How things change in one day. Yesterday I posted still thinking I wanted STBX to come back and wondering if there was any hope. And now, well, I think (hope!) I have finally come to my senses.
Yesterday I called my Mom to confess to her the terrible thing I did to STBX about 3 years ago. To my surprise my Mom said she already knew because my sister told her. This would be a sister I have not talked to in at least 5 years who used to work with STBX and OM/Boss until they fired her. Way back then she, like others tried to warn me about their relationship. As always, I chose to ignore and go on. Eventually, I stopped talking to that sister and my whole extended family to protect my core family.
Anyway, after hearing that from my Mom, I spoke with that sister. She told me that years ago STBX told lots of people at the restaurant that I had raped her, when I hadn't at all. She also told me she saw STBX and OM/Boss naked together in a lake at a company picnic event. She also said STBX often was no where near the building when she was supposedly at work. On more than one occasion the two of them left the building with a bottle of wine from the bar. That another time, STBX pinned a male employee against the wall and kissed him. She has shown her breasts to "everyone".
I have mentioned earlier about the "baby, baby, baby I miss you" email I found that STBX sent him while we were on a family vacation. One time when she came home from a business trip that he was on, I found a bottle of lube and a wine opener in her bag. There have been other signs as well.
Anyway, today I finally admitted to myself that STBX has been having a full blown affair with him for years. Probably as many as 9 years! The truth is that I have always known, but refused to admit it.
I have not told STBX any of this, of course. She would only continue to deny even though she and he are now openly involved and planning on buying a house together. In fact, today I texted her and continued to be the nice guy. I will likely share some of that textversation later.
Bottom line - I have finally realized how much better off I am without the woman she has become in my life. I actually still love and care for her, but that may never go away. The weird part is that I think she still feels the same way about me. She has literally been in love with 2 men for years. He can have her.
It's nice to finally come out of the fog. I will post the textversation later.
Happy it is less foggy for you. Of course, pay attention to your own emotions and try to keep the keel level.
Of course, only you know when you are done. And as you sound more done then before, a sign that your detachment is moving along... Now is the time that you can really start to focus on you and what you want. Become the good part of you that you may have lost, and become a more, better you for the future.
Today I feel more detached than ever and actually want to be. I've been thinking about the reality before this all started again 2 almost 2 years ago. I wasn't happy at all. I was an angry man hiding from the truth. I said I would post our texversation from today. Now I seek different advice from before. Not on how to save my marriage, but how to protect my interests as we approach divorce proceedings.
M: I told the kids what I did to you. Real healing starts with brutal honesty and genuine forgiveness. I refuse to leave a legacy of pain for our children and grandchildren. I have wallowed in hurt and anger for too long. I have promised myself I will stand up and lead my family through it's dark days.
STBX: Wow. Don't you think I have some say in conversations about me. Don't you think I have a right to know what my kids know.
M: They both already knew.
STBX: They knew something bad happened. D19 overheard something. I hate that you dump that s-it on the. This is why S17 doesn't want to live there. Too much stress and too many conversations.
M: There was no dumping. Again, they knew already. It's about being honest, showing true remorse and asking for forgiveness.
STBX: Because it's all about you. My children are not the ones who need to be asked forgiveness for what you did to me.
M: I need to ask their forgiveness for what it did to them though. I don't know that you could ever forgive me or that I will ever forgive myself. The greatest gift you could ever give me is forgiveness for that, but that is not something I can put on my agenda. That can only happen when you are ready.
STBX: I can not forgive you. Because you rape me over and over with your actions. With your inability to let me go.
M: That is the greatest gift I can give you - your freedom. I know that. If I really love you like I say I do, then loving you would be letting you go. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I can find the strength to do it.
STBX: Buy me out of the house. And let me be.
Then a bunch of exchanges regarding house value etc etc.
M: Do you have a date you need the money by?
STBX: No, I don't need the money by any date. But that is not the point.
More logistics
M: I think it's good that I talked to the kids about it, because now they don't have to keep it inside. They are the innocent victims of all our mistakes. If we had simply honored our marriage vows, their life would be a beautiful one. I can't change the past, but we can all have a better future with no secrets. remorse and genuine forgiveness and still caring for each other. We did do well for so long - that I wanted to celebrate our "noniversary (we did with a great dinner together last Nov) to recognize our efforts. We need to do that well at the very end more than ever. It will set the tone for the rest of our lives, and more importantly our children and their children. Let's show them that even in the most difficult times, we cared and did everything possible for them and each other.
STBX: I have always done that and always will.
M: Somehow you and I should put aside our anger, hurt and distrust. What little contact we have from now on, just can't be negative. We are still STBX and BTM. The same people who chose to deciate our lives to each other. I want our kids to be able to know how strong our love and bond once was and how special something like that is. So that they never make the mistakes we did. The best way to show them now is to exit gracefully.
STBX: I have tried very hard to do just that. I don't talk about you to our kids. And I tell them we just grew apart. They don't need details. It's not fair to them. (Truth? she doesn't want them to know of her 9 year affair with OM/Boss - and really either do i)
M: But, we didn't really just grow apart - or we couldn't have been so close in the months after separation. (when we dated, went on 2 vacations together etc) My concern is that how not understanding what really caused the end of their Mom and Dad's bond and love will affect every relationship for the rest of their lives. Everyone is a product of their lives. Everyone is a product of their family life and everyone uses their parents as an example of how to live and love. I know that about me now and we both see it in D19 already. I certainly don't think we just grew apart like others do. But, I do agree they don't need to know all the details. But I will not hide my wrongs from them. I want them to know I am far from perfect, but that I have learned from my misdeeds and am so truly sorry and will never believe any wrong I did should be condoned or repeated. Just forgiven.
No response.
M: One more thing I need to tell you. I have now realized how much it took for you to invite me to you apt - your safe place for the first time. That one single act took more courage, trust and love than anything I did to try to save us over the last year and a half. It must have taken all you had to reach out lik that. I will always be grateful for that and what that allowed us share in the months after. You CHOSE to love me in that moment, when you were vulnerable and scared. I am not sure I really understand the depth of courage it took, but I will be forever honored and grateful for it.
No response.
Some people may thinks it's strange for me to say the last part when I know she was continuing her affair with OM/Boss at that time. But..I actually do feel that way. I hate her affair and that she still won't be honest, but at the same time know she was trying in her own misfit way.
Really, you need to just STOP. You say you are doing this for your kids, or for your wife, but these are really just selfish attempts at assuaging your own guilt, LITB.
You've spoken your peace, just LET IT BE. Stop involving your kids and everyone else in your need to prostrate yourself before your wife on this matter. Talk to a counselor instead.
I can guar-an-damn-TEE you that she doesn't find this to be attractive, not in the least.
OK, then if you're truly focusing on "legal" now, why are you constantly ADMITTING GUILT to her (quite possibly of a prosecutable crime), IN WRITING???
I'd be anxious to know what your atty thinks about the wisdom of that.
