I am glad that you are attending some sort of support group for families of people with addictions. Hopefully you will gain some understanding of the situation.
It is important to understand whatever monster it is you are dealing with, addiction, MLC, both...
The problem that occurs sometimes with that, is we WANT to understand everything all at once and that doesn't always happen. We can also hinder our understanding, by constantly finding new question to ask...and this will hinder our healing...
I have found through my process, that the answers I need, come when I am ready to really understand them. At first, I just understood that my H was nuts...I took a small step forward...then I came to understand a little bit about MLC...I took another small step...then I understood that this was his journey...I went backwards, trying to look for the signs that he was moving through this...then I realized that it would happen on his time and I could stay put, or I could do somthing to improve my life...took another step forward...and so on...
It is a process. Within that process, the what I did consistently was apply DB principals for me. It was hard. There were days I wanted to bash his head in. I didn't. There were days I wanted to scream about the unfairness and shake him until he woke up. I didn't. I removed his number from my cell phone so I would have to dial it. So I would have to THINK about it before I called him to say whatever it was that I couldn't wait to say. It kept me from calling until I got to the point that I didn't want to.
It has been 4 years since the bomb. He is still on his journey. I realize that 9 months seems like an eternity, but it really isn't. This is something that takes however long it takes. You can't make it go any faster, but you can make it last longer. By not DBing, by not healing, by doing the things you know you shouldn't but you just couldn't stop yourself.
There are no guarantees. There are things you will probably never understand (like why he doesn't see the kids) and those things, are the things you have to learn how to accept and move past.
As far as being embarrassed.
Yes you have a right to feel embarrassed. But what exactly are you embarrassed about?
His actions? His choices?
Those are things you can do nothing about. And unless you held a gun to his head and forced him to do those things...
You are NOT responsible for them...
If it is your reactions to his actions...
Well, you did what you did, you know better now...
25 has talked to you about removing your ego...
She is spot on with it...
Take yourself out of the equation...
Look at this as if you are an outsider in someone else's life looking at it...
That will make it easier to gain understanding and clarity...
Then you look at the emotions you feel as you have clearer, rational thought pattern about the situation and see which of your feelings are worth hanging onto and which ones you can let go of...
Venting is absolutly ok. However it should diminish over time.
It would be wonderful to read a post that you were not talking about your H, OW, what he is doing or not doing, how badly it is affecting the kids....
It would be wonderful to read something along the lines of, "I went to the salon today and I LOVE my new doo and that makes me feel GREAT"
You aren't going to feel wonderful overnight, but small step daily toward that, add up over the long run...
You say you have done 180's and GAL...
What are those things?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
