been a while...

[25yearsmlc]

Gman

I won't quibble about dealbreakers. If they are, they are.

I get it, and I accept it. Do I agree? It really depends.

FOR ME it's not black and white but it used to be.

Now, IF I thought all was well in the marriage and was

"awake" (not being a weird 'in denial' w) and

I[b]F h acted as if all was well too and we were "happy"

but in reality, he was actually having an active A


it'd be a dealbreaker for me.

B/C I could not handle that level of deceit and subterfuge and confusion and would not be able to trust my own perceptions with him.[/b]


however if we were separated or having major problems and OR

at some level I was aware, AND OR I was responsible for part or all of it...


and he succumbed to temptation, AND OR got needs filled that I was not filling

I MIGHT stick it out if he said and did the necessary things.

I DO know couples who have survived affairs and who seem happy now.


It can happen.


But forgiveness isn't about whether you stick it out or stay married.

Obviously forgiveness IS mandatory to do if you do stay married
or you'll both be miserable.


But I'm talking about moving forward in your life
without making this at all about what "She did to you"...

that's just victimhood. See rysmom thread sometime if you want to see someone stuck in victimhood YET who wants to stay married...

OR read the threads of the bitter ones who shout out how their Spouse's "affairs ALWAYS ARE WRONG!!!"...as if they want to be "declared as right"...

it comes off as self righteous and petulant. And make no mistake; there are people who want to be "declared RIGHT" and for them

being "right" is more important than being happy.

That's pride and ego, impeding their own happiness. That's putting their pride ahead of their marriage...

Not saying you are, but saying how it can sound...

Very happy you are shielding the kids from all this. I think it's a terrible thing to burden them with

and if they learned of it, there's just no way they'll think she cheated on YOU only, but on them as well.

That why it's impossible for them not to be hurt by it.

(Hence you protecting them, so good for you)


Is there anything YOU would do differently, before the A, as a h?

I ask so you can still learn from this painful ordeal.

Otherwise it just stinks and you're powerless. What do I mean?

I mean that if you somehow "knew" that you were a flawless h
(which I know you are not claiming)

[b]but if you knew you were perfect

and yet...she left you anyhow...


then you'd be powerless...you could change nothing and still have this happen...[/b]
which is why I WANT TO BE AT FAULT in some way when I see a c or MC


this is why I want something to fix or work on... IN ME,
b/c then, I am NOT powerless.


This is one reason it's important to drop the whole ""A" issue done TO me" and focus instead on you

and what YOU want for YOUR future and your children's.


It's empowering b/c then you are in charge of what happens in your life. You are not subject to the affects of HER choices...


Make sense?