W and I continue to get along well, as long I keep everything positive in her presence. Yesterday was D13's ballet recital. W came over a little earlier and we went over an informal separation / future D agreement to serve as a road map while we sort out our finances. To give her a financial buffer over the next year, I advanced her $20k out of home equity line to be counted against her final property settlement. She has some credit card debt to pay off, plus this will allow her to not have to ask me for extra $$ when needed in the mean time. Really, I'm just trying to placate her and keep things amicable. Also, I don't want her to stress over $$'s. Told her that I would always care for her and be there for her. Told I still believed we could live a great life together. She thanked me for caring, but gave me no hint of any feelings beyond that.
I made us lunch, then we went together to the recital along D17. W and I left at intermission and D13's performance to skip 2nd half of show, then went back to my house and lounged on the back patio while sipping beers. Such a pleasant summer day, all went well and I relished my time with W. She admired her old garden and how good it looked. Her dog (our old family dog) played with our cat in the yard. It was like old times. Told her the story of our mortgage broker gal friend that left her husband for another man 10 years ago, remarried, then D'd the new guy, only to move back in with her original husband last month after figuring out the grass was not greener after all those years. Oddly, she seemed to appreciate the story. Went back to see final curtain call, give D13 her roses, then we went home, hugged W, and she left.
Last night, stayed home while D13 had friends over. Decided to watch "Eat Pray Love", as this film seemed to hit a cord with my W. She even owns the DVD. Had to shut it off after 30 minutes. Could not stand to watch it. I bet this film hs ruined more marriages in the year .... Comments anyone?
Supposed to go by W's place tonight to pick up some things left at her house for an end of school year party she threw for D13. Kids are having dinner with her tonight. It's her week for the kids, but the truth is they will go to her place for dinner 2 or 3x, but continue to live full time with me.
Going to continue to try and keep our interactions as friendly as possible. Got to continue to change how she views me. Not just as a $$ source. Interestly, during our conversations, she was kind of negative about a number of people she now knows. I now just listen and never add my opinion. Funny thing is that before she left me, she said I was just so negative all the time, which I did not quite get other than I was a workaholic. More MLC blaming I suppose. I must only show her positiveness and support from here forward.
Does anyone have any comment on these amicable relations I continue to have with W? This is truly me DB'ing at my best. I know she's still involved with OM, but believe this may be winding down. She continues to shield the kids from him. He's never there when the kids are there and she never mentions him in their presence. Yet the do know about him and this is why the refuse to live with her. I know she's not proud of who he is. The rejection of her children has to be giving her guilt and pressure.
Could it be that she's sorting out her issues? I'm not sure if going totally dark is best for our sitch. I may even suggest we start having lunch or dinner on a regular basis again, which I believe she would be receptive to. Must not mistake amicable relations for signs of future reconcilation, but I've got to get from 1st to 2nd base in this process somehow. Don't know if I will ever make it all the way home. Must continue to be her friend and give her someone and reasons to "fall back into love with". Is this possible? It all seems so tantalizingly close, yet so, so far away ... Comments?
Btw I am not a big fan of that Eat Pray Love movie either. I think our culture has become such a throw away society. It all started with the Me Generation at the beginning of the 80's. Actually there is a very important point made in Eat Pray Love that most people seem to miss. At one point Julia Roberts character meet an old lady. The old lady sort of asks her were her family is. Julia explains her situation and basically the old woman says "you have nothing".
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Yeah, I watched EPL long enough to see that scene with the old woman in Italy. They really glossed over it. Too bad.
When I get a new post from someone like yourself, I immediately go to look at their most recent and original posts. I am shocked and dismayed that in almost all cases, the LBS / H realizes too late how he screwed up, reads DR, and signs up for DB counseling. I did the same. Our W's seemed to prefer to keep it amicable with us (much better than the alternative), but both are resolute in pursuing their new lives.
Fastforward on your sitch 3 years. Now you're divorced. Seems to me that newbie guys like me are generally dead men walking. We just refuse to realize it. Must be part of the grieving process. Essentially, I am a damned soul, a ghost walking among the living, and don't really "get it" yet. God, I hate when I fall into the trap of these false hopes.
My biggest problem and blessing right now are my kids (who are much older than yours). They refuse to spend much time with their mom, let alone stay the night (due to her affair and continued associate with OM). W is non-confrontational sort and figures kids will eventually "get over it", accept the new norm, and life will be hunky dory. Not so fast though. My oldest leaves for college in a year and flat out refuses to play along. My W will completely miss seeing her oldest regularly in her senior year of H.S. Very sad. D13 has 5 years left at home, but we've kind of set the new norm and she has no real intent on staying overnight at mom's on a regular basis. I do encourage them to spend time together though. I'm paying for all 3 to go to Hawaii to stay at her dad's place in August.
