Well, he returned and asked if he could unpack. I answered him with a question: "what will change?". I didn't say much after that. I don't feel like there's any point to say anything. It's all been said a million times. I'm tired of sounding like a broken record, and I'm tired of hearing his.
I poured my heart out on my thread, and that helped me sort out my head to a point. It's all out there, not swimming around my brain, giving me a headache.
I feel like these episodes are giving H wake-up calls, but they are driving me further and further away. I now feel numb. In a way, I was disappointed that he came back. Atleast when I thought he was gone, I could go in a direction.
I know that had he not returned, I might have been a basket case by this morning, but I would have recovered eventually.
So I guess I'm not sure what to do now. What is my goal? How long do I wait for him to get it? How many times am I prepared to forgive and try to move on? I think I have hit the maximum number.
But what do I do with that realization? H only tries if I give him reason to. He gives up if he thinks I'm done. He wants insurance, reassurance, that he won't be trying for nothing. I was always afraid that he would finally get it after I was truly done, and THEN he would try like a madman, but it would be too late - for me.
I have never felt like I have nothing to say to him like I do now.
