It has been a while scince i have posted and over a year since i found aout about wife and OM.
still cannot forgive....if not for my kids this would have been over that day.
some might say that me giving forgiveness will set me free to move forward, i say it only is accepting the humiliation of being cheated on.
i did want to say thanks to those who helped me through the dark days of discovery. it was comforting to know i was not alone, over the past year i have realized it even more....so many unfaithful people out there with no morals or family values.
anyhow, felt i owed a little update to those of you that were there lending advice.
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
If she's sorry, and had asked for your forgiveness, then it will be easier than if she's not. Forgiveness becomes a chared burden.
If she's not sorry, then forgivness is a solo enterprise. It probably means that the relationship can't be healed.
Very well put - i love her and she loves me but it will never be the same, she has never been open with me, never answered my questions, she would rather act like it never happened..she was sorry they got caught.and is embarrassed in my opinion why she doesn't talk..which is BS to me.
i beleive i am stuck in a place that has no good choice for a solution.
gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
It has been a while scince i have posted and over a year since i found aout about wife and OM. So sorry to hear this^^^. I know It hurts.
still cannot forgive....if not for my kids this would have been over that day.
some might say that me giving forgiveness will set me free to move forward, i say it only is accepting the humiliation of being cheated on. Then you do not understand forgiveness, my friend. I have posted elsewhere on this very topic. It's the biggest lesson I got from DBing. It does free YOU, not her.
It has very little to do with the person being forgiven; they don't even have to know.
You are confusing forgiveness with, among other things, with condoning behavior that is not acceptable...or trusting it won't happen again...
You are confusing forgiveness with loss of self respect
and or with being a doormat. Again, my friend, you are mistaken.
It takes strength to do what I call forgiving...it's a weak person who holds onto their pain and lets it fester and rot to make them into a bitter person...not a bEtter person, a bItter person...
Please read about this elsewhere or if you prefer, I'll cut and paste what I've written to others about this. It is key to YOUR happiness.
Yes, I believe with certainty, that YOU cannot be happy or loving again, without You letting it go.
IF you hold onto it, you are self inflicting pain in your life, you are carrying around the weight of your pain on a daily basis,
modelling for your children that a blow to your ego is an emotionally fatal blow and an eternal blow that never ends...
b/c you cannot heal without letting this go.
So THAT part is on YOU.
i did want to say thanks to those who helped me through the dark days of discovery. it was comforting to know i was not alone, over the past year i have realized it even more....so many unfaithful people out there with no morals or family values. What I got from this site is that there are so many people I've never met, &will likely never meet, and am not paying or benefitting in any way,
who are nonetheless willing to take hours of their time to help me in my hour of need. I learned that Forgiveness actually is a gift I give myself,
but that it is also a process that takes time and insight, which I lacked before...
If it were not for the people I "met" here, especially some of the men,
who showed me the way that men can see things and how full a man's heart can be,
and how loyal and loving...
my m would not have survived. I will take from this site almost universally good things...
anyhow, felt i owed a little update to those of you that were there lending advice.
Gman
Can you try to want to want to forgive?
Can you open your mind to the possibility that it will free you?
Can you accept the possibility that maybe,
just maybe
your version of forgiveness is a flawed one?
I hope you will at some point, b/c we are not lying when we all tell you this.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
i have tried to forgive, but the unanswered questions make it very difficult to this.
everyones version of forgivness is just that, their own. so i am sure that in the eyes of others that all versions of forgivness are flawed to some extent, which makes us human, the ability to form thoughts, opinions and conclusions.
forgivness....does not make one forget either.
i do think i need to clear up the way i wrote soemthing earlier about "so many unfaithful people" - i was not refering to this site or people who confess their problems on her, just that sadly being unfaithful and divorcing has become the norm in this day and age.
i will address the comment that suggests that my children will see one blow to an ego as defeat....i have sheilded my children from this situation, they are unaware that she cheated on their father and i intend to keep it that way.....yes children are very aware, and i caught myself with a negative attitude towards her...and it rubbed off on them in the way they treated her...that was the day i made sure i never acted disrepectful to her again (about a year ago if you were wondering).
but like i said, without the kids involved this would have been done that night because i have learned it is pretty much a "releationship" breaker to me.
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
I won't quibble about dealbreakers. If they are, they are.
I get it, and I accept it. Do I agree? It really depends.
FOR ME it's not black and white but it used to be.
Now, IF I thought all was well in the marriage and was
"awake" (not being a weird 'in denial' w) and
I[b]F h acted as if all was well too and we were "happy"
but in reality, he was actually having an active A
it'd be a dealbreaker for me.
B/C I could not handle that level of deceit and subterfuge and confusion and would not be able to trust my own perceptions with him.[/b]
however if we were separated or having major problems and OR
at some level I was aware, AND OR I was responsible for part or all of it...
and he succumbed to temptation, AND OR got needs filled that I was not filling
I MIGHT stick it out if he said and did the necessary things.
