Thank you 25. The support of this board has been tremendous and that is an understatement.
and as for the damage to the kids
they'll be damaged anyhow. Their mother left their father...(oh yeah, that)
Exactly. You can see the differences in my responses from the convo we had on Tuesday night vs my responses from the convo yesterday. I listen to the great advice that I receive on here.
I would wait, think about the question and then respond.
You are doing damage control now. It's called stability and that's huge to kids and courts. Plus, dare I say where you are living now (Bay?)
Yes, I live in South San Francisco.
is going to be a lot better for them than NM.
But I'm snobby that way.
I grew up in NM and I have no desire to go back there or leave the bay area right now. This area has so much to offer and I have a great job. There isn’t much of a comparison IMO.
And your mom will have to work on yelling of hers, but at least she's not bedridden with headaches
Yes, my mom does need to work on her yelling. When my W brought it up yesterday, it wasn’t a surprise. I reminded my mom again today and she is well aware that we can’t give them any ammo against us.
(that sounds meaner than I meant it to...yikes! This is spreading )
LOL…..I sense some frustration and I’d guess from this post, it is that my W continuously tries to guilt me and place blame?
She told me this before she left, “I’m glad you get it, because some people live their entire lives and don’t get it”. I found that statement to be ironic.
Tomorrow (6/26) is another big day.
First, I need to let my W know that she will be receiving the court order and give her a heads up of the content. I don’t plan on giving her too much detail.
I’d like to get feedback if I should let her know that the kids will be starting school here or that they will be here until the hearing in September(on her 40th birthday, which I will not give her the exact date)? Or should I let her find out when she gets the docs?
She is going to be PO’d that I already knew the order was in place when we talked yesterday and I didn’t say anything. She is going to be PO’d anyway, but that will just add fuel to the fire.
We will be letting the kids know that they will not be moving to NM in July.
During our convo yesterday, my W brought this up. W: How am I supposed to hold it together when we tell them?
M: I don’t have an answer for you?
She tried to play the “poor me” card at least a couple of times.
It’s been a long day and I’m rambling. I hope anyone reading can make heads or tails of this post.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
After reading back on this thread, I'm not going to give my W a heads up on the content just yet. I haven't received a copy of the order, so I'd be jumping ahead of myself again.
I will let her know that an injunction has been filed and she will be receiving the order.
I probably do need to let her know that the kids will be with me until the hearing. I think it is necessary to be clear with the kids when we talk to them.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I have a lot to update, but don't have much time. I'll post the meat of it.
I did let my W know that my L filed some papers and the kids will be staying with me until the hearing. I asked her if my L could call her to arrange getting them to her. She agreed, however she called back to ask if it can wait until she hires counsel to be done between the lawyers. Of course I agreed.
She still doesn’t see how a judge will award me custody. She said, “we are going to go through out this and I’m still probably going to end up with the kids”.
My L just sent me a TM and said that we will have to serve her at work or home. Ugh!! Craziness.
After a convo where she tried to guilt me about the same things as before, she wanted to tell the kids. She wanted to tell them that they aren't coming to NM, it wasn't her choice and we are getting a divorce. I told her that I wasn’t going to let that happen. Also, that it isn’t right or fair that she wants to throw me under the bus. The reason she wanted to do that is because she doesn’t want to kids to feel like she doesn’t want them.
I told her that I never threw her under the bus and that it was her decision to tear our family apart.
She agreed to let me do the talking while letting the kids know. This is what I said, “Mommy and daddy have something to tell you. Some things have come up and you guys will be staying with me for awhile longer. When mommy and daddy can get everything worked out, we will let you know. In the meantime, mommy and daddy love you both very much and we will make sure that you are taken care of.”
They took it well. My D8 was disappointed that she isn’t going to be seeing her cousins. And she asked this question.
“Mommy, why did you move to NM?”
My W asked me to answer the question.
“Sometimes just like kids, adults don’t get along. Unlike kids, adults have a harder time forgetting things. So right now mommy and daddy are having a timeout.”
The kids got over it quite quickly. Within a couple of minutes they were talking about getting a Wii or and Xbox. Not sure where they came up with that, as I do not have either.
Anyway, I gotta run.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
not sure how your w got you to answer the question about why SHE moved away
b/c even your answer suggests she chose "not getting along" over sticking around
and why couldn't she find a place closer for her time out?
Granted the mother's illness makes it more...plausible? Or reasonable.
