I have to let it go Starsky. There isn't much else I can do about it. It has caused me enough stress to feel like someone beat me up.
A little Monday morning craziness....
Note: W and I were both born and raised in the same small town in NM.
My W calls me first thing this morning while I was getting ready for work.
W: It has already started, the rumors are already flying. Someone told my friend's mom that I am abandoning my kids. I haven't even told my family anything, so it is coming from your side. I know how your mom likes to gossip. Tell her to watch what she says.
M: My mom hasn't told my sisters. I don't know who is spreading rumors. I don't know what to tell you.
W: I know it isn't you. It has to be your mom.
M: I have already asked my mom not tell anyone anything. I have to go. I need to finish getting ready for work.
This is part of the reason I do not want to live in NM. I do not like dealing with this crazy drama.
My W(STBX) does not take responsibility for any of this mess. She looks to blame anyone, but herself. I know she has told her family, because she said this yesterday......
W: My step-mom and my half sister can't believe it.
M: Can't believe which part?
W: That you are fighting for the kids.
M: What a ridiculous idea, a father would fight for his kids.
End of that part of this discussion.
I talked to my mom again this morning to let her know what had taken place and to let her know that they are gunning for her.
so I guess she's saying no one has noticed she is there, and her kids are not?
Could that possibly by why rumors are flying? You know, b/c of the FACTS?
If you are going to engage at all, give her a tiny concise dose. Like, "w, don't you think it's possible people have seen you there without the kids and wondered about it?
REGARDLESS, I am not going to take responsibility for what others say about your conduct. I've been very clear with you and that's all I'm responsible for."
The letter was what you know it was. But it is done and that's that. Blame the lawyers and move on.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This IS craziness. Unfortunately, it sounds like she's in for a rude awakening.
Here is something else that is crazy. When we went to NM for Christmas, she let her family know that we are getting a D. I was a wreck. I didn't want to be around anyone, except my family.
My sister called me to let me know that her goddaughter had posted on FB that my W was moving to NM and she will be moving in with her. My kids obviously didn't know anything was going on with us. I told my W about it to protect our kids. She called her goddaughter, who then denied it. My W then blamed my family for not liking her goddaughter and made me feel like crap for even bringing it up.
The ridiculous thing is, how would my sister know/find out from someone else that her goddaughter is moving in with her? That had to be a discussion between them.
I apologized to my W even though it was obviously true.
I got upset with my sister, but it turns out that she had the best interest of my kids in mind.
LBS taking on all the burden.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
No need to apologize. What she doesn't know is that her step-mom told me that she wants what is best for the kids. She is afraid my W is going to become bitter like my MIL and my kids don't need to be around.
I haven't talked to her in awhile, because I knew that was an avenue for anything I say or do to get back to my W.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
How are the kids holding out? Through the whole mess we remember the WAS feelings what they are saying what they are thinking who they are doing it with. We concentrate on you. Helping you cope with fear, sadness, blame, guilt who is doing these things for the kids?
I know you have done a great job at keeping them busy but when you are going at it solo with kids a lot of times people overlook the struggle that causes, specially to your emotions because you are limited as to when you can deal with your emotions. It's like you push everything aside for when the kids are not around.
Kids have a hard enough time without haveing to deal with all this craziness. What are you doing to handle their emotional needs?
About a month ago I got my D a journal. Told her it was just for her to write and release her emotions. Gotta say I think it was a great idea. She loves it.
What is your plan to make this a smooth as possible for them?
2step, plenty of good questions that I don't have all the answers to.
They seem to be doing well. I did notice my S5 needed more attention yesterday and wanted to be held. He fell asleep in my arms at the movies.
I try to give them each my equal time and just love on them as much as possible. I will admit, it is a lot of work. Some days I don't have the energy to deal with it all, but I push my way through.
After this week's wave off craziness passes, I will need to start looking at a plan on how to deal with their emotional needs from my sitch.
