I think you did really well in recognizing that you were being controlling, and pulling back. It's hard to do that when feeling so emotional, so congratulations on how far you've come in developing detachment!
My H also went through a long period where he felt he HAD to keep the OW as a friend--but didn't want to lose me either. Eventually he recognized that he had to make a choice, that fence-sitting did not allow him to fully commit to restoring the marriage. However, as this is something he has to recognize on his own, it's good that you are giving him some time to come to the realizations he needs to make. You're right that it is "playing with fire" to try to maintain any kind of relationship with an OW--this has been proven not to work.
The fact that your H is neglecting his family & old friends is par for the course with MLCers, who really can't see beyond their own "teenaged" selves. I think it's good that you've non-intrusively assisted to keep their relationship ticking over while he's there--though, in the end, those will be his fences to mend. Once he starts taking an active interest in their lives once again, you'll know he's progressing out of the MLC tunnel.
Your acts of service are good--as long as you are doing them without expectations of any kind, and without their causing you any resentment. If you can act as you would in an "ideal" relationship, because that is the way you now realize you'd like to be with a spouse, then that sets an excellent template for your future (regardless of what he may do). It's an act of self-love.
I'm glad you made it through your bomb-aversary. Take the time to congratulate yourself on how far you've come!