I DO know couples who have survived affairs and who seem happy now.
It can happen.
But forgiveness isn't about whether you stick it out or stay married.
Obviously forgiveness IS mandatory to do if you do stay married or you'll both be miserable.
But I'm talking about moving forward in your life without making this at all about what "She did to you"...
that's just victimhood. See rysmom thread sometime if you want to see someone stuck in victimhood YET who wants to stay married...
OR read the threads of the bitter ones who shout out how their Spouse's "affairs ALWAYS ARE WRONG!!!"...as if they want to be "declared as right"...
it comes off as self righteous and petulant. And make no mistake; there are people who want to be "declared RIGHT" and for them
being "right" is more important than being happy.
That's pride and ego, impeding their own happiness. That's putting their pride ahead of their marriage...
Not saying you are, but saying how it can sound...
Very happy you are shielding the kids from all this. I think it's a terrible thing to burden them with
and if they learned of it, there's just no way they'll think she cheated on YOU only, but on them as well.
That why it's impossible for them not to be hurt by it.
(Hence you protecting them, so good for you)
Is there anything YOU would do differently, before the A, as a h?
I ask so you can still learn from this painful ordeal.
Otherwise it just stinks and you're powerless. What do I mean?
I mean that if you somehow "knew" that you were a flawless h (which I know you are not claiming)
[b]but if you knew you were perfect
and yet...she left you anyhow...
then you'd be powerless...you could change nothing and still have this happen...[/b] which is why I WANT TO BE AT FAULT in some way when I see a c or MC
this is why I want something to fix or work on... IN ME, b/c then, I am NOT powerless.
This is one reason it's important to drop the whole ""A" issue done TO me" and focus instead on you
and what YOU want for YOUR future and your children's.
It's empowering b/c then you are in charge of what happens in your life. You are not subject to the affects of HER choices...
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's also part of the package of reconcilation with your wife. And though you may forgive her, if she's not sorry, if she's witholding information, if she's not really trying to re-engage you, then, perhaps, you guys will be stuck in limbo.
A good pro-marriage therapist may help you to open your hearts to each other, have compassion for each other and when that's establshed, she can feel safe enough to share the gory details, look you in the eye, admit what she did was wrong and ask for your forgiveness.
By the way. I see your tag line "be happy or be right".
How would you counsel a person who's spouse is not sorry or remorseful for the affair and states, quite clearly, "I'm sorry you got hurt, but I'm not sorry for the affair, I did nothing wrong"?
By the way. I see your tag line "be happy or be right".
How would you counsel a person who's spouse is not sorry or remorseful for the affair and states, quite clearly, "I'm sorry you got hurt, but I'm not sorry for the affair, I did nothing wrong"?
--Theoden
I assume you're referring to your sitch? If so, I will have to read your thread
but off the top of my head I still say you let it go.
Not to reconcile,
but to live free of the weight of past hurts. If you were abused as a child
and I was
you have to do the same thing. Otherwise we are permanent victims.
Those who insist on being "right" are usually, at least partly responsible for the demise of their m.
why do I say this? B/C their attitude reflects a lot of what they were like before' the affair.
Dogmatic, self righteous, critical, judgemental, harsh, even mean.
In SOME cases,
the LBSer more or less pushed their spouse into the arms of OP.
For instance, I know a w who sexually rejected her h for over 3 YEARS and was told by her h, that he was "lonely in the m" and had unmet needs AND
she did nothing...basically told him to tough it out...
he met OW and she was warm and loving...
When w found out about the A she was furious and wounded...until she finally looked in the mirror...
I don't condone her h. But I UNDERSTAND HIS CHOICE...
for me, it is NOT the same as
long term deceit and pretense that all is well and the marriage is fine.
Does this make sense to you? I don't mean to make everything subjective
but to me, somethings are simply not black and white.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
it has been a hard while for me and to be honest, when i read DB our situation was pretty much script (i know now because i read the book....would have been good to read before it had gotten that way).
basically she was looking for someone to pay more attention to her than i was i guess - she is a stay at home mom and i work full time and lend my time to my kids activities all the time.....if i were to do anything different before she went off and hid a 6 month long affair from me....it would have been to pay a little more attention to her and maybe she would not have done what she did.
biggest pet peve about people who cheated is when they say they made a "mistake"....no they made a "decision" and decisions have consiquences.
i tried the therapy route with her a couple of times a long way back and she declined.
my focus is my kids these days, still GAL mostly by exercising and taking time for myself once in a while.
i am not an "eye for an eye" kind of person, and not trying to punish anyone, not even myself....but as anyone who has been in my shoes knows, this is the most devistating thing one can endure in a marriage, and trust me it has taken a toll on me not so much physically (other than more grey hair...lol) but i am metally exhausted at times.
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