2 years ago my h went to care for his terminally ill mother on the east coast. I switched with him and so did our son and my BIL.
But mostly it was h, who found a job nearby and stayed there off and on for nearly a year,
I finally insisted she live with us or find other arrangements b/c a year apart was not doing us any good and we have d13 here...So mil would come for periods of time. But she wanted to be near her dogs and in her own home...very tough on all of us and her.
It was very difficult when she did come here b/c her lung cancer had gone to the brain and she required 24/7 attention care, literally. Otherwise she'd fall down stairs, wander off or burn the house down. So it was yours truly caring for her. God forgive me for saying this but so she wasn't "great company' either. It was so very draining on me.
I learned a lot about what I DO NOT want if and when it's me in that situation.
L,
how ill is your mil?
what is her diagnosis exactly? I ask b/c this will come out and might make you look heartless
if it is spun by her L the way your lawyer spun your sitch.
I don't say that to hurt you but may I ask if you feel "committed" to the L you have?
Are you comfortable enough to tell her you want a different tone?
YOU are in charge of your case, fyi.
I've had clients tell me to go for broke and others to be gentle. I only "go for broke" if I think it's wise and it's usually NOT
but sometimes the other L is a jerk, and sometimes the other spouse is a bully.
Depends. I want to know if your lawyer is part of a firm or is solo. FWIW I never recommend solo practioners unless they've worked at firms for decades. I believe in team work and having other L's to discuss cases& judges with.
I think your w, IF she reads the contents OR IF her L says anything about it,
she will feel you drew first blood. Be ready for that, not defensive, but ready.
Why do YOU believe you will get custody? I am not saying you won't. I think you will but I want to hear you say why, and what your L thinks as well.
SIGH
I THINK, the worst of it will probably be over within a few months.
Um that's all I have about the "good news"...
sorry L,
Remember you are doing what YOU believe is best for your children.
IF you fight in front of them or the kids hear it, say it's
b/c you both want so much to be with them that you are working hard to figure it all out.
You both want to know how you
can them as much as possible b/c you both love them so much...
it's the best spin I can think of, in a terrible sitch.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have a lot to update, but don't have much time. I'll post the meat of it.
I did let my W know that my L filed some papers and the kids will be staying with me until the hearing. I asked her if my L could call her to arrange getting them to her. She agreed, however she called back to ask if it can wait until she hires counsel to be done between the lawyers. Of course I agreed.
She still doesn’t see how a judge will award me custody. She said, “we are going to go through out this and I’m still probably going to end up with the kids”.
My L just sent me a TM and said that we will have to serve her at work or home. Ugh!! Craziness.
After a convo where she tried to guilt me about the same things as before, she wanted to tell the kids. She wanted to tell them that they aren't coming to NM, it wasn't her choice and we are getting a divorce. I told her that I wasn’t going to let that happen. Also, that it isn’t right or fair that she wants to throw me under the bus. The reason she wanted to do that is because she doesn’t want to kids to feel like she doesn’t want them.
I told her that I never threw her under the bus and that it was her decision to tear our family apart.
She agreed to let me do the talking while letting the kids know. This is what I said, “Mommy and daddy have something to tell you. Some things have come up and you guys will be staying with me for awhile longer. When mommy and daddy can get everything worked out, we will let you know. In the meantime, mommy and daddy love you both very much and we will make sure that you are taken care of.”
They took it well. My D8 was disappointed that she isn’t going to be seeing her cousins. And she asked this question.
“Mommy, why did you move to NM?”
My W asked me to answer the question.
“Sometimes just like kids, adults don’t get along. Unlike kids, adults have a harder time forgetting things. So right now mommy and daddy are having a timeout.”
The kids got over it quite quickly. Within a couple of minutes they were talking about getting a Wii or and Xbox. Not sure where they came up with that, as I do not have either.
Anyway, I gotta run.
Hey LB. I think that you handled that tremendously well. It made me really sad reading about the conversation that you and your W had with the kids. But it was done about as well as it could have been done.
I agree with 25. You really want to make sure that you are comfortable with this attorney that you have. I'm not saying that she is bad. How did you find her? A referral? Referrals are always nice because that means that you know someone who has worked with the attorney before and obviously liked him/her.
Does she practice family law exclusively? I'd be cautious about using an attorney who does not specialize.
25 is right, you control your case. So be sure to tell your attorney how you want the case handled. Fighting for custody does not have to be done in a nasty way... although it can become necessary.
