick them up.

MWD might call this "cake-eating." After all, she wanted to be a single mom. It's her job to handle logistics on her days.

But I really don't care. Now I get to pick them up on Tuesday and Friday. The alternative is that XW just pays a babysitter and they sit around all day. I'd rather have them out having experiences.

Been thinking a bit on something D12 said Sunday night. During the long conversation about the D being final, I was telling them I'll always love XW and think we should have tried harder to work things through. D12 then said, "but what if you are better off without her?"

That's not good. I don't want them growing up with resentment toward XW. That'll just rebound on me anyway and I don't want them growing up with anger. There's been enough of that in our family already.

Funny thing today. D8 got over-excited at horseback riding camp and ran off in the woods during a hike. It was a typical D8 moment. When they found her she refused to come back and it took a while to get her back on the plan.

But she also ran through poison ivy and I spent 90 minutes getting some ointment, a fresh change of clothes and then rubbing the ointment all over her.

Why me? Because XW wasn't answering her phone at work.

[mishka422]

OUCH! She wasn't answering her phone on a day she is responsible for the girls? That's bad.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling -- Pick up girls from camp and take them to credit union so D12 can deposit the $27.50 she still has left from grades this year. A trick I learned in a finance class to help kids learn the value of saving, I doubled her deposit so she put $55 in. She now has $156 in savings -- all of it from me.

Anyway, she's saving up for an Ipod Touch and has already priced them out and is strategizing how to earn more money. She's taken the baby sitting classes, she just needs to get some clients.

I'm feeling like a good dad until we go to get something to eat. To get McDonalds, D8 promises to eat apples not fries.

When I get there, D12 says she's not hungry, then changes her mind and says she wants a McFlurry. I tell her no, I have popsicles and fudge bars at home -- at like 1/8th the calories.

D12 throws a 10-minute fit about how she can't anything good anymore because she and XW are starting on Power 90X tonight and XW is throwing out all of the fattening foods.

XW said she could eat the bad stuff at MY house.

That's funny because I've been eliminating fatty foods from my house for months and I work out at least a little bit every day.

So I tell her I'm not going to have that stuff at my house either and she's going to have to learn to live with it until she can buy her own food. Finally, to calm her down, I make the same deal I have with D8. She can eat bad stuff on Fridays. D8 and I call it Fry Friday.

I am happy that XW is FINALLY on board on D12's health. She's about 25 pounds overweight. She doesn't look terrible, but the trends are bad. If we let her, she'll sit on the couch all day watching TV. She's a lot like her mom.

This is tough for me. I've always been pretty thin because I've always been very active. Swimming, basketball, golf, baseball, racquetball, you name it and I played it. And D12 has my body type.

I know you are not supposed to give children -- especially girls -- body issues, but you can't just give in and let them sit around and eat junk.

The last thing that made me laugh after I thought about it is the fact that XW finally wants to get back in shape.

Back before she kicked me out, she said she was tired of me judging how she looked. She said she liked being fat -- she went from a size 4 to 14 in about 30 months. She didn't like to work out or go bike riding or get in a swimsuit.

I always thought that was crap. When she got down to a size 2 after D12 and a size 4 after D8 she looked great and she dressed better for work and was more willing to go out with friends and go with the girls to the beach. She seemed happier to me. Almost everyone I know is happier when they look better.

It seemed the more weight she put on the unhappier she became. One of the very best summers of our marriage was after D12 was born. I got XW into running. It took a couple of months, but then she started seeing results and she'd call me to see when I was getting home so we could go. I loved that time together. So as she fell deeper into the depression I'd suggest we go to the Y together or go for a walk, something, anything. And she took it as criticism.

XW unfortunately, wants things to be easy. She hates the struggle. It's like her career. She wants to be the head of her insurance office, but she doesn't want to put in the time or effort to get a college degree and without it she's unlikely ever to get out of middle management.

Kids learn by example. I've long said I wanted to be a published author and now am looking at getting a Master's in statistics. But I putz around on the most promising projects that would get me to those goals. It's time to actually get those things done to set an example for the girls -- that it is easy to talk, the goal is to actually do it.

[ClingingToHope]

Tough night with D12 last night. We went to a fundraiser at a restaurant and all three of us stuffed ourselves. So D12 and I went on a bike ride and D12 wanted to stop and talk.

She is just very devastated by the divorce. She wants me to move on and find someone. I tried to tell her I'm fine by myself and God has a plan and something great is going to happen to me and that I just have to have faith.

She is very worried about guys and finding someone (she's 12!!!!????) and is worrying about my happiness and XW's happiness.

I tried to tell her she shouldn't worry about my happiness or XW's happiness. We're adults. We can take care of ourselves. She should just worry about her happiness.

She's a mess inside.

XW front. D8 needed her sneakers for camp today. She didn't want to go on the bike ride with D12 and I so she went over to XW's to get the shoes.

Then she forgets and XW drives them over. Then it turns out D12 doesn't have sneakers either so XW has to come back.

I really don't like seeing XW so much, but I'm getting used to it.

[kat727]

Just a quick idea on the ipod touch. they do sell refurbished ones on the Apple website at a decent discount. I bought mine there last year and haven't had any problems. Just a thought.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

Sigh. D8 had a meltdown at camp today. She can't come back for the last day of horse back riding camp -- which has the horse riding show.

D12 doesn't want to go because it's going to be too hot -- and I'm guessing embarrassment over D8.

XW said in her text she had no idea D8 was having a tough week at camp, which may have been a veiled criticism of me since I was the one dealing with the camp on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Of course, camp staff left messages with her Tuesday. She didn't return their phone calls.

That's not important. I'm just disappointed D8 couldn't keep it together this week. Every year she struggles in her first camp -- having to follow rules.

Anyway, XW asked me in a text if I wanted her to call to fill me in on what happened or email. I said email. Judging by her text I'm guessing she's upset about something and I don't want to react if she tries to push my buttons. Best to just get the email, think it over, and then respond.