C went really well. She fits my personality so much. I wish I could afford her every wk.
I'm gonna text w and tell her I'm not ready to see her. [b] The truth is I need to work on me and that means going dark.. very dark. Not to see if she misses me.. but so I can heal.. so I can re-learn how to make decisions with my best interest at heart. So I can learn that I deserve love.[/b]
If true, and I believe you, then that's cool. I just want to make sure you are not being punitive. That never helps and you want to be able to hold your head high the rest of your life. Not just b/c it helps reconciling but b/c it's right for you. I could act as if and go ahead with the meeting.. but we are also suppose to pay attention. We set up our separation to be loving, but my w hasn't done much to keep that going. She walked away from that. That's hurts.. but it is what it is. Yes it is what it is. Stay away from the blame game b/c 1) it backfires--meaning it does NOT help your cause and 2) it keeps your focus on her instead of you
3) you need to own your part in the demise of the marriage b/c otherwise
why won't you repeat the behavior? Either with her or someone else? If you are going to be in all this pain, at least grow from it.
That's the "payoff" of DBing. Knowing we are better people for it.
She's not gonna say how much she missed me, she's gonna want to push forward with d. If it was anything different.. she would have specified in her text. Regardless the point is.. I'm not ready to see her. If she wants forward with D, she can start on her own. I'm not running away from her on this. I'm running towards me! well said. Don't spin too negatively but since you bring the focus back with "regardless, the point is" seems healthy to me.
I feel like so many people on this board at least remember what their w/h was. For me.. I just remember what I've always wanted from her but never got. IF TRUE (and we all tend to revise our marital history when we are hurting) but if so
then you need to see if it's your ego that is "hurting" you so much OR if it's
really the loss of your marriage. If the marriage wasn't so great to begin with, at least factor in that with the sense of loss.
My guess is that your marriage was a mixed bag, like many. So be it. But when you stare at what you miss, make sure it's a reality from the past, and not merely another wish.
On the other hand, it's also okay to miss what might have been...
I'm going to really try and refocus my priorities from her to me. I'll have to live with the consequences.. but if I'm taking care of me and making positive changes.. it has to be better than this.
AMEN!! ^^^^
To end this rant on a positive note. I opened my own separate account. I'm nervous about financially supporting myself.. but I have to trust that someone greater than myself is looking out for me.
AMEN AGAIN...we all have to learn how to take charge of our lives and happiness b/c
1) no one else can or will; and
2) it is exclusively our job.
Hang in there and let us know how the meeting (eventually) goes.
If she contacts you in the meantime, and you are not fully prepared,
just LISTEN
and tell her you will get back to her when you have had time to process what she tells you.
No one expects you to be ready for all contingencies...it's okay.
But listening is always a good option for when you don't know what to say.
And re-capping what she tells you to make sure you are not "reading into" what she says, is also good and healthy communication. Verify that you really "get" what she says and make sure SHE gets what you say.
No more mind reading...esp when it hurts!
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
