74 Days - Who Knows?

[alamo76]

I'm GALing okay... I usually go out once on the weekends... been working out almost every day... my job, working in the yard and spending time with my dogs takes up the rest of my time.

The problem with all of it is that it all seems so empty... pointless... not sure how to describe my feelings.

How about trying GALs that are true 180s? You know, things that would be completely/almost completely new to you. If you're feeling empty doing your GALs, you probably need to up the ante some. Even now, there are certain aspects of my GALs that I feel are failing (i.e. socializing more), and I'm fixin' to rework my plans.

[alamo76]

With advice from board members here, I didn't do anything for our anniversary back in December. I just journalled and talked to friends and family about it. Nevertheless, it was a sad day, like you're experiencing; I feel for you. Channel that anger as a driving force to something productive.

[Starsky309]

2. Assume they are NOT telling the truth, and plan accordingly, until they offer to promise no-contact and full transparency;

Denver,
I have been following along from afar....

So glad Starsky made this point....

Your W is taking the month of June to make a decision.

She has not committed to anything yet, all she has done is told you that she is not going to see OM........for now.

Until she COMMITS to the Marriage again, trying to verify anything is pointless, looking at her actions, where she going, who she is with, what she is saying is just setting you up for a fall, and is going to make you crazy.

I know you are supposed to re-establish the friendship first, however I would personally want a commitment first. You are spending alot of time "in contact" with her and she is "UNDECIDED" on you guys......

What if she decides she is done.....are you going to continue to do things with her???

You are really available to her while she is un-committed to the M. Why would she commit?? She has all of the benefits of being in a relationship with you with none of the responsibilities.

If she does decide to work on the marriage it is going to be very difficult for you to maintain the "New and Improved Denver" and also properly lay down the boundaries you want.

Trying to go back and introduce or strengthen a boundary after reconciliation has begun is very hard and can really erase many of the positive steps you have made.

IMO, being less available would be better. She is on a trip away from you, not knowing what you are doing and who you are doing it with.........

Right now, she is on a trip and she knows exactly what you are doing........worrying about what she is doing.

The reason this is hard for you is because you have been doing so much with her.....concerts, coffee, out to eat, you over at her place, planning vacations.....no wonder it is hard!!!!!

I remember all too well when I thought that my XW was starting to come around and I would do things with her........it totally tore me up everytime we parted company......not healthy for me.

You want to make this easier on you.........

Stop being around her and limit the contact.........

If she asks why.........tell her.

W, the reason I choose to not be around you or limit contact with you is because you are undecided about our M and it will be more painfull for me if I have contact with you and you choose to end our M.

Simple.

When she DECIDES that she wants to work on the Marriage, then you tell her what you need as far as a boundary.

Until that time she is living her life...........

and you should be living yours.........

Cheers

Denver, I completely agree with this. ^^^ MHL did a much better job if explaining what I've been trying to say.


Starsky

[MHL]

Like I said, today is our anniversary. I'm not sure whether or not I should send W a text or something to at least acknowledge it.

I would appreciate some thoughts on that...

thanks
Denver

Denver,

Man, I remember when my Anniversary came up while my XW and I were separated and it was tough...... it is tough on everyone

I feel for you......I know you are hurting today.....

However, you will HURT more if you make any type of contact with your W.

Any response or no response from her will fall short of your expectations and WILL cause you more pain.

If you are afraid that if you do not acknowledge the day to her will somehow impact her decision.........well "Quash It" (Sorry, my GF makes me watch Jersey Shore, LOL)

If she says something to you later as to why you did not call or text on your anniversary..........another simple response will do.

W, you are undecided about our marriage, I do not feel that celebrating the date we were married is appropriate while you are undecided as to whether or not you would like to continue to be married to me.

I will tell you that tomorrow will be just another day and you will look back on today as just another day.......it will fade with TIME.

Focus on you, think about you, do what is right for you.

The universal constant in every situation that is here on these boards is TIME.

This stuff takes TIME........

The TIME passes easier if you are not looking at your spouse.

With the passing of TIME comes the knowledge that YOU WILL survive and be HAPPY.......

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.........