I have no idea why your W is so confident that she will end up with the children. I'm not a family law attorney, but as 25 has already said, the standard is the 'best interest' of the children. Stability is a huge factor in that. So you having the kids now, where they are accustomed to being, where their friends are, where they go to school, where their bedrooms are... well, that's stability. Moving them across the country is NOT.
My guess is that she has heard that bc he is the mom that she has the upper hand with this. Generally, I'd say that that is true... but not in this particular scenario. She left... and she left them with you... at THEIR home.
Unless there is something that you haven't told us, I see you having a VERY good chance of getting them... but then again, I'm not the judge.
Keep conducting yourself as you are LB and you will be fine.
Good luck.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
LITB I have been keeping up with your thread, as with most of the others here.
Just wanted to say that I thought you handled the convo with the kids very well indeed. I to had to do the talk with the kids, where w said nothing also.
Sorry you r is where its at, keep fighting for what is right for you and your kids
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
not sure how your w got you to answer the question about why SHE moved away
The W and I talked before letting the kids know. She wanted to tell them that we are getting a D and I told her that I would not allow that to happen. I want to ease them into the transition.
Before I went to get the kids, I asked her what she was going to say. She said that she would just listen and let me do the talking. I told her that D8 had asked me twice why she moved, so to be prepared for the question. She said she was, but when D8 asked, W waited and then asked me to answer. I don’t think she would have been able to hold it together while talking.
b/c even your answer suggests she chose "not getting along" over sticking around
and why couldn't she find a place closer for her time out?
My W brought this up this morning when I told her that I feel that it’s in the kids’ best interest to have access to both of us. She said that it is too expensive out here and I know that she can’t afford it. She never tried. I didn’t respond.
Granted the mother's illness makes it more...plausible? Or reasonable.
While my W and the MIL lived out here, my MIL was not sick. As you mentioned before, she might have some depression. When you said “purposeless”, I can see that to be the case. My MIL lives her life through my W and kids. Very sad TBH with you. It was very frustrating to me.
2 years ago my h went to care for his terminally ill mother on the east coast. I switched with him and so did our son and my BIL.
But mostly it was h, who found a job nearby and stayed there off and on for nearly a year,
I finally insisted she live with us or find other arrangements b/c a year apart was not doing us any good and we have d13 here...So mil would come for periods of time. But she wanted to be near her dogs and in her own home...very tough on all of us and her.
It was very difficult when she did come here b/c her lung cancer had gone to the brain and she required 24/7 attention care, literally. Otherwise she'd fall down stairs, wander off or burn the house down. So it was yours truly caring for her. God forgive me for saying this but so she wasn't "great company' either. It was so very draining on me.
I learned a lot about what I DO NOT want if and when it's me in that situation.
That’s is a lot to deal with 25. Kudos to you and your H.
L,
how ill is your mil?
She is in a rahab center. I understand that she is improving and her physical health should be back up to par if the surgery she had was successful.
what is her diagnosis exactly? I ask b/c this will come out and might make you look heartless
She had meningitis. The letter does make me look heartless. That is my biggest regret thus far.
if it is spun by her L the way your lawyer spun your sitch.
I don't say that to hurt you but may I ask if you feel "committed" to the L you have?
I have a lot of money invested in her, so I do feel somewhat committed. If it somehow saved my M by throwing her under the bus for the letter and retaining a new one, I’d have to consider it.
Are you comfortable enough to tell her you want a different tone?
Yes, I am comfortable enough to tell her to use a different tone. I can probably use some help putting an email together on this.
YOU are in charge of your case, fyi.
I've had clients tell me to go for broke and others to be gentle. I only "go for broke" if I think it's wise and it's usually NOT
but sometimes the other L is a jerk, and sometimes the other spouse is a bully.
Depends. I want to know if your lawyer is part of a firm or is solo. FWIW I never recommend solo practioners unless they've worked at firms for decades. I believe in team work and having other L's to discuss cases& judges with.
She is solo. It’s been awhile since I read her reviews and bio. (I’ll answer Denver’s question as well.) She specifically practices family law.
I found her through yelp as some people that had used her gave her good reviews. I had a consultation with her and another L who is with a firm. After meeting with them, I felt that she would get me results. As with the letter, I should have done more homework.
I think your w, IF she reads the contents OR IF her L says anything about it,
she will feel you drew first blood. Be ready for that, not defensive, but ready.
