my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

25,

You are absolutely right about my H having too much power to control my moods. That is much of the problem. I am just so depressed about the situation, and so much of my life included him, it's been difficult to find joy knowing he may be out of my life forever. Wrong, I know. Just being honest.

My emotional comments to him on the phone were impulsive and something I need to get a grip on. Those are what I referred to in an earlier post as "foot in mouth" moments. Believe me, they happen much less frequently then they did before. What my DB coach said to do is rehearse those potential moments ahead of time. His comments seem to come out of the blue and I'm not prepared. Before I even catch myself, I've reacted in a way I later regret. Usually it's just a comment, nothing more. But still.

Yes, he did tell me that his sister was upset with him for telling her daughters that their grandma was dying. (even though the doctors are not saying that) Also, the items he gave away were items that their grandma had on a list for them to inherit. But his sister felt it was premature and insensitive. I agree, but I DID NOT TELL HIM THAT. On the phone, I was reassuring and supportive.

Yes, I feel he is wanting to get rid of his mom because she is in his way. That is how he has handled his life in the past year. Our MC has told me that, as well. He runs away from or gets rid of everyone or anything that stresses him out. In recent weeks he has been a caregiver to his mom, and it has gotten in the way of his career and "ministry". Even in the midst of medical emergencies with his mom in the last couple weeks, all he seemed to talk about is the meetings he had to reschedule and the work he was missing. And his "ministry" refers to a comment he made when he told me he was filing for divorce. He said his job was something he felt God wanted him to do, and is a gift. He actually said it was his ministry and he didn't see me as a "minister's wife". (His job as a management consultant allows him to restore companies, improve relationships and culture, and the inner city and it's schools, etc, are his latest passion) I find it ironic that he brags about his talents to "improve people and cultures" while the people closest to him are falling apart because of him. He brags about his talent for improving relationships and developing peoples' potential. Our MC says it is because he can't handle communicating difficulties with people he has intimate relationships with. Clients (and even the OW) are at an arm's length.

25, I don't mind the tough love. That's why I am here. Believe me when I say that I have come a long way, and like I've said before, I don't say to him the things I say here. I use this to vent so I can keep myself together with him. My number one problem is when I get my hopes up and then he will say something that gets me upset, and I don't handle it as well as I should. I need to be more prepared for those times. I was doing much better before he filed. Now I feel pressure. Plus, my 50th birthday and our anniversary are coming up in the next month, and I will be spending those days very differently than I would like.

I love my husband very much and treasure(d) our long marriage. I am also a very emotional and sensitive person. Controlling those things is the hardest challenge I have ever had, but I agree that I have to be more vigilant if I want any chance for bringing my husband back. Thanks, as always, for the wise advice.