Cheers

[25yearsmlc]

Denver,

a few thoughts I have, and I could be wrong of course...

first, you are starting to focus on your pain and forgetting your part in how you got here.

I see a lot of that in the posts you get about "setting boundaries" as if you are in a position to push for that now.

And as if she doesn't have the right to the same. As usual, these folks focus almost exclusively on "the affair"

which, excuse me, she does NOT see as being nearly as "wrong" as you and they do.

And from where I sit, she has a point.

and BEFORE I GET SLAMMED FOR "SUPPORTING ADULTERY",

save it, spare me, and drop it. I am not interested in debating that. I am speaking for her point of view and she's not insane to have it.


Second, if you are discovering that you cannot forgive this or let it go, I'd suggest you get a DB coach and see if they or a counselor can help you with this.

If it's not something you can achieve, then spare her and yourself further pain and just go ahead and divorce.

But own this.


Finally, as for the anniversary, I am conflicted.

A part of me thinks a text saying something like "just so you know, I didn't forget, so Happy Anniversary"

or just something that shows

that [i]while you do recall it and you do care about it


you also are respecting her wish to have space for this month.
[/i]
Are you planning on calling her at 12:01 am July 1? (Hope not).


Maybe you can let her initiate the end of the "space period" & renewal of contact time,

unless you already arranged something.

Denver, I never said this was easy. But it IS simple. And you are inflicting pain on yourself and hurting your cause, but at some point you will

have to get sick & tired of feeling so sick & tired.

At that point, you will, we hope, choose to let go of that which you cannot control.

My main point here is that

I hope you won't sabotage things so that you can know forever that

if things don't pan out and you do not reconcile, it won't be b/c of your fears and failure to contain them.

In a way, isn't that part of why you mistreated her in the first place?

Fearing loss of control? How are you working on repairing this trait?

((( )))

[Starsky309]

Sorry you're hurting today, Denver. Anniversaries are especially tough.

I would either let it pass, or maybe drop a funny "Shoebox" type card off to her with nothing more than "Denver" (not "Love, Denver", or any other mushy/melty-man stuff in there) or perhaps "Didn't want the day to pass without at least acknowledging it."


Starsky

[Starsky309]

Denver,

a few thoughts I have, and I could be wrong of course...

first, you are starting to focus on your pain and forgetting your part in how you got here.

I see a lot of that in the posts you get about "setting boundaries" as if you are in a position to push for that now.

And as if she doesn't have the right to the same. As usual, these folks focus almost exclusively on "the affair"

which, excuse me, she does NOT see as being nearly as "wrong" as you and they do.

25,

I'm not seeing where anyone on Denver's thread has "focused almost exclusively on the affair," and not sure who you even directed that to. I only brought it up because DENVER said that a continued relationship with OM during this "space" period was a dealbreaker for him, and everyone was dancing around (and apologizing for) even THINKING about a transparency plan, and I pointed out that it's a perfectly reasonable request at this stage of the game, considering all that's happened.

If Denver said that continued contact were anything short of a dealbreaker, I wouldn't even bring it up.

I do agree with you, however, that until his wife comes to HIM and says "I really do want to work on the marriage; let's discuss what it's going to take," then NEITHER ONE of them are in a position to try to enforce boundaries upon the other. The ONLY boundary I've been advocating is "no dating other people while we're in this trying-to-decide-what-to-do-about-our-marriage" period, since Denver has consistently said that is extremely important to him ... a dealbreaker, in fact.

Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

Then the real question for me Starsky,

is about the last part of your post.

Did DENVER make it clear to his wife that in THIS "space" MONTH there are to be no OPs?

b/c it was not clear before.

[Starsky309]

I believe his said "incidental contact" (like at work) was OK, but no relationship. But I do agree, his entire timelines has been fraught with fuzzy boundary-setting and articulation. I objected to it at the time, too, because I thought it would be ripe for parsing later on.

[25yearsmlc]

I believe his said "incidental contact" (like at work) was OK, but no relationship. But I do agree, his entire timelines has been fraught with fuzzy boundary-setting and articulation. I objected to it at the time, too, because I thought it would be ripe for parsing later on.

and she's not even the lawyer here...