Why do YOU believe you will get custody? I am not saying you won't. I think you will but I want to hear you say why, and what your L thinks as well.
The biggest reason I think I will get custody is because my W moved and left the kids with me. She’s been gone for 3 months and hasn’t made one effort to come visit. As an extension of that, the kids have been doing really well while in my care. If somebody didn’t know my sitch, they wouldn’t be able to tell that their parents are getting a D.
My L feels that since the order was granted and the kids will be starting school here, it increases my chances significantly. She said that I can probably get what I want. Of course, just like most people, she thinks that leaving the kids behind with me puts her in a very bad spot.SIGH
I THINK, the worst of it will probably be over within a few months.
Um that's all I have about the "good news"...
sorry L,
Remember you are doing what YOU believe is best for your children.
IF you fight in front of them or the kids hear it, say it's
b/c you both want so much to be with them that you are working hard to figure it all out.
You both want to know how you
can them as much as possible b/c you both love them so much...
it's the best spin I can think of, in a terrible sitch.
I completely understand. Usually I will leave the house if her and I are going to talk. ((( ))) I’ve needed a lot of hugs this weekend.
I have found that this new development is very overwhelming. It feels like I’m getting pulled in so many different directions. I must admit that it is difficult not to second guess my decision, because of the damage it is going to cause…….specifically to my W and MIL.
The letter is not an example of the person that I am. It does paint me in a negative light. I can’t tell you how much it is tearing me up. My W said and feels that I hate her for keeping the kids from her. I told her that I do not hate her and my feelings are the exact opposite.
I don’t know if anything I say to her will matter after she receives the letter. I can hope that she doesn’t read it, but the reality is that she will. I hurt for her and I hurt that it is some of my doing.
At the end of the day, I have to remind myself that I am doing this for the best interest of my kids.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
not sure how your w got you to answer the question about why SHE moved away
The W and I talked before letting the kids know. She wanted to tell them that we are getting a D and I told her that I would not allow that to happen. I want to ease them into the transition.
Before I went to get the kids, I asked her what she was going to say. She said that she would just listen and let me do the talking. I told her that D8 had asked me twice why she moved, so to be prepared for the question. She said she was, but when D8 asked, W waited and then asked me to answer. I don’t think she would have been able to hold it together while talking.
b/c even your answer suggests she chose "not getting along" over sticking around
and why couldn't she find a place closer for her time out?
My W brought this up this morning when I told her that I feel that it’s in the kids’ best interest to have access to both of us. She said that it is too expensive out here and I know that she can’t afford it. She never tried. I didn’t respond.
Granted the mother's illness makes it more...plausible? Or reasonable.
While my W and the MIL lived out here, my MIL was not sick. As you mentioned before, she might have some depression. When you said “purposeless”, I can see that to be the case. My MIL lives her life through my W and kids. Very sad TBH with you. It was very frustrating to me.
2 years ago my h went to care for his terminally ill mother on the east coast. I switched with him and so did our son and my BIL.
But mostly it was h, who found a job nearby and stayed there off and on for nearly a year,
I finally insisted she live with us or find other arrangements b/c a year apart was not doing us any good and we have d13 here...So mil would come for periods of time. But she wanted to be near her dogs and in her own home...very tough on all of us and her.
It was very difficult when she did come here b/c her lung cancer had gone to the brain and she required 24/7 attention care, literally. Otherwise she'd fall down stairs, wander off or burn the house down. So it was yours truly caring for her. God forgive me for saying this but so she wasn't "great company' either. It was so very draining on me.
I learned a lot about what I DO NOT want if and when it's me in that situation.
That’s is a lot to deal with 25. Kudos to you and your H.
L,
how ill is your mil?
She is in a rahab center. I understand that she is improving and her physical health should be back up to par if the surgery she had was successful.
what is her diagnosis exactly? I ask b/c this will come out and might make you look heartless
She had meningitis. The letter does make me look heartless. That is my biggest regret thus far.
if it is spun by her L the way your lawyer spun your sitch.
I don't say that to hurt you but may I ask if you feel "committed" to the L you have?
I have a lot of money invested in her, so I do feel somewhat committed. If it somehow saved my M by throwing her under the bus for the letter and retaining a new one, I’d have to consider it.
Are you comfortable enough to tell her you want a different tone?
Yes, I am comfortable enough to tell her to use a different tone. I can probably use some help putting an email together on this.
YOU are in charge of your case, fyi.
