The BIG D and its Path of Destruction

[Denver_2010]

not sure how your w got you to answer the question about why SHE moved away

The W and I talked before letting the kids know. She wanted to tell them that we are getting a D and I told her that I would not allow that to happen. I want to ease them into the transition.

Before I went to get the kids, I asked her what she was going to say. She said that she would just listen and let me do the talking. I told her that D8 had asked me twice why she moved, so to be prepared for the question. She said she was, but when D8 asked, W waited and then asked me to answer. I don’t think she would have been able to hold it together while talking.


b/c even your answer suggests she chose "not getting along" over sticking around

and why couldn't she find a place closer for her time out?

My W brought this up this morning when I told her that I feel that it’s in the kids’ best interest to have access to both of us. She said that it is too expensive out here and I know that she can’t afford it. She never tried. I didn’t respond.

Granted the mother's illness makes it more...plausible? Or reasonable.

While my W and the MIL lived out here, my MIL was not sick. As you mentioned before, she might have some depression. When you said “purposeless”, I can see that to be the case. My MIL lives her life through my W and kids. Very sad TBH with you. It was very frustrating to me.

2 years ago my h went to care for his terminally ill mother on the east coast. I switched with him and so did our son and my BIL.

But mostly it was h, who found a job nearby and stayed there off and on for nearly a year,

I finally insisted she live with us or find other arrangements b/c a year apart was not doing us any good and we have d13 here...So mil would come for periods of time. But she wanted to be near her dogs and in her own home...very tough on all of us and her.

It was very difficult when she did come here b/c her lung cancer had gone to the brain and she required 24/7 attention care, literally. Otherwise she'd fall down stairs, wander off or burn the house down. So it was yours truly caring for her. God forgive me for saying this but so she wasn't "great company'
either. It was so very draining on me.

I learned a lot about what I DO NOT want if and when it's me in that situation.

That’s is a lot to deal with 25. Kudos to you and your H.

L,

how ill is your mil?

She is in a rahab center. I understand that she is improving and her physical health should be back up to par if the surgery she had was successful.

what is her diagnosis exactly? I ask b/c this will come out and might make you look heartless

She had meningitis. The letter does make me look heartless. That is my biggest regret thus far.

if it is spun by her L the way your lawyer spun your sitch.

I don't say that to hurt you but may I ask if you feel "committed" to the L you have?

I have a lot of money invested in her, so I do feel somewhat committed. If it somehow saved my M by throwing her under the bus for the letter and retaining a new one, I’d have to consider it.

Are you comfortable enough to tell her you want a different tone?

Yes, I am comfortable enough to tell her to use a different tone. I can probably use some help putting an email together on this.

YOU are in charge of your case, fyi.

I've had clients tell me to go for broke and others to be gentle. I only "go for broke" if I think it's wise and it's usually NOT

but sometimes the other L is a jerk, and sometimes the other spouse is a bully.

Depends. I want to know if your lawyer is part of a firm or is solo. FWIW
I never recommend solo practioners unless they've worked at firms for decades. I believe in team work and having other L's to discuss cases& judges with.

She is solo. It’s been awhile since I read her reviews and bio. (I’ll answer Denver’s question as well.) She specifically practices family law.

I found her through yelp as some people that had used her gave her good reviews. I had a consultation with her and another L who is with a firm. After meeting with them, I felt that she would get me results. As with the letter, I should have done more homework.

I think your w, IF she reads the contents OR IF her L says anything about it,

she will feel you drew first blood. Be ready for that, not defensive, but ready.


Why do YOU believe you will get custody? I am not saying you won't. I think you will but I want to hear you say why, and what your L thinks as well.

The biggest reason I think I will get custody is because my W moved and left the kids with me. She’s been gone for 3 months and hasn’t made one effort to come visit. As an extension of that, the kids have been doing really well while in my care. If somebody didn’t know my sitch, they wouldn’t be able to tell that their parents are getting a D.

My L feels that since the order was granted and the kids will be starting school here, it increases my chances significantly. She said that I can probably get what I want. Of course, just like most people, she thinks that leaving the kids behind with me puts her in a very bad spot.SIGH

I THINK, the worst of it will probably be over within a few months.

Um that's all I have about the "good news"...

sorry L,



Remember you are doing what YOU believe is best for your children.

IF you fight in front of them or the kids hear it, say it's


b/c you both want so much to be with them that you are working hard to figure it all out.

You both want to know how you

can them as much as possible b/c you both love them so much...


it's the best spin I can think of, in a terrible sitch.

I completely understand. Usually I will leave the house if her and I are going to talk.
((( ))) I’ve needed a lot of hugs this weekend.

I have found that this new development is very overwhelming. It feels like I’m getting pulled in so many different directions. I must admit that it is difficult not to second guess my decision, because of the damage it is going to cause…….specifically to my W and MIL.

The letter is not an example of the person that I am. It does paint me in a negative light. I can’t tell you how much it is tearing me up. My W said and feels that I hate her for keeping the kids from her. I told her that I do not hate her and my feelings are the exact opposite.

I don’t know if anything I say to her will matter after she receives the letter. I can hope that she doesn’t read it, but the reality is that she will. I hurt for her and I hurt that it is some of my doing.

At the end of the day, I have to remind myself that I am doing this for the best interest of my kids.

You should also remind yourself that not a word in that letter is NOT true. Your W has created this situation. It may hurt her to be reminded of that, but THAT part is NOT your fault.

Denver