XYZ is here, but I won't be staying...

[XYZ]

J3B - I need some of your sage advice. I can see that I'm already at risk of falling into the trap you mentioned above and I'm trying to avoid it...

After close to a year of dealing with a WAW, I feel like I (finally) got to a point where I sort of understood her (at least to the point where a WAW can be understood). I guess what I mean, is that nothing surprised me any more and I understood how my words and actions would be perceived and interpreted.

I totally lack that insight now in piecing and I'm confused. I don't get the mindset of the former-WAW or understand the process they are going through. I'm hoping you can enlighten me.

Here's my current sitch:
* "ILY" has returned in full force (both verbal and written) in both directions. She tells me she never stopped loving me.
* We both agree that we'll stay apart until a bit further in the process.
* We have had some really great conversations over the last couple of days.
* Phone conversations are light and non-stressful with a tone that is similar to "old-style" us.
* She told me it feels good to be able to safely tell me she loves me
* She texted me that she "feels much love from me, again" but hopes "baby steps will be ok" - I respond that I am patient and in no rush; want to do it right not fast.
* She asked me tonight to let her know if I am out of touch for a while because I didn't reply to some texts today (I went hiking and didn't get them)
HOWEVER....
* W doesn't want to change the schedule by adding extra meals together or anything to confuse the kids - Exact phrase is "we should wait" to do that.
* She says "we have some time" before I move home.
* No kissing or touching of any kind yet

NOW...of course I'm willing to take as long as it takes. I do not want to pressure her at all, but I would like to start understand her mindset because some items (no extra time together "yet", etc) seems so contradictory to me and understanding on my part makes it easier to do....

I mentioned your warning because I was disappointed about her comment on no extra meals and can see what you were talking about...

Thanks in advance

[XYZ]

Ok, so I've fallen in the trap you warned me against, J3B. Very little contact from W today (what I did get ended in "ILY", so I should be thankful for that). I keep wondering, "what's going on, why isn't she calling me, doesn't she want to spend time with me", etc etc.

I just don't understand it. Are we together or are we not? Five days ago, I got it. We were divorcing and that wast that. Now, I don't get. She wants to fix it, is talking about the future and permanence. That's all great, but no day-to-day stuff. Pre-bomb we used to rarely go more than a few hours without contact, then it slowed way down but isn't back picking up.... I don't know what to think any more. I don't know if I should reach out to her or keep it at her initiating. I don't get the rules any more!

People are right. Piecing is just as hard.

[XYZ]

A bit of clarity this morning.....

(1) I need to keep doing what has worked, GAL, don't chase - let her chase me, no neediness, etc. Only problem here is where to draw the line on time together and when to initiate that.

(2) Remember the cat. The cat wants to play, but she's not curled up in my lap (yet). Don't jump at her and scare her off. Small, reassuiring gestures but nothing big or fast.

(3) Patient. She said "baby steps". She said "go slow". She said "take our time". Her actions are consistent with her words (for the first time in 10 months, lol). Why do I want them to be faster? She's doing what she said she'd do. Let her do it at her pace.

X out.

[XYZ]

and....it's only been 5 days since she de-fused the bomb. Give her time....

[XYZ]

In Piecing, I guess I'd say that hardest part for me was: not letting my hope outpace her abilities to move forward.

Whenever I did I got burned.
Which I quickly learned...was my fault. Not her telling me that, me realizing that.

Pacing; is critical.

As always, right on J3B. I already think this is harder than before. Before it was about acceptance and moving on; now it's about NOT moving on TOO quickly. This is a weird game we all play.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I need to keep doing what has worked, GAL, don't chase - let her chase me, no neediness, etc. Only problem here is where to draw the line on time together and when to initiate that.

I found, for me, that I would offer to spend time together, but that I wouldn't be upset if she declined. My GALing, ability to do so, helped.

I also knew that she required 'alone time' and truth be told so did I. It wasn't quanity, so much as quality. Prior to all of this, we had plenty of quanity...what had faded was quality.

I did have similar thoughts as you do. I just had a bag of 'tricks' (although I hesitate to call them tricks) to fall back upon.

[XYZ]

I feel pretty crummy coming here and griping given how much my sitch has improved and how lucky I am to be where I am and where I'm heading, but at the same time this has gotten so much more emotionally difficult for me since the turn-around.

I didn't realize just how much I had let go and detached. Every time I saw my W before, I just put it out of my mind how much I wanted her and I started to block how much I loved her. The pain is all back - in full force - now. In many ways it's as painful today as it was in the beginning, although without the physical symptoms of depression.

Just dropped kids off at "their" house (even though W referred to "our" bed the other night. That was nice.). W doesn't want to confuse the kids, so nothing has changed. I did take notice that she's still wearing both rings, so that's good and we had several good text interactions today, but so so so hard to just say "ok, guys, daddy's leaving now" and have W walk me to the door as a friend might.

I should know better since this is piecing round 2, but it's bad. I just want to grab her and hold her and .... but I can't, know I can't, know that if I did that would be a disaster, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm so impatient and when we were "done" and there was no more waiting that was easier than back to this land of the indeterminate wait. Will it be tomorrow? a week? a month? 3 months? a year? longer? Who knows and nobody can tell.

I'm going to go to the DoJo (I'm a Black belt in Karate) and kick the ever-living sh&* out of somebody now....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

IF I may...and...wait no ones going to stop me unless you stop reading.

Will it be tomorrow? a week? a month? 3 months? a year? longer? Who knows and nobody can tell.

This way of thinking is determental.

When you were dating her you didn't think like this. You enjoyed ever minute you were together, and looked forward to the next time.

You're going to tell me its different this time.

You are right.

Before you were filled with hope, now its doubt.

As for feeling cruddy about what you are posting? Don't. Do not, what you are going through is tougher than most can imagine, you hit the nail on the head, with your thoughts about it.

Anything worth having takes time and effort.

I can tell you X, that I do not regret any of this for what I have now. It was all worth it.

[Harrier]

X.

Man do I feel your pain. I don't know where the heck things are now. I too am
Looking at a future of dropping kids off @ "their " house


JTB

I'm curious. What was your W's take on the process? Do you think it was as hard on her too. I think we tend to be self focused in this process. I want to believe my w is under it too.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The piecing process right?

I know it was hard on my wife as well.

Similar thoughts, wondering if it was all going to be worth it. Had I really changed? Wondering if any little fight could blow up and be our last.

I brought a deal to the table and we both agreed to it.

If something could be taken one of two ways, please give the benefit of the doubt, choose the good way. IF I wanted to be mean, there would be no doubt about it. Likewise we both promised not to hold things in or back. That way hadn't worked in the past.

The real plan to piecing?

Little things over time. Knowing that YOU are going to be doing alot of the work, sometimes all of it. Little things over time and she fell in love with me again...or rather...allowed it to bloom in her again.