Thanks for the questions 2step. I needed them so I can think bigger picture.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
so I guess she's saying no one has noticed she is there, and her kids are not?
Could that possibly by why rumors are flying? You know, b/c of the FACTS?
If you are going to engage at all, give her a tiny concise dose. Like, "w, don't you think it's possible people have seen you there without the kids and wondered about it?
REGARDLESS, I am not going to take responsibility for what others say about your conduct. I've been very clear with you and that's all I'm responsible for."
The letter was what you know it was. But it is done and that's that. Blame the lawyers and move on.
((( )))
She is unwilling to take any responsibility for anything. It is easier for her to continuously place blame at my feet.
I like your rebuttal to the accusation. I will definitely use it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
make it your mantra, esp the last part. You own what you own and nothing else.
It will require a lot of repetition, I'm sure. She will keep deflecting and pointing at you and you can call her on it, but always always remain calm
I see a man being calm in the face of a verbal assault, (not silent, but calm) and I sense power from him...and in a way
I feel safer. Go figure.
hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
LITB - Blame-shift is a crappy human flaw, and so is the lack of grace. It constantly surprises me how universal WAS' behaviors are. Heck, not just spouses, but even between friends and family - the behavior just saddens me. Even the most loving and religious people become so unloving and disconnected, and they often rationalize their behavior to the fact that humans have limits. True, humans have limits, but I see that as an excuse, an excuse that (to me, at least) point back to the human condition/Fall of Man/universal introduction of sin/etc. It's the very same "excuse" Christ came to earth to eradicate, and is repeated over and over in his teachings. It's not just about love, patience, grace, humbleness, guys -- Christ wants us to mimic Him and be more like Him, rather than dwell on our human condition or flaws. So, saying we have reached our "limits" just allows the Devil to win a little bit more.
Hang tight, bro. I continue to pray for healing and God's intervention in the marriages/relationships of all of us here.
I hear what you are saying Alamo.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
make it your mantra, esp the last part. You own what you own and nothing else.
It will require a lot of repetition, I'm sure. She will keep deflecting and pointing at you and you can call her on it, but always always remain calm
I see a man being calm in the face of a verbal assault, (not silent, but calm) and I sense power from him...and in a way
I feel safer. Go figure.
hang in there.
I wrote it down and posted it on my monitor.
You know when she calls and does this to me, it makes me not feel so bad about trying to protect her when she gets served. Is that wrong?
I tried to work it out to save her anymore humiliation and someone advised her to have my L wait until she hires a L. My L is going to get her served. I will get the orders before they are sent.
I'd guess she will get served by the middle of this week.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Dam* our bloody egos that we are willing to fight this ugly knowing very well how destroyed the families are gonna be and affected the kids are gonna be.
Not our choice karma. As fathers, we have to protect our kids. It is our responsibility. I'm a very humble guy. This decision certainly is not about my ego.
I do get what you mean about the destruction of the decisions we are left with. It suck.s.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Holy craziness. I think my W went off the deep end.
She called to talk the kids and I answered to let her know that we were running to reading class.
Here's the convo:
M: Hello.
W:(Hesitation) I'm surprised you answered. I called to talk to the kids.
M: We are running to reading class and we have to be there by 4:30. Would you rather send me a text or leave me a voicemail so I can have the kids call?
W: You know I get angrier and angrier every time I talk to you. You know your dad wouldn't be proud of what you are doing.
M: Excuse me.
W: Your dad wouldn't be proud of what you are doing and I can't wait to tell pastor what you are doing. (She was raising her voicemail)
I was so dumbfounded by the desperate comment, I hung up. She called 2 more times, but of course I didn't answer. I turned my phone off. She was smart enough to not leave a message.
Our pastor knows what is going on. I met with him 2 days before I hired my attorney. He said that he was proud of the way that I've handled the sitch.
This sounds completely desperate. Another poor attempt @ trying to guilt me. Trying to bring my deceased dad into this.
It is pathetic and very sad. She might having some sort of life crisis. This person is not close to the one I knew.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
