I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling -- lots to go over. It's my weekend with girls. I had to pick D12 up from theater camp. After, we had to go to XW's to get D8 and I struggled being there again.

Weird control things popped in my head. XW was doing yard work and not going out after. The fact I still care is bad.

Later, getting D12 to sleep she said something like "when the divorce is final" and I told it is final. It's been final for two weeks. She was mad. She said she and D8 have been asking for weeks but XW won't say anything.

Saturday, more texting back and forth with Church_31. She actually has the weekend off and asks if I want to bring the girls to the beach. She is taking her nephew and brother-in-law's son.

I desperately want to -- but it's the girls' decision. D8 wanted to practice bike riding without training wheels. She gets it after about 20 minutes and just wants to spend the rest of the day riding. So no beach with Church_31 for me.

Still, in the parent memory book it's a great day. D8 was soooo proud of herself.

Weired acceptance stuff. After getting it down, she wants to ride to XW's and I say that's fine. So she does.

Later, we get two of D8's close friends from school and they spend three hours together, including two more trips to XW's.

All in all, a great day for D8.

That night, I asked them both if it was OK if D12 act as "baby-sitter" for an hour. A friend was celebrating getting engaged and I wanted to go for an hour.

The girls are up for it and I go and stay an hour and when I get back XW is here. Turns out D8 wanted a "real baby-sitter" and called XW 15 minutes after I left.

So she's sitting in my living room. D8 runs up saying "don't be mad." I wasn't. I'd had a good time and I was strangely OK with XW being here. Later ... I think I knew why. Because she obviously wasn't going out and I still care about that, which is bad.

After XW leaves, D8 is all excited and talking about mom and dad being together and I tell her mom and dad are divorced. And D8 was very, very upset. I figured if D12 knew then D8 should know. XW had two weeks to say something and didn't. I don't know why.

Sunday, I text Church_31 about if she's going to church. She's a morning person like me. She says yes and it turns out we are going to same service and she asks if I want to sit with her and her parents.

Yes. So that's what I do and I really tried to focus on the message. It was a tough one for her. The pastor talked about living life between dreams and reality. An example he used was about his son's marriage. They can't have kids and it's been difficult.

Church_31 can't have kids and she's said in group that that was very difficult to accept.

After, I walk out and talk a bit with her and her parents. When it was over, her dad says "it was nice to meet you. I've already heard a lot about you."

That can be taken a lot of ways. I really like this lady though. Fingers crossed.

Then D8, D12 and I go eat. I had some free tickets to independent league baseball and D8 doesn't want to go. She wants to ride her bike. So I work out a deal where she takes her bike to her friend's house and that friend's older sister and brother, who D12 is friends with, goes with me to the game.

It was a good time. After, D8 wants more bike riding and XW brings over her bike so I can ride with D8.

So we go on a ride. Finally, bed time and both girls want to talk about mom and dad. And I answered there questions as best I could. They are very very confused and will be for a long time.

For the longest time, I felt dead inside at times. Life was safe, comfortable, decided. Now, everything is just topsy turvy. I can't wait to look back at this time five years from now.

As our pastor said, there's always a long way to go to see how your story ends up.