I've had clients tell me to go for broke and others to be gentle. I only "go for broke" if I think it's wise and it's usually NOT
but sometimes the other L is a jerk, and sometimes the other spouse is a bully.
Depends. I want to know if your lawyer is part of a firm or is solo. FWIW I never recommend solo practioners unless they've worked at firms for decades. I believe in team work and having other L's to discuss cases& judges with.
She is solo. It’s been awhile since I read her reviews and bio. (I’ll answer Denver’s question as well.) She specifically practices family law.
I found her through yelp as some people that had used her gave her good reviews. I had a consultation with her and another L who is with a firm. After meeting with them, I felt that she would get me results. As with the letter, I should have done more homework.
I think your w, IF she reads the contents OR IF her L says anything about it,
she will feel you drew first blood. Be ready for that, not defensive, but ready.
Why do YOU believe you will get custody? I am not saying you won't. I think you will but I want to hear you say why, and what your L thinks as well.
The biggest reason I think I will get custody is because my W moved and left the kids with me. She’s been gone for 3 months and hasn’t made one effort to come visit. As an extension of that, the kids have been doing really well while in my care. If somebody didn’t know my sitch, they wouldn’t be able to tell that their parents are getting a D.
My L feels that since the order was granted and the kids will be starting school here, it increases my chances significantly. She said that I can probably get what I want. Of course, just like most people, she thinks that leaving the kids behind with me puts her in a very bad spot.SIGH
I THINK, the worst of it will probably be over within a few months.
Um that's all I have about the "good news"...
sorry L,
Remember you are doing what YOU believe is best for your children.
IF you fight in front of them or the kids hear it, say it's
b/c you both want so much to be with them that you are working hard to figure it all out.
You both want to know how you
can them as much as possible b/c you both love them so much...
it's the best spin I can think of, in a terrible sitch.
I completely understand. Usually I will leave the house if her and I are going to talk. ((( ))) I’ve needed a lot of hugs this weekend.
I have found that this new development is very overwhelming. It feels like I’m getting pulled in so many different directions. I must admit that it is difficult not to second guess my decision, because of the damage it is going to cause…….specifically to my W and MIL.
The letter is not an example of the person that I am. It does paint me in a negative light. I can’t tell you how much it is tearing me up. My W said and feels that I hate her for keeping the kids from her. I told her that I do not hate her and my feelings are the exact opposite.
I don’t know if anything I say to her will matter after she receives the letter. I can hope that she doesn’t read it, but the reality is that she will. I hurt for her and I hurt that it is some of my doing.
At the end of the day, I have to remind myself that I am doing this for the best interest of my kids.
You should also remind yourself that not a word in that letter is NOT true. Your W has created this situation. It may hurt her to be reminded of that, but THAT part is NOT your fault.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey LB. I think that you handled that tremendously well. It made me really sad reading about the conversation that you and your W had with the kids. But it was done about as well as it could have been done.
Very sad indeed. I didn’t want to do this first thing in the morning, however I woke up to a TM from the W wanting to talk. From there, everything else followed. She was adamant about telling the kids everything….everything to make me look like the bad guy anyway. I wasn’t going to allow it. She wasn’t thinking about the kids. It was pure emotion.
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
I have no idea why your W is so confident that she will end up with the children. I'm not a family law attorney, but as 25 has already said, the standard is the 'best interest' of the children. Stability is a huge factor in that. So you having the kids now, where they are accustomed to being, where their friends are, where they go to school, where their bedrooms are... well, that's stability. Moving them across the country is NOT.
My guess is that she has heard that bc he is the mom that she has the upper hand with this. Generally, I'd say that that is true... but not in this particular scenario. She left... and she left them with you... at THEIR home.
This is exactly what she is hearing. I know she is getting advice from someone, because she called me right back this morning to ask my L to deal with hers when she hires one. I have a feeling I know who it is, however they can’t give her half the advice I get here.
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Unless there is something that you haven't told us, I see you having a VERY good chance of getting them... but then again, I'm not the judge.
Keep conducting yourself as you are LB and you will be fine.
I think that I covered just about everything. I am far from perfect, but I feel that I’m a really good dad.
This is about a typical weekend for us: Friday evening: Took the kids to the park to ride bikes, play Frisbee and tag.
Saturday: Went to Brentwood where they had a little family day with a petting zoo and magician. We then went to pick cherries.
Today: Not so typical Sunday morning with the W , then church and took the kids to watch Cars 2 in the afternoon.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
)