XYZ is here, but I won't be staying...

[XYZ]

I feel pretty crummy coming here and griping given how much my sitch has improved and how lucky I am to be where I am and where I'm heading, but at the same time this has gotten so much more emotionally difficult for me since the turn-around.

I didn't realize just how much I had let go and detached. Every time I saw my W before, I just put it out of my mind how much I wanted her and I started to block how much I loved her. The pain is all back - in full force - now. In many ways it's as painful today as it was in the beginning, although without the physical symptoms of depression.

Just dropped kids off at "their" house (even though W referred to "our" bed the other night. That was nice.). W doesn't want to confuse the kids, so nothing has changed. I did take notice that she's still wearing both rings, so that's good and we had several good text interactions today, but so so so hard to just say "ok, guys, daddy's leaving now" and have W walk me to the door as a friend might.

I should know better since this is piecing round 2, but it's bad. I just want to grab her and hold her and .... but I can't, know I can't, know that if I did that would be a disaster, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm so impatient and when we were "done" and there was no more waiting that was easier than back to this land of the indeterminate wait. Will it be tomorrow? a week? a month? 3 months? a year? longer? Who knows and nobody can tell.

I'm going to go to the DoJo (I'm a Black belt in Karate) and kick the ever-living sh&* out of somebody now....