Well, it's a beautiful day and I'm forcing myself to go with a friend wine tasting in the countryside this afternoon. Got to keep trying to GAL, no matter how numb I feel most of the time.
Hope you are in better place now Whitney. I will be one day too. Just gotta keep on keeping on.
Read a few more of your recent threads. So sorry to see your heart aches so badly after contact with your Ex. Have you started to date, or seen anyone on a regular basis?
Man, I know how much you miss her. The family time together is also tough. I briefly fantasize that everything is OK when we get together with the kids. Not healthy as it is extremely depressing afterwords.
Your sitch is so tough because your kids are still so young. You have years of continued contact with your Ex before the kids are grown. I don't know what you do about that. Detachment is much easier said than done. Even if you've already been GAL, the old feelings are still there and the wounds probably never quite heal.
My heart goes out to you. Hang in there. You're a good man. She will have to deal with that mistake one day, of that you can be sure. It won't be pretty. So sad, and so unnecessary.
World, I don"t think your interactions with your wife are going to matter one way or the other. I think you need to do whats best for you. Unless my MLC was different its not going to matter to her. She will either get through it or get stuck. If she gets through it she will probably be closer to the woman she was before MLC. If not you will probably not want her as who wants to be with someone who lies, cheats, is moody and unhappy and blames everyone else for her unhappiness. This may not be your wife as im talking generally.
I watched EPL a couple of times. I think there are two scenes which speak volumes. At the end of the movie she talks about her journey and states whether it is an internal or external journey for everyone. To me the the only way you get there is internally and coming to that content peaceful place inside yourself. If its external you get the carnage that our wives are putting our families through. The exteranl journey takes you through affairs running away etc. Your internal journey teaches you that your setting, actions etc may change but your internal can be at peace anyplace.
Also at the end of the movie with the new man her first instinct was to run when faced with a decision. It took the guru to clear her sight. At that point in her journey you would hope her feeling wouldn"t be one of running again.
World, Thanks for the reply and for checking out my situation. Yep, I go through many of the same feelings you go through.
Yes, unfortunatly I do have years of this to look forward to. I find that the situation is actually getting worse. Now my X MIL is getting friendly with me again. My XW's family is starting to come around. They just think the situation is all ok and to just make the best of it. I am not there yet at all. Maybe someday when I am with someone else I can be friends but I just don't want that now.
My X and her family also avoid confrontations. They all just think everyone is ok and all will be fine.
The more pleasant they all are to me the more I get resentful. I just want to scream out "it's not ok".!
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
I know completely what you mean by "walking around numb". I also get how negative and depressing one feels after a great family interaction. It's that damn sence of hope and expectations creeping in.
Hope the wine tasting was good !!
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Wine tasting was a ton of fun. So many single women of all ages. Beautiful countryside. Man, there was a girl 20 years younger than me. Stared me down straight up. Must have beem for 30 seconds straight. Bought her a couple of flights of wine, sent her on her way buzzed off her a$$. Good fun, and hopefullhy more to come. Came home im time to make sure the kids had dinner (it was mom's night / week for that), but she cannot be counted on.
One day soon, I will act upon that action. Sorry but not today. Today was about just getting out here and enjoying my friends and their company. But still, it's just the possibility of a future. I hate living in the past. That's why I've never been able to look at family albums without feelng sad.
I will get beyond this. We both deserve at least that amd definitely more. I wil get there and have fun at the same time. I will.
Good reality check on the interaction comment. Thanks, needed that.
I will count my blessings such as they are. Must prepare for the most likely conclusion to this sitch. Got to say though, there were a lot of great women out there today. Got a lot of looks for an old geezer (almost 50!).
You know, I loved my W so dearly. Did not show it properly. Next girl, will not make the same mistake twice.
World, I bet you you treated your wife well. Could we have treated our wives better? Yes. Your probablysimiliar to me Ihad a pretty good marriage and no I'm not delusional. I'm sure you can say the same thing. MLC is a ticking time bomb. It will go off at some point. The severity of it you will never know til it happens. My take is that you could have treated her better or worse and this still happens. It is a psychological event that dates back before your time. I have read every book and studied every article I could and think I have a great understanding of the process since I am a case study and now have a wife going through it.
Glad to hear you got some looks too. I think this is an interesting topic. Dating versus being friends etc. I hang out with many people now. Both Men and Women. Sometimes one on one with both. I consider it healthy to have these type of relationships especially as your developing a new life as this may be the reality your faced with in the future.
I still love my wife as you do. She is a great person and I would choose to live my life with her. At this point Irarely see her. When I do I miss her. She was it for me and I made a choice to be with her til I die.
One thing in life I realize now though is things change. She made a choice that blew me away. Now the ball is in my court. What do I do with this. Well I'm a work in progress. I'm redefining lots of things in my life. At some point both you and I will be faced with moving on. That may be with our wives of